Happy Birthday

Its the 6th birthday of urs I remember not celebrating with u. In fact i dun really remember any such birthday we celebrated together, cuz while u were here, everyday was a birthday in itself. After all u were the one because of whom i was born. Happy birthday dad.

I know u were never really fond of reading for except your Masaaledaar hindi novels and that my wishes wont really reach u, can only hope.

Some flashes of memory just hit me hard a while back. the earliest i can remember is probably those rides on ur scooter, and yeah u ditching me when i was 4 i guess and went to mumbai with mom n bhai and sent me to have cold drinks and ice creams with grandpa. And when u had some issues with uncle at home and u picked me n bhai n rushed outta the house in anger, me being barefooted. or when u gave like a big birthday bash when i turned 5 or 6. and how happy u were that i learned to ride a bicycle the first time i sat on it! and u taking me to dollops for ice cream when i insisted to go out of the hospital and have ice cream, just when i woke up after my surgery. I know u tuk me without the hospitals permission! or u teaching us how to fly kites. dun really remember u scolding us while we were young, your eyes were enough to scare us! i remember u being so happy when i had a drink for the first time...n ur mixed reactions when i got drunk for the first time! haha...that was funny. Also when i was admiited once, she came and was kissing me and u just entered the room but quietly walked away. this was the same time when u thought i tried commiting suicide...come on..that was just an overdose of my sleeping pills.
and yeah - u coming fro karol bagh to noida in like 15-20 minutes, leaving ur booze and cards when u got to know that ive been hit by a diwali rocket just next to the eye! damn .. u were a rash rider and a rash driver too at times!
and when u were admitted for some surgery u made me swear that i wud go for my soccer match n not stay with u in the hospital. and the best - when u got me a car when i was just 14 and i started driving it the same day - u asked without much surprise that when did i learn driving and i said - "this is the first time i am"! haha - that was the shocker!
and all th etimes u git like borees of crackers for diwali, and similar amount of dry fruits (ok that was ur business, n i almost ruined it by eating all ur dry fruits whenever i went to ur godown) ..n u scolded me cuz it wasnt good for me to have so much....but i revolted back by eating even more!

this is classy - do u remember, when i was guess just 3 or maybe around 4 - u came home with ur moustache shaved off - i din open th egate saying that dad's not home, and when u continued ringing the bell i told mom that some CHAUKIDAAR aaya hai.

n then how can i forget u entertainig people inspite of all ur pains. i remember ur lohri stunt. and ur drunken nights especially after u knew i cud drive better than u inspite of being drunk (thats cuz mom din knw tht ive had lots). and instead of asking me not to take the car outstation when i was just 15 , u got me a fake license by the time i turned 16! i still use that one and had a problem once opening my bank account! well....n u getting Shubu's mama to Agra for his brothers marriage is something that his whole family still talks about! u din even know his family then! Shubu still misses drinking with u. n so does grandpa, n so does me.

and what about Bruno - u remember him na? when those two big dogs barked at u and our little superhero chased them to their home and when their owner shouted at u he bit him n tore his pyjamas. n u beating up neighbours once...and even a policeman on train when he misbehaved u when u were drinking in the train. u were such a badmash, and so short tempered. but everyone misses u anyways, all the people whom u think hated u! they tell me all the time that inspite the fact u were short tempered and were really bitter with words u were the truest of all. and a gem who helped everyone without them asking for it.

and what about the time i scolded u while i caught u red handed smoking inspite of u being diagnosed?

i also remember all the tears i saw dwelling in ur eyes, something i never did. i remember everything, every word u said in those last two months.

theres so much more. so much more. so much more. N i really wish there was much much more.

miss u dad. love u. never said that to u - but i did love u n still do.

btw......today i woke up late, mum asked me to have the prasad - i missed if there was any pooja, i doubt though, cuz no one ever lets emotions out in our family. i went to chachu's place for drinks and had exactly 3 drinks - like u had - those were for u. but now while im writing this, i prepared another one - i know u wud hate me for having drinks after dinner, but its ok, i can have just one, n i know u wudnt mind! gnite for now or else i mite just break again.

SRK - Frisked and detained for 2 hours - Reality? or a way to promote his flick - "My name is Khan"?

Yeah SRK has been in the news again, for one of the most unexpected things! And so was our president and a few other recognised names in the bollywood industry. No wonder an idea sparked in the minds and a movie on how Muslims become a part of religious, racial discrimination in other nations (and in ours as well, as claimed by Mr Kisser - Mr Emran Hashmi!)

Its a shame for sure. For the Nations top most (arguably) bollywood icon of present time.

But then what strikes me is how stars have been promoting their new films. They do more than just premier appearances or media talks. The more creative, the better.

Combining the two - well what comes to my mind is something that will bring down hatred on me from SRK fans.

His new flick - My Name is Khan is about discrimination of a Muslim in US .... something that he just witnessed....well....do i need to say the rest??

Not the first time he visited US, nor the first time he shot there. Moreover - he is a popular and maybe the most popular bollywood star (amongst males i guess) in US!!

All due respect to him, inspite of my little history with the baadshah :)

what say?

dunno....

Lost in a world
That scares me to death
Lost in my thoughts
I’m losing my breath
Lost inside
Without a ray of light
Lost in the darkness
Have lost my sight



Holding myself back
From what I can be
I hurt myself
Cuz I wanna break free
But this prison of thoughts
Built around me
Gives me a feeling
Which I can’t even feel


Crawling to glory
A GLORY lesser known
The silence,
Telling a story
A story still not known


Screaming, no one hears the call !!
Weeping, the tears don’t fall !!
Dreaming, the dream’z so real !!
Feeling, there’s nothing I feel !!




FROZEN, cant move at all
BROKEN, cant answer a call
SHATTERED, cant walk tall
TORMENTED, had my final fall

:)

College Admission

Where the Streets have no Name

They say –‘To go to Heaven, one must pass through Hell’. I believe it was quoted while they were on a trip like ours!

The torturous heat of Delhi coupled with the passion to ride made us find an escapade to a place where the Gods reside – Spiti Valley. Its ancient name ‘Dev Bhumi’, meaning ‘Land of Gods’ is no misnomer. The grandeur of the towering peaks, glaciers and vast valleys is so breathtaking that it was considered the abode of the Gods in ancient India. One can read and talk endlessly about this marvel but the only way one can actually feel it is by being there. I took leave from office for a minimum of 2 weeks and asked others to do so because I’ve always believed in the journey being bigger than the destination and wanted to enjoy every inch covered rather than hustling and rushing towards the destination. Our plan was to enter Spiti Valley via Manali and exit via Kinnaur. Moreover we wanted to enter Manali from the Simla-Theog-Jhalori Pass route instead of the Chandigarh-Ropar-Blilaspur-Mandi route as we had never seen the former earlier. So 5 of us, namely – Manu, Binay, Aman, Amarinder (Ammy) and I met at G. T. Karnal Road at 5 a.m. on the 14th of July and started rolling.


