Friday, February 27, 2009


My heart goes out to people who suffer from amnesia (amongst a lotta other things). How difficult is it for a man to start all over again, leaving behind the memories - which would never be his!
Or is it not? Life's full of fuck ups and making new starts could also be easier than dealing with the past! Yeah life could be so much easier then :)

For some part of my life i wanted an escapade to leave the past behind. I shifted to another city only to realize that i can run from certain things, not from others and above all never from my own self, my own true self that finds me every night that I pretend to sleep. And i start life right from the point i leave it every night, having stopped believing in miracles that things might change overnight!

What I've realized in the recent past is that I was heard sometimes and gifted with something i asked for - a memory loss - Amnesia - something that's an integral part of me now.

Why else would i forget all the insults and ignorance i received from them, and show up at their door whenever they remember me!

Why else would i forget all the times when i asked them to be there and they never were, and still believe that they will be when i need them!

Why else would i forget, that even after saying goodbye (i do not use the word BYE or GOODBYE, just use it once), i still greeted them or their calls with the same smiling face!

Why else would i forget all the times that i've asked and promised myself to go into my hiding, yet come out here to express myself!!

Amnesia gives me a little hope of being a better being ..... but it kills me softly .... keeps killing me .... softly .... everyday......everytime!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Wrestler

Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?
If you've ever seen a one trick pony then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making its way down the street?
If you've ever seen a one-legged dog then you've seen me

Have you ever seen a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and wheat?
If you've ever seen that scarecrow then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at nothing but the breeze?
If you've ever seen a one-armed man then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

These things that have comforted me, I drive away
This place that is my home I cannot stay
My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to dance his way free?
If you've ever seen a one-legged man then you've seen me

Friday, February 20, 2009

crap - gift wrapped!

one of those times when u wanna write something ..... something ...... anything ..... and u stare at the screen and look at the keyboard....time n time again cuz u want ur every sentence to be more impactful than the previous one.

u write. u delete. u think. u write again. u delete again. u think more. everything thats there in ur mind shouts out loud but somewhere the coverter...the translator....has gone wrong n u cannot put it all down to words.

u feel a million things at the moment. all of a sudden u start believing in the healing power of love...but....cant write about it.....cuz uve never felt that way...n yeah even if u have.....its long forgotten for u to remember what it was like!

u dun wanna be dark all over again.....but wanna think and write something thats bright....something that brings a smile.....anything that makes u smile! U stop. U think. U write. U delete. U think more. back to the same cycle!

u spend 3 hours, not willing to give up!

aaaaah....finally time for drinks....makes u smile cuz u knw that words wud just flow in a while ...... feelings wud find their way ..... mind wud be clearer (or not so clear but ud care less)....but no.....u dun want a dark influence cuz it wud be when u r a few drinks down! the tru self is revealed.....what do u have within? a cheerful persona who wants to see others smile? make others happy? sheer crap!
wheres ur will to smile? wheres ur will to be happy? wheres ur will??

its turning a lil dark!
u still dun wanna give up.

u r a pessimist.....trying to be an optimist.....!!
optimism elevates the level....n u wanna drink.....cuz u know it wont affect u....u know ud be what u r....ud still end up writing what u wanted to. something thats not dark. something that makes u smile!

finally u have ur first sip :)) .... needless to say that ur fucked up already .... n what fucks u up even more is that nobody cares! makes u laugh ... the kinda laugh that doesnt disturb ur facial muscles! u think. n u think more. u write. n u delete again. is it time to have ur first drink in peace?? but peace cant follow with an unsuccessful attempt to write something when u really want to! especially when its something that was asked for! a super blog post - guess that was the term used. it can only be super when 'one' cud relate to that i mean the 'one' who asked for it......n what that 'one' wud see is a blank page till now! n what that 'one' wud see is a loser who actually attempts writing something that was suposed to be a 'gift' .... asked for sarcastically (again the pessimist can only think that ways)! SORRY!

time for another drink and maybe words wud flow (if it goes on to another and another and another...) ....but that wud be cheating! so i just wanna wrap it up before that stage. i think again! (look at the usage ..... from "u" which was there to genaralize it ... it has come down to "me" to be specific ..... damn i so cannot wear a mask...even when i try hard! ... n that reminds me of something i really wanna write about - the masks people wear!) it doesnt really help.

but yeah a thought just flows.

y is it when u wanna gift someone something it never really meets the matter how hard u matter what u do! the gifted always wears a smile (or like i said "a mask") and u relieve urself of the responsibility to gift!

also just wonder.... whenever u think u havent gotten enough .... someone somewhere just tried .. maybe gave the best they cud.

its just a matter of perception ..... amongst the two....the one to gift .... n the one to receive it ..... that the rest follows!

finally i find a title for this..... n i change it to "CRAP - GIFT WRAPPED" from "CRAP"! ha ha!

(ill make up for the super blog post....really wud)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Indispensable Pain

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a mobile phone. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Friday, February 13, 2009

the drunkard

"ur at ur best when ur drunk"
"i see a human in u when ur drunk"
"i hate when ur drunk bcz thats a wrong thing. i love when ur drunk cuz u r so right then"

wellllllll....something i have heard from diff ppl....over n over again!

n no prizes for guessing um drinking.....yet on my way of getting drunk!

many say u lose urself. what i hafta say is that i find myself when um drunk!!
(ohhh this too was uttered by someone :P )

the truth about drinking....from a drunkard - "even when um drunk....i am me. i am myself, at best or worst or the same...i still am me. its just a part of me...inevitable....the true me or the masked me.... that's something even i havent been able to figure how can u??"

i still remember when i was admitted to a hospital with excessive blood loss and the doctors asked for blood.....a friend