We wanted to cover as much distance as possible before the sun started blazing down on us. We stopped at Jhilmil (Karnal) for breakfast and then at the foothills near Kalka for lunch and headed towards Theog. On our way we decided to make a stop at Chail for the day. After having tea in our hotel we went for a walk and realized Ammy was limping. Wasn’t he supposed to if he would walk in his riding boots which were almost kissing his knees? Somehow he made it back to the hotel. We slept well and left for Manali the next morning. We had to reach Theog and then take a turn towards Jhalori pass. The roads were nice and we eased through the lush green landscapes. It was only at Jhalori Pass that we had to ride on a comparatively tough uphill road and the bikes weren’t going beyond the 2nd gear. It got even worse when we left Jhalori Pass as the downhill seemed even tougher and the roads were in very bad shape. All this while we had a few minor breakdowns in the bike like a broken clutch wire, a punctured tyre and jammed breaks but we managed all that by ourselves. Soon we hit Aut, crossed the amazing tunnel and reached Manali while it had started getting dark. Manali was jampacked and we couldn’t find a place to stay. Better still, it started raining heavily. Drenched, we all headed in different hotels to speed up the process of finding a room, which we eventually did late in the night, an expensive option, but had no choice at that time. We spent the next day in Manali, got our bikes checked, shopped for little stuff while it kept raining heavily throughout the day. Rain in Manali meant that Rohtang was getting covered in snow and so were the roads that lead us there. That was the day when we were bombed with Ammy’s intellectual questions including my personal favourite where he asked Aman, referring to his raincoat – “Is it waterproof dude?”

We left next morning and it felt like our trip had actually begun. The roads were slurry and our bikes started slipping and skidding every now and then. The conditions weren’t friendly for sure but we kept moving steadily till the time we hit a traffic jam just before Rohtang due to the heavy snow under which the whole place was covered. The riding conditions were really tough as the roads were covered with one feet of snow. Surprisingly that was the first time I ever experienced an AMS – Acute Mountain Sickness, which my other friends did too. While crawling through the traffic a personal competition between Aman and Ammy started – who would fall more times and Ammy won 5-3!

At Rohtang the traffic came to a standstill, and we witnessed something the other four had never before – snowfall. It was bliss. It soon changed into misery when the gentle snowfall changed into a rather hailstorm. We were stuck with no shelter. We tried to hide behind cars which didn’t help much as the temperature was freezing. We saw our feet getting covered with snow every now and then. Our feet and hands were frozen and we could barely move them. It was so fierce that we couldn’t even remove our helmets. It was quite an effort to unpack stuff from one bike to take out a Rum bottle which seemed like our best friend then and our only saving grace. Traffic started moving rather crawling again after almost 3 hours, luckily for us, army trucks were on our side and it was made to move first. Riding had gotten even tougher. We couldn’t see the road with visors down and couldn’t remove them due to the storm. Almost 2 feet snow had accumulated on the roads by then. The only way we could ride was by riding behind a heavy vehicle and moving along its tyre impressions. We covered the next 7-8 kms in over an hour and that’s when the road condition got a little better, but it was raining there and the roads, especially the curves were really slippery. Slowly we made it to Gramphoo and had the first meal of the day there.

From Gramphoo the straight road leads to Keylong and eventually Leh, but we had to turn right, cross Lahaul Valley and head towards Spiti. As we turned we waited for the most thrilling part of our ride – the offroads and the ‘Nalas’. Though we had gotten enough for the day already but the thrill of riding in those conditions is unbeatable. The roads ended soon and we were riding on sand, stones, pebbles and of course the slurry conditions continued and we waited for the first Nala on our way, the same Nala where Manu’s bike had broken down on our last ride. We eventually reached there but it was as good as not. The terrain is being constructed due to tourist movement in that area and the water was being drained from beneath the road with barely any above it. For a moment it seemed like that all the adventure and thrill had been stolen from us. The fear of bikes getting stalled in such extreme conditions is always there, but that’s the challenge that’s worth overcoming on one of India’s toughest yet the most beautiful terrains. After riding for a bit in really bad road conditions, appreciating nature’s beauty and its marvels and crossing some small Nalas and slurry patches, we decided to put a halt to our ride for the day at Chatru at a place which is a big constructed hall with a shutter, like our local shops have it here. At night the temperature was freezing there. After dinner and a little conversation with tourists there we hit the sack. At around 3 a.m. Ammy shot another question at me – “Saurabh I need to pee, kaise karoon?” In a flash the others fired back 3 different answers and we couldn’t stop giggling. What actually surprised me was that no one was sleeping and of course there were reasons for that too. Nevertheless I politely answered Ammy’s question – “Go out and pee.”

Next morning we witnessed an inch thick snow on the seats of our bikes. The temperature there was speaking for itself. It took quite some time to start our bikes and we were rolling again. We witnessed the worst possible roads then. I mean we witnessed no roads. It was just water, slurry patches, pebbles, flock of sheep every 5 kms or so and snow. Our average speed on that terrain was around 5 kms per hour. Words can barely define the road condition, and we had to cross all that to reach the valley of dreams. Well, we couldn’t change the road condition but what we could do was look at the breathtaking landscapes around that changed every few hours. Then there were patches where there was snow up to 20 feet on either side. Soon we crossed Batal and the Spiti region started.

The first thing was undoubtedly visiting Chandratal Lake, which is totally off the route for some 16 kms, 16 kms of pure serenity, including another big Nala which I was so anxious to cross. Fate stole it from us as the roads were blocked due to heavy snow and the only way was to trek for a good 7-8 kms which the majority wasn’t willing to. We made our next stop at Kunzum Pass 15,059 feet above sea level, did a Parikrana of the ‘temple’ there and moved on towards Losar. On our way we witnessed a beautiful meadow, which was off the way but we rode over it, parked our bikes and once again were amused by the beauty of everything we saw. All our fatigue vanished, ironically by jumping, shouting and rolling on the grass there! After all we were in Spiti Valley. We could see the landscapes painted by nature itself. In a while we started rolling again and stopped at Losar for security check and a brief lunch. That’s where the welcome board to Spiti Valley was put as the civilization starts from that village. There were proper constructed roads from there and what we witnessed while riding through the valley was something that could only be seen in dreams, in fact even better. Lush green grasslands, meandering streams, towering snow clad peaks, formidable mountains of different colours. The landscapes were such that for a moment I left my belief of the journey being bigger than the destination behind and got lost in the surroundings. The distance of 58 kms from Losar to Kaza could have been easily covered in an hour because of the beautiful roads but it took us over 3 hours as we couldn’t stop ourselves from stopping every few kms. And we can’t blame ourselves either. On our way a kid who was rearing sheep, stopped me and asked for the time and for chocolates if I had any. I did, and I gave him all of them. He spoke to me in English! We reached Kaza by evening and stayed there for the night.

Next morning was devoted completely to spirituality and expedition of the place and we visited Ki Monastery, the biggest monastery of Spiti Valley; Kibber village at 4205 meters, which the internet claims to be the world’s highest motorable village, but it isn’t anymore. We also visited the Kibber Gompa, the place where Aman closed in on the lead by falling again, the scores then read Ammy 5, Aman 4; and then Komic, Asia’s highest village and now the highest motorable village in the world, standing at some 4400metres. After that we started rolling towards Tabo but a bike had a minor breakdown, fortunately, and we stopped. On our right was a bridge that leads one to Pin Valley. I think we were destined to visit it.


The only thing 2 things I knew about Pin Valley were that it’s beautiful and that one can spot Snow Leopards there in winters. After entering, my first impression about the Pin Valley was that it is a hub of landslides. After every few meters of well built roads we used to hit a big patch of damaged roads and gravel. Nevertheless we cruised to Kungri Gompa, found a place to stay at Sagnam and rode uptil Mudh, a place where roads end. We were told that a new road will be constructed from there till Bhava Top, meaning that one could enter Kinnaur from there in just 27 kms! While going towards Mudh I had given a lift to a local and spoke to him about their lives there. It was touching. It was a perfect example of humans' constant victory against the forces of nature. While coming back from Mudh, Manu and I ripped our bikes on the rough terrain, to give Manu a little practice for his Raid ahead! We spent the night at the PWD of Sagnam and left next morning.

Tabo was the place where we first stopped for breakfast and visited the Tabo Monastery. Tabo Monastery was built around 996 AD, in a single night as the myth goes. Mystified, weren’t we? A true example of state of art, architecture and technology! We started rolling again and visited Gyu, where the Indian Army, in 1970’s, secured a Mummy, rather a skeleton of a Lama, dating around 500 years back. What adds to it is that its Hair and Nails still grow! Local monks claim that the man was a monk who mummified himself. He starved himself by eating only tree bark and nuts for years and then meditated for days. These holy activities allowed his corpse to stay untouched by any earthly decay. Science says the fasting caused his internal muscles and organs shrink, destroyed the bacteria in his intestines, with no microbe to eat away the corpse, it was preserved. After witnessing a natural wonder, the Army man showed us a mountain, just 7 kms from there, which belongs to China! I spoke to myself – “There must be a limit to the thrills we were witnessing”. We started rolling towards Nako. The roads to Nako were really nice with some breathtaking views of the mountains and valleys and the visible roads below. Soon we left the Valley of Dreams behind, only to enter yet another district, rich in geographical, geological and cultural treasures – Kinnaur. The heavenly region has taken both the influences from India and Tibet and became the ideal home for colorful Indo-Tibetan culture. We hit Maling Nala, but there wasn’t any water in it. At Nako we had lunch, visited Nako Lake and Monastery and started rolling again.


After a hard day’s ride we reached Sangla by night. Inspite of riding at night, thankfully no wild creature attacked us, as Manu claimed. We were in no hurry in the morning to leave as we wanted to explore all of Kinnaur’s attraction. We visited Chhitkul, Reckong Peo and decided to stay at the most beautiful place of all – Kalpa and were lucky to enjoy our stay in the Circuit House. With Kinner Kailash in the vicinity, I don’t find the need to elaborate on the scenic beauty. We went for chai & pakoras to the local bazaar and were greeted with warmth by the locals. Then we visited a Buddhist Temple nearby where the entire life story of Buddha was painted on the walls and also a Vishnu Temple adjacent to it.

We left early next morning and were greeted by the worst possible road conditions while leaving Kinnaur because of the Karcham – Wangtoo Hydroelectric Project. Somehow we managed to crawl through those kilometers and were halted again for 2 hours because of a blasting ahead. But as soon as one crosses Kinnaur, the roads are a treat. Since there was not much to see around and the weather had started getting hot, we started speeding, took a break for lunch and then stopped again only at Narkanda in the evening. We spent the night in Simla and started for Delhi next morning. As we crossed Dharampur, Ammy had a little accident and took the unbeatable lead of 6-4! We declared him the winner before Aman tried anything else to win. Battling the blazing sun and loo, we made it to Delhi by evening.

Now over a week that we have been back but I still can’t get over the enticing valleys, nestled by the Great Himalayas; places that are home to ancient civilisations untainted by modernity and raw physical beauty unmatched outside those mountains. Another visit for sure is on the cards.

........

Woke up with a heavy head....and eyes din wanna wake up to reality.....woke up with a feeling of loneliness - after a long time i woke up that way! woke up as if I've lost something .... woke up as if its a new begining ..... woke up like it wasnt me!
what a yesterday it was!

The first thing i do, always do ... is to pick my phone up and see the time ..... or to check for any msgs or calls and most importantly msgs i had sent the previous night ..... but i din have the courage to look at it...at least then. for except the bad dream i had...or should i say a few bad dreams i had at night ...... i remembered exactly what else had happened. i wasnt sure whether i had killed a long period of wait or had begun an endless wait for myself. whatever hapened shudnt have hapened for sure....or maybe shud have hapened long long ago .... or sometimes in the future ..... that was perhaps the worst of times ..... i dont know.....i dont know anything now .... kinda lost it!

after 3-4 months of staying away from everything.....n making myself believe that ill be a diferent person soon .... i slipped again.

and now this familiar smell of the mud...familiar sound of the raindrops.....familiar sight of it too!! when will my little miracle leave me?? just when i do not want to believe in them.....this little miracle chases me ..... right from the time when i once lied to hide my tears, way way way back ..... i never realised someone heard me ..... and gifted me....or cursed me with it!

i see so many people online...none i can talk to anymore......a phone full of numbers....none i can call........its back to just me again. guess in my quest of finding answers....i am writing them myself so that in the end when i do not find them...i do not blame anything else but ME!

starting again from that familiar territory scares me ...... cuz now i have a career in hands....a career that i have already put in the ditch...... I need to rise...but I do not see myself rising anytime soon now. I can so easily rectify yesterday, wash it all away ..... but that would be a lie and i cannot live with it for the rest of my life! n maybe whatever i rectify would again be faced soon ... cuz guess thats how things were suposed to end ... an ending that gave way to a not so good begining ... an ending that gave way for a never ending wait!

may angels lead u in

converting youtube file from vixy....cant get any audio :((

a big thank u to all of u ..... all of u who r here, not here, were never there, will always be .... even when im not around :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdFOAMNs4vI


There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Better Man

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

the story begins :)

in quest of my answers....answers i never had.....even while those questions torture my non - existent , drunk, intolerable mind!

i found a way to simplify it all. how about putting every subject in my life as a chapter....with my questions....and to the answers i did find out....and the questions to which i am still looking to be answered! ... pardon me for grammatical mistakes :P
worse...i do not even want to correct it....just wanna go with the flow :P


its too tempting to put down chapter one right now...cuz without me starting it...i wont write the whole book!!.... but no. i want to be clear of what exactly i want! i kinda am now. i will try to be as truthful as possible. pardon me for my memory losses that i have had. pardon me for just telling the story from my side....but ill try and analyze it to my best possible level what might have been going on the other end as well. but i promise...i will be true. people might hate me and make perceptions about me....but do i care? lol. .... one reason y THEY dun like me cuz i never cared (they were so wrong!).

but i think i wud spare my friends from this....by that i mean...the handful i have. i love them....so what if i do not like them at times...i still love them :)

my quest begins.....quest for the answers i never found! maybe someday....some day..... some fucking day .... i find the answers....and turn out to be a better man!

amen

Strange are Strangers ... at least me!

It was only when i felt something warm at the corner of my eye, i pushed the lazy me outta bed at 4:30 a.m.....cuz i needed to talk....and what better place to :)
The only thing I dont know is WHY! or WHAT!

I am still as speechless....as mindless and as thoughtless as i was uptil a few hours ago.

Yesterday started as any other normal day...and ended the same way too...but something in between has been a part of me .... and wil be for some more time to come.

lets recall the day in brief....catching Haathi online and he asking me names of girls he can hit on (that was funny) and telling geting in tuch with his ex-love that very moment....and surprisingly my ex-flame coming online after ages...and a little convo with her online....of course she not bothering a bit to talk....and yeah a compliment that i looked good in my bro's wedding pics (of course i did :P )...what was surprising was she saw it on my bhabhi's profile....even she is added in her list...not me!! haha..was weird...especially after u know u have been separated for 6 years now...and how the hell she knows my bhabhi?? lol ... ok must have been through my brother with whom she has been in tuch via the internet.... but she is one topic i do not discuss with anyone...so lets end here.

spending some time online....trying to write something but somehow...just diverting mind into something else...coming across a blog which rattled me...enough not being able to write or comment anything in there......and of course handling a little work from home :)

a movie....a couple of relatives.....friends coming over in the evening ..... drinks ... dinner. Online chats...funny and weird ones.....especially when u take a couple of people off ur list for no reasons...or yeah minute reasons...lol...that was funny and um sure she still wonders why...hehehehe. But thats just me....at my best...at my worst...at par with myself when um drunk!! Just another day...time to sleep....its a good thing to sleep by 12 when u have an important early morning meeting in office....office which is 50 kms away!

but it was only when i hit the bed...things started hitting me...or should i say...something started hitting me hard. In the recent past I've ben trying to keep myself away from other people miseries...i try to spare them from the unwanted love and care that i shower on them...basically try not to make a fool of myself by being their mommy-daddy all the time.....but guess this time...i felt some pain....someone else's pain within me.... A pain i saw....cud never evaluate the extent though...a pain i felt...but of course me feeling it hardly matters....ana a pain i read today...a pain that has kept me up since the time i hit bed....a pain that reflected in that lil drop of tear that somehow escaped my eyes and pushed me outta bed!

she always seems so calm...so in control of self.....so into ur troubles...even while her personal life was breaking into pieces all this while. of course u cant expect an absolute stranger to open her book of life in fronta u .... but in a way she did .... she did open her blog :)

i do not know u....but i always tried striking a conversation without even knowing how to start talking about U! every post..post after post i knew its gonna happen...but i din know from where to start...what to say...how to be there (especially when i wasnt even needed)...so basically i tried making a fool of myself....but thanks to u that our convo's just stayed limited to me...or around some stupid ideas of promoting ur brand.

i have always been there for ppl to make them smile....cheer them up while i was burying down lots within...somehow seeing ppl around u happy gives u a hapiness beyond ur imagination...and thats where my hapiness lies in..has been for a long time now..in fact been the only hapiness ive known for all this while....but today i realised the kinda mortal i am....

it is rather weird to feel this way....the worst not being able to tell that i actually care (no matter how weird that sounds) .... but in a way i just did!! (wasnt intentional...i just realised i did!)

i so wanted to talk...actually talk wthout knowing what to..just wanted to talk.


and i still do not know what to say...what to write!!

hats off to the person u r....to the stregth u possess ..... to the beautiful soul u r .....
all wud be ok soon ..... n like once a wise person told me rather commented on my post ----- its only after the darkest night that lies the brightest morn!

so much more to say.....just do not know what to!

take care..... :)

Fixing up

When u try ur best but u dont succeed,
When u get what u want but not what u need,
When u feel so tired but u cant sleep
Stuck in Reverse.....


18th of may begins, like every other 18th of May, unlike every other day though....the only diference being - geting born on this day 25 years back! wishes from expected and unexpected people - some bringing smiles ..... n a few expected wishes not coming along - making that smile go broader!

the facebook profile geting disabled permanently....which had quite a lotta contacts...and strangers too whom i liked to interact with.

waking up in the morning....and the song that kept geting played in the mind was - FIX YOU by COLDPLAY....searched my phone...din have that song there.....din have the time to put on the comp as had to rush to office..... a few more calls on the way....expected and unexpected....and one call from someone whom i cudnt place and she refused to give her identity either....and better still one call from someone i dont know!!
anywayz....reaching office.....listening to fix u...a lil bit work was all i did...headed back home...n by that time i knew celebrations are gonna happen at my place.....organising all made me sweat exactly the way i did during my bro's wedding functions.

all this while....kept waiting for a few expected calls which din come....but someone did come over....she was invited but din expect her to actually turn up! her visit ... guess it means....i hafta drain away all the hatred and ignorance i had stored within....which apparently piled up cuz of the ignorance i got! it was really nice to see her though :) ... but neither she had company there...nor enough time...but her short visit was very well appreciated. then th ebeer bath to set things up!! and the 4th change for me in the day. after seeing her off.....phew the party began th ebig way.....drinking drinking drinking.....and lots of other stuff! from a 4-5 people gathering....it turned out to be like a 30 people gathering. the clock ticked the last second of that day.....and it was the 19th.....n still no call from a few expected people!! ... ha ha .... the song played again...



N the tears come streaming down ur face
When u lose something u cant replcae
When u love someone and it goes to waste
Could it be worse??


hell no i wasnt sad!! ... but the song we wud never forget is when Unni sung - "zaher hai ki pyaar hai tera chumma" ... ha ha .... will make the 25th a memorable one!
everyone left one by one .... some who planned to stay back also left....at least 2 of them were surprised to see a new member at home!... yeah they din know about my brothers wedding.... one of them nearly cried too ....... guess my ignorance is a result of repeated "taking me for granted" by people.....lots n lots....not here!

it was time to sleep and till that time i never realised it was my birthday that just passed by!! without giving any further thought to things.....i slept.....purposely din go to the idiot box to write crap after geting drunk!

woke up to the same song again .....

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


was in the shower for quite some time....the tears din roll by .... waited and waited .... but they just dont!!

got ready...reached office...worked a bit.....planing to leave for the other office....but instead....thought of listening to the song that has been singing itself.....and have been listening to it over and over again now....even while writing this...........one of the rare...really really rare occasions when um writing during the day.....writing without geting high on alcohol....
guess the <25 years and >25 years brings about some diferences in a kid :P .... ha ha

i need to fix up things. a week left for my project at the other office.....need to wrap up some already piled up work of this office...which will take a week more of mine ........ a friend has taken a leave from office in june for our trip......n i think i hafta cancel my cricket tournament for the ride.....cuz i need to figure out a lot ..... as always ..... th eonly diference....um 25 + now...n my elder bro has gotten married....haha...cudnt think of a better reason :D


LIGHTS WILL GUIDE ME HOME
AND IGNITE MY SOUL
AND I WILL TRY
TO FIX ME

depends upon how long i take to write this....

i run and hide
i close my eyes
i sing a prayer
long for a lullaby

yes ive been off this place for a while now....n i dont even know intentionally or unintentionally....

the reason to tie myself up with work n other stuff was intentional....the reason to tie myself up with extra responsibilities was intentional ...... the reason to be off everything ws intentional ........ the only reason i dont know is why!

i mite sound weird...... but the past few weeks have been one of the most exciting weeks of my life......i did nothing diferent........work....friends.....and drinking....all usual stuff....but somehow everything seemed so nice.

yeah ive closed my eyes towards those who closed themselves on me.....from being the most popular guy......to being the most ignored ...... i faced it all with open eyes ..... but now ..... have shut them ...... its like ...... blinking for me now means opening them! i need to.....to see reality...to see the real world .... living real....but living fake.

had my comp not fucked up....i wud have been more sensible...with my words and feelings.....that is cuz i wud have had lesser drinks than what i have had now......

the drunkard is back in delivering crap.....fortunately read by one single soul..... and u know who u r :) ...

everytime i am driving or riding ..... so many thoughts cross my mind .... so many posts i post on an empty canvas that is full of thoughts ..... but somehow i cant type them down .... i cannot vent them out ..... maybe um scared to .... maybe i dont want to .... maybe they arent meant to!

all i made of myself in the past 6 years needs to be rectified.....and well...i guess...things are better......guess this is the best time i have had in the past 6 years when i have actually closed myself.....shut my eyes.....closed my mind from rest of the world ......

who am i ... what am i .... why am i ........i havent even bothered to peep into my bare existence .... or the answers i always looked for. i barely gave myself time to shed those tears ..... tears that will wash away those years (thnx to u that i actually heard the song again...n again...n again) .....

i try to run
i try to hide
i try to close my eyes
i try to control those tears....
and i forget
that they are gonna wash away those years


these eyes are gonna be shut for a little more while ..... n ill open them up again to the real life :)

The Master of Disguise :)

No mask He wears
No pretension He bears
No lie He speaks
No truth He tweaks

So many faces
But He bears none
The count of His expressions
Are numbered at ONE

He likes it straight
He likes it precise
Yet is
The Master of Disguise

Read on :)

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

SVIDANIYA

Saying goodbye has been the toughest thing for this "tuf taurian" all his life....so hard that I cudnt even say BYE at the end of any conversation. But these 2 dayz .... i had to say that to a few people....guess i am on some mission to make up for all the times i cud not! And even more interestingly .... in different wayz! 4 people and 4 diferent ways of saying it. N moreover, digging out 2 outta them, maybe just to say that! All sweet n nice. No arguments. Just thanking them for being there.

Y is it that even when u have no bitterness in between u hafta say that word....for good? Y is it so?

Or is it that u were made to say that long long ago....but u were scared to lose them.....so withdrew....delayed the inevitable.

They were once the ones who meant the most to u. They still could very well be.

But one word ends it all for me.

I made my choice....rather was asked to make it in the first place. No looking back now for except the good old memories.

Goodbye ppl ... u wont even know that um gone....cuz i was never even there in the first place ...... no one is gonna miss me.....everything i said and felt wud never mean a thing..........but that wont be the case with me.

well....should end it here...have a list to put an end to :)

I wanna be a Rockstar ~~~~

i havent really been drinking in a car while driving it for a long long time. But again these PASTA maniacs wanted to have Beer and Pasta at this new joint and well...somehow they just cant go without me....n i love them for that :) hahaha.

i so aint a beer person....i just love siping on whiskey...but well.....i joined them for the FEAST.....and well love me driving after i am high....cuz then they see
the 15-16 year old me when i used to take them for rides, without knowing them well - as i was the only one at that time having my own car! (but that drive comes only on a special request....i have sobered ever since i was 17...haha)......

it was one of those dayz when they wanted to have a wild drive around the city ... while zipping zapping through the traffic (they trust my driving more than i do!) ... but i din want to ... i wanted to enjoy my beer ....and al of a sudden this song played.....so not me....but i remembered my old time what i used to be....what i aspired...n what i still do (i felt this way that time!) .... the volume went high....so did the speed...n there i was...SINGING to Nickleback..... so not me...yet so so me!




I'm through with standing in line to clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me watchya want)

I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough for ten plus me

(Tell me watchya need)

I'll need a
Credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club at thirty-seven thousand feet

(Been there, done that)

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny as we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair and well,
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs so I can eat my meals for free

(I'll have the quesadilla, haha)

I'm gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to blow my money for me

(So how you gonna do it)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny as we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair
And we'll
Hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a Drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star

I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills from a pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip sync em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny as we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair
And we'll
Hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star



I will never be a rockstar....but can at least sing it more often while those crazy drives for sure :)

i realised i gotto find that buried self ...... that buried lil guy soon :)

maybe the feeling would fade in just a while....but um glad i felt this way!!

i am having some positive influence i think!!

I WANNA BE A FUCKING ROCKSTAR :p

:)

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and rushed to the mirror cuz i really wanted to see myself that way...and i did. It was ecstatic. I tried to remember when was the last time that I saw myself this way while i was alone. There was a sense of happiness within. I tried hard to remember when did I last felt happy within, while being with myself, just myself. I touched my face, I felt my smile, it was for real. I touched the mirror, I asked it - "How do I look?", anxiously waiting for an answer, I felt something warm in my eyes. And the phone rang. Time of realization - nothing was real, it was all a dream! I opened my somewhat wet eyes to realize its my landline ringing with the 7:40 a.m. alarm! And like everyday I picked the receiver and kept it back but didnt bother shutting off that everyday alarm that has been set by someone (maybe even me) by mistake.

But unlike every other day, i did not go back to sleep but went to the mirror to look at myself. My eyes were still wet (no i wasn't crying). I touched my face and then the mirror and like instantly the guy in the mirror answered me - "Happiness is just a dream dude". I pondered over it for a few seconds and well yeah that made me smile :)

I went back to bed thinking of the night before yesterday, of all the feelings i had while driving back home after seeing someone. All those feelings engulfed me and pushed me back in time again and just like powerpoint slides - all the similar memories from the past stroked - and the guy in the mirror kept laughing at me.

I had kept behind a lot of things, I do look back at them but do not let them look back at me. I had even kept behind how i felt that night and that too in just a days time! But i guess i couldnt keep behind one feeling or desire i had within me. I thought I'd be happy this time, no matter how momentary that happiness turns out to be, I knew I will get it this time - and that too in a way that could be cherished for a long long long time to come. N then i thought of several other similar occasions when i felt the same way but....

i walked up to the Mirror again - looked at the guy straight in the eyes, smiled and told him - Yeah Happiness is just a dream :)

Amnesia

My heart goes out to people who suffer from amnesia (amongst a lotta other things). How difficult is it for a man to start all over again, leaving behind the memories - which would never be his!
Or is it not? Life's full of fuck ups and making new starts could also be easier than dealing with the past! Yeah life could be so much easier then :)

For some part of my life i wanted an escapade to leave the past behind. I shifted to another city only to realize that i can run from certain things, not from others and above all never from my own self, my own true self that finds me every night that I pretend to sleep. And i start life right from the point i leave it every night, having stopped believing in miracles that things might change overnight!

What I've realized in the recent past is that I was heard sometimes and gifted with something i asked for - a memory loss - Amnesia - something that's an integral part of me now.

Why else would i forget all the insults and ignorance i received from them, and show up at their door whenever they remember me!

Why else would i forget all the times when i asked them to be there and they never were, and still believe that they will be when i need them!

Why else would i forget, that even after saying goodbye (i do not use the word BYE or GOODBYE, just use it once), i still greeted them or their calls with the same smiling face!

Why else would i forget all the times that i've asked and promised myself to go into my hiding, yet come out here to express myself!!

Amnesia gives me a little hope of being a better being ..... but it kills me softly .... keeps killing me .... softly .... everyday......everytime!

The Wrestler

Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?
If you've ever seen a one trick pony then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making its way down the street?
If you've ever seen a one-legged dog then you've seen me


Have you ever seen a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and wheat?
If you've ever seen that scarecrow then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at nothing but the breeze?
If you've ever seen a one-armed man then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

These things that have comforted me, I drive away
This place that is my home I cannot stay
My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to dance his way free?
If you've ever seen a one-legged man then you've seen me

crap - gift wrapped!

one of those times when u wanna write something ..... something ...... anything ..... and u stare at the screen and look at the keyboard....time n time again cuz u want ur every sentence to be more impactful than the previous one.

u write. u delete. u think. u write again. u delete again. u think more. everything thats there in ur mind shouts out loud but somewhere the coverter...the translator....has gone wrong n u cannot put it all down to words.

u feel a million things at the moment. all of a sudden u start believing in the healing power of love...but....cant write about it.....cuz uve never felt that way...n yeah even if u have.....its long forgotten for u to remember what it was like!

u dun wanna be dark all over again.....but wanna think and write something thats bright....something that brings a smile.....anything that makes u smile! U stop. U think. U write. U delete. U think more. back to the same cycle!

u spend 3 hours, not willing to give up!

aaaaah....finally time for drinks....makes u smile cuz u knw that words wud just flow in a while ...... feelings wud find their way ..... mind wud be clearer (or not so clear but ud care less)....but no.....u dun want a dark influence cuz it wud be when u r a few drinks down! the tru self is revealed.....what do u have within? a cheerful persona who wants to see others smile? make others happy? sheer crap!
wheres ur will to smile? wheres ur will to be happy? wheres ur will??

its turning a lil dark!
u still dun wanna give up.

u r a pessimist.....trying to be an optimist.....!!
optimism elevates the level....n u wanna drink.....cuz u know it wont affect u....u know ud be what u r....ud still end up writing what u wanted to. something thats not dark. something that makes u smile!

finally u have ur first sip :)) .... needless to say that ur fucked up already .... n what fucks u up even more is that nobody cares! makes u laugh ... the kinda laugh that doesnt disturb ur facial muscles! u think. n u think more. u write. n u delete again. is it time to have ur first drink in peace?? but peace cant follow with an unsuccessful attempt to write something when u really want to! especially when its something that was asked for! a super blog post - guess that was the term used. it can only be super when 'one' cud relate to it......by that i mean the 'one' who asked for it......n what that 'one' wud see is a blank page till now! n what that 'one' wud see is a loser who actually attempts writing something that was suposed to be a 'gift' .... asked for sarcastically (again the pessimist can only think that ways)! SORRY!

time for another drink and maybe words wud flow (if it goes on to another and another and another...) ....but that wud be cheating! so i just wanna wrap it up before that stage. i think again! (look at the usage ..... from "u" which was there to genaralize it ... it has come down to "me" to be specific ..... damn i so cannot wear a mask...even when i try hard! ... n that reminds me of something i really wanna write about - the masks people wear!) it doesnt really help.

but yeah a thought just flows.

y is it when u wanna gift someone something it never really meets the expectation......no matter how hard u try....no matter what u do! the gifted always wears a smile (or like i said "a mask") and u relieve urself of the responsibility to gift!

also just wonder.... whenever u think u havent gotten enough .... someone somewhere just tried .. maybe gave the best they cud.

its just a matter of perception ..... amongst the two....the one to gift .... n the one to receive it ..... that the rest follows!

finally i find a title for this..... n i change it to "CRAP - GIFT WRAPPED" from "CRAP"! ha ha!


(ill make up for the super blog post....really wud)

Indispensable Pain

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a mobile phone. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

the drunkard

"ur at ur best when ur drunk"
"i see a human in u when ur drunk"
"i hate when ur drunk bcz thats a wrong thing. i love when ur drunk cuz u r so right then"

wellllllll....something i have heard from diff ppl....over n over again!

n no prizes for guessing um drinking.....yet on my way of getting drunk!

many say u lose urself. what i hafta say is that i find myself when um drunk!!
(ohhh this too was uttered by someone :P )

the truth about drinking....from a drunkard - "even when um drunk....i am me. i am myself, at best or worst or the same...i still am me. its just a part of me...inevitable....the true me or the masked me.... that's something even i havent been able to figure out.....so how can u??"

i still remember when i was admitted to a hospital with excessive blood loss and the doctors asked for blood.....a friend candidly replied..."no probs....i know his blood group....its RC +ve ...(for all those whu din get it RC= Royal Challenge = my x brand) .....its 2 p.m. so its easily available" ... the doctors cudnt believe what he said ....n were even more amazed how casually the dude was talking!

ha ha....but on a serious note.....what does this alcohol do after getting in the blood stream? lets not talk science cuz anyone can find it on google!

everyone has different experiences......some feel hungry....eat and sleep .....

some eat n puke...
some puke without eating....

some start with their non stop bakhchodi (sorry) ....

some keep a MAUN VRAT.....

some speak their heart out....

some read...

n some write

(there cud be as many things one does as there are individuals)

n better still....some start with a particular topic n drift away :P ..... lol :D


ok....now serious wala serious note......does drinking change u? make u do things u dun wanna do? or makes u do things u want to but aint sure about when sober!
or brings out the buried u out,,,,cuz it needs to?
or is it that drinks take u over and prioritize fantasies over realities??

do u lose urself when drunk? or find urself??

Sepulcher .... answers

now that so many have asked me why do i have "rotting" name from all the good names or titles i honoured living n non living things by....ha ha....i owe a reason!

the answer is simple i guess. i am one of the zillions out there, am ordinary, so i needed to have a name which is ordinary! which everyone can relate to. At first u wont agree with me. Right?
try n give it a thought.
what is a sepulcher?? so u know what it means!
now think again!!
aren't we all?

dun we all bury so much within? joys, pains, moments passed by.... ashez of memories that remain ... maybe some feelings which never found their way out....maybe tears that dried before gushing down our cheeks.....maybe words which needed to come out at a certain moment but din.......maybe those actions of feeling like hugging someone, kissing someone, slapping, kicking or shooting someone.... which eventually din happen.......maybe love, maybe hatred.........to name a few amongst the infinite!
dont we all have so much within ...... mostly dead now.......but lived once!

and dont we all keep filling ourselves with more....everytime....all the time?
dont we all bury so much within?

just remembered a piece of mine which i have here too....nevertheless for those who keep asking without actually reading or listening!!

As if I’m alive
Unidentified
A thought, not simplified
A moment, passed by
A dream, not visualized
A tear that’s dried
Wings stolen, feet tied
I don’t run, I just hide
All I have, remains inside


Made to live
Live my fears
Made to breathe
Breathe my sins
Made to smile
Smile my tears
Made to feel
Feel the pain
Made to see
See some dreams (that never come to life)


My silence screams
“What have I become?”

Hell realized
A mistake, not rectified
A sinner, not purified
A feeling, crucified
Pains humanized
A sepulcher
Sepulcher Personified

You forgive me for liking you too much,
and i'll forgive you for not liking me enuf.
You forgive me for missing you so,
and i'll forgive you for being so cold.
You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
and i'll forgive you for not hearing it.
You forgive me for playing your games,
and i'll forgive you for toying wid my emotions.
You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
and i'll forgive you for not noticing.
You forgive me for raising you up so high,
and i'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.
You forgive me for wanting to be wid you,
and i'll forgive you for avoiding me.
You forgive me for being so pathetic,
and i'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
You forgive me for having hopes and dreamz,
and i'll forgive you for crushing them.
You forgive me for not being able to let go,
and i'll forgive you for never having latched on.

DO WE HAVE A DEAL????!

the Cancer of Me

i tried filtering myself down

i tried putting myself to the simplest of words.......to the simplest of me....n this is what i think i am!





i am like the white blood cells in you........ur protector.......or saviour.......

i develop myself as a need......as a necesity..........maybe just because i need a home to live in......maybe cuz um a creeper looking for that wall to climb.......maybe cuz um so damn weak n need a support to hold on......maybe cuz i cannot survive alone n i need you!!



ill protect u, save u from everything..........ill be ur savior, ur healer.......all that u need.

ill make u want more n more of me...................n ill make u NEED me more n more of me.

everytime ur hurt...il be there

everytime u need me ill be there all heart n soul.



n ill multiply.......ill multiply in u .......



then its like "rakshak bane bhakshak".......the saviour turning into a destroyer.......white blood cells multiplying itself.........................and becoming cancer!

u wudnt want me anymore.......u would just wanna get rid of me!!



then u hafta kill me before i kill u!!



have been killed.......so many times in the past................over n over again!!



no -one ever looked on the other side.......



i can be cured too..................n not alwayz killed



looking for someone to cure me.....n not kill the already killed me!

the bestseler in the making

if minds cud speak or type themselves....everyone cud have had a bestseler...almost everyday in their lives!!!

those who can put their minds into words get the apreciation....what about those whu cant??

the smiling loser :)

the sepulcher smiled....yes it did....only to complete the circle

My shining star

the answer to urs :P

Up in the sky, a shining star
Seeming so distant, seeming afar
Throwing its aura down upon me
Its silhouette surrounds the sky bizarre

As it shines down on me
Spreading a light so heavenly
I look at it and smile
I just wanna be with it for a while

As I stare at it
Its white blind light,
Envelops me
All I see, is just a fantasy

I long for wings so that I could fly
Wanna reach out for it, wanna touch the sky
I jump out of the window, I wanna get closer
And fall on the ground, as always a loser

Broken and shattered, I face the reality
The star shines down, but not on me
I wanna run, I wanna flee
I wanna hide, the light hurts me
Just can’t escape, can’t break free.

The star still shines bright
It still scatters its heavenly light
Its distant, its afar
It smiles at me
It makes me live a fantasy

Sitting by the window staring into horizon
I wonder about my shining little star
My heart aches when it realizes the truth
It never needed me, we are too far.

A different kinda happy ending

my 100th post :) .... the first one that i ever typed!!

n what better time for it to come.....when ur pushed right back to the exact point from where u started...years years back.



The sunlight hasn’t broken yet
The moonlight has faded away
A twinkling star can still be seen
And not even a creature that flies
One man is awake, as he always is
With a Cigarette in his hand
And with translucent eyes

With a fist full of emotions
Cuz the heart couldn’t hold more
And a head with shattered dreams
With a Heart that’s pumping feelings,
Feelings that are there to stay
the veins which are hollow, yet Full of emotions
And BLOOD? Well it’s already drained away!!

Has Wings, but doesn’t wanna fly
Wants to, but still can’t cry
Looks up, but can’t hold his head up high
Needs to, but still doesn’t try
A sight that brings tear to the eyes
How I wish, he just dies!!

Voices in his head
“the one who always smile, never gets old "
Brings a Smile to his face,
a smile that has lost all its grace.
His heart of Gold,
turned into stone;
He feels nothing,
just feels Cold.





At a distance, not so far away
Lies a memory

Known as the ever smiling guy
He made his way through everything
I was told
Then why is it that now he feels
100 years old

When he didn’t have wings,
But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t fly
Had a spirit that shouted "NEVER SAY DIE"
N even if he knew he won’t succeed,
he still tried, tried n tried.


Nothing could break him
No storm could shake him
Maybe he knew some magic
Used to do wonders
Look life is so tragic
In spite of all the good he did
He just faced Thunders

Something went wrong
dun know what
how everything changed
did anyone ever gave it a thought ?

What happened, why he changed?
It'll always remain within him
The one who had answers to everything
Now just answers everything with a grin.

N Now its Morning
the worlds about to wake
n its time for Him to sleep
Sleep while he is still awake
Knows it’s another day that he has to pretend
Pretend to sleep
Pretend to be alive
Pretend as he wants to survive





How he wishes that the world always sleeps
so that he can be up all the time

How he wishes that the world always sleeps
So that he doesn’t have to keep his eyes dry

How he wish that the world always sleeps
So that he doesn’t have to pretend that he still flies high

How he wishes that the world always sleeps
so that no one sees him waiting

Yes he is always up cuz he is waiting
He doesn’t want anybody to see
that he is waiting.

Waiting for his happy ending
The kinda ending
(That even he knows)
Will never arrive!!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Still waiting
So that he cud tell himself
At least I TRIED!!

~ ~ $ePuLcHeR pErSoNiFiEd ~ ~

post number 99 - a dedication to the Myself :p


As if I’m alive
Unidentified
A thought, not simplified
A moment, passed by
A dream, not visualized
A tear that’s dried
Wings stolen, feet tied
I don’t run, I just hide
All I have, remains inside


Made to live
Live my fears
Made to breathe
Breathe my sins
Made to smile
Smile my tears
Made to feel
Feel the pain
Made to see
See some dreams (that never come to life)


My silence screams
“What have I become?”

Hell realized
A mistake, not rectified
A sinner, not purified
A feeling, crucified
Pains humanized
A sepulcher
Sepulcher Personified

HURT

Blog number 98 - a dedication to Johny Cash .... and Nine Inch Nails to altogether add another dimension to it!

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of Hype (Cash had put "thorns", Nin chipped in "Shit", but in my case its pure "Hype")
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away

I would keep myself
I would find a way

Coming back to life

PURE ECSTASY......


Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

4 dayz 4 highwayz

so finally the article of our trip....a short one ... needed badly though.

cant believe there are so many mistakes made, while editing it, apart from all the fun part edited :p

a trip that tuk us on 4 different national highways - NH 58, Nh 87E, Nh 87 and NH 24 in 4 dayz. a trip where our decision to venture a new highway rewarded us :)

The Master of Disguise

No mask He wears
No pretension He bears
No lie He speaks
No truth He tweaks

So many faces
But He bears none
The count of His expressions
Are numbered at ONE

He likes it straight
He likes it precise
Yet is
The Master of Disguise

The Shining Star

this piece is by someone who has stopped writing!
putting it up here cuz i love what u write.

get back to ur writing habits...wanna read more :)



up in the sky,a shining star..
seeming so distant,seeming afar..
throwing its aura down upon me..
its silhouette surrounds the sky bizarre..

its rays penetrate deep in my soul..
i'm tempted to touch and have it all..
it whispers a story unsaid to the world..
i can hear its voice,it gives me a call..

endeavoring to leap up n touch the sky..
i crave for wings for i wanna fly..
life directs me to reach out to it..
impossible it is..i fret and i cry..

i now fall flat and face the reality..
a mortal i am,no angel in disguise..
constraints and incapabilities bound me back..
disappointed,defeated..i pay the price..

sitting by the window staring into horizon..
i wonder about my shining little star..
my heart aches when it realizes the truth..
it needs me no more,we are too far..

a story.....

Flying high in the skies
Was lonely, but full of life
Was alone but still smiled

Heard a sweet voice – “can u teach me how to fly”
Looked down to see
A pretty face
So sweet
So innocent
Her voice filled with belief
Her question, full of faith.

Extended my hand
Held her
Shared my wings
N together we flew
Flew above the skies
Above all that lies

I knew she was the one
The one for me
The entire wait was worthwhile
To have her in my life

It was all a dream for her
But she made me see the reality
When I was falling to the ground
She took my wings
Wanted to fly higher

Didn’t even look back to see
What’s gonna happen to me!!


While falling down
I told myself
Never to lend a hand


I fell to the solid ground
And I fell hard
Was an unknown territory
But soon learned to walk
And started walking tall


Walked my worries,
Walked my past away
Walked the distance
To be on my own again

At times I looked up at the sky
And told myself
That soon I will fly


Walking thru my life
I heard a voice – “can I walk with u?
Her face so innocent
Her voice so sweet
Looked down to see
She didn’t have legs
Tried so hard
But still I couldn’t flee

She seemed to be haunted by self-doubt
Yet filled with self-belief
Held her hand
And together we walked
Walked the roads
Walked the mountains

She seemed so right
She seemed to be the one
And we walked our lives together
It was all a dream to her
But she made me see the reality
When off the clip, she pushed me!

She wanted to walk tall
So she took my all
I smiled at her
But she didn’t even looked back to see
What’s gonna happen to me

While falling I looked at the mountains
Looked at the sky
Told myself never to lend a hand
Cuz I knew soon ill walk
And soon ill fly
Fly high

Fell into the waters
A domain unknown
Didn’t know how to swim
My arms tried to clinch every wave
Every drop
To keep myself alive
Alive for the day when id fly high!

Soon learned how to swim
And soon I swam the rivers
Across the sea
Across the oceans

Heard a voice – “can I swim with you?”
I didn’t looked back to see
Cuz I knew whats gonna happen to me

Saw her reflection
She didn’t have arms
Was about to drown

Looked back to see
And just cudnt flee

She had a tear
But still smiled

I held her in my arms
I looked in her eyes
I knew she was the one for me

Together we swam the seas,
Crossed the oceans
She gave me her all
And took my all
Took my arms

She wanted to swim alone
Wanted to swim faster
Left me there
Left me drowning

Didn’t look back to see
That the one who was drowning
Was me!!




As I drowned
I saved every breath
And told myself
Not to lend a hand

Ohhh I realized
I dun have any!!!


I drowned
And was outta life
Started to float

Floated alone
Floated for so long

Looked at the sea
Looked at the mountains
Looked at the sky

But now I knew
I won’t ever walk,
Will never be able to fly

I closed my eyes
Rested in peace
Floated around the world

I hit a body
Floating next to me
She was so numb
She couldn’t even speak

She looked at me
But I closed my eyes
Tried so hard to push away
But the waters pushed her closer to me
What a pity
This time I wanted to
But I couldn’t even flee!!!!





I saw as I opened my eyes
She gasped for breath
I understood
All the words, those were unsaid

I looked at her
She seemed so true
She seemed so real
Out of breath
And out of life

I knew my salvation
I knew my destiny
I clinched on to her
As she kept on looking at me

I held her close
Parted her lips
Breathed into her

She came to life
And promised me a life
I life that should have been
A life that was still unseen

She gave me her all
She breathed into me
She held me tight
We shared our lives
And we shared a dream


We hit the shore
She tuk me outta the sea
Hugged me so tight
And all this while
I waited for her to leave
But she stood there
Right by my side

I gave her my all
Taught her to walk
Taught her to fly
And she promised me a life
Promised me together we will fly

Somewhere within my heart
I always knew
She was the one to take me
To my destiny!


I always knew
She was the one
To take me where I crave
I always knew
She was the one
To put me in my grave


I saw her as she hugged me
I saw her as she kissed me
I breathed into her
The last breath I saved
For the day id fly
She lifted me
Smiled at me
Dug the ground
Put me in
She kissed me softly
Caressed me gently
Turned around
And didn’t even say “goodbye”

Now it’s me
Alone I lie
I’ve reached my destiny
And don’t even look at the sky

Someone knocked the coffin
And I knew how to reply
I just smiled
And closed my eyes!!


At times my silence screams
At times, loudly I cry
It all goes unheard
Everyone just passes by

At times I wonder
Is there no one
Who could stay?

Was everyone
There to play?


Then in the midst of the night
I heard a sound
Must be a mistake
Left with nothing, I lie here alone
All is taken away.

think about this!!

when u try to escape something, it follows u! .... and catches u (almost) everytime!

when u chase something..u keep chasing ... dun get to lay ur hands on it (mostly)


y??

if it applies to everyone ..... then whose the one to catch hold of? and whose the one to escape???

answer this!!

what can a man give in return of his life??

facts again...

i guess these were the longest 5 dayz of my life ......longest cuz so many things hapened in such a short span of time that these 5 dayz have become an memorable moment (if put together) already!
i kept all my doubts, worries, suspicion and pessimism at bay and guess had a great time. but truth doesnt take long to slap u on the face again!
my apologies....not truth.....but Facts.....truth could be perceived outta them though.

it hits hard to know that inspite of everything u r pushed to the starting point again.


the sepulcher still smiles....with translucent eyes this time :)

that unforgettable smile....

I've missed providing immortality to a million special moments - pictures that could have won me awards if provided with a suitable caption, moments that will last a lifetime but just in my memory now, beautiful nature (being an adventurer and a traveler)and a lot more - but I've never really cared much and told myself that there'll be a next time too.

Guess it was just today that i actually missed not having a gadget to immortalize that moment, a moment that just changed me for a while, a moment that made me think,a moment that hazed reality, a moment where i could barely think about anything else, a moment that captured my thoughts, my heart and my soul. A moment that enveloped me with an aura so strong that its making me write about it!

I had to follow her car on my bike, so i was riding right behind the car and what i could see for except the car was the rear view mirror which was set perfectly for me to see that smile of hers. I've seen her smile a lotta times before but today it encapsulated me. Real or surreal.....hard to say......but for sure she didnt know that her smile is being noticed. it haz been a few hours now but the moment is replaying itself over and over again....and this time i so wish i cud witness that in real instead of watching it on the canvas over which i do not have much control.

what would i do to have that moment again? to see that smile again? or shud i say what would i not do to?

the Sepulcher smiled today!

01-01-09

yup theres more, there was more!!
no further mention now....i back out again! ha ha ha


as for now....its a new year....best wishes :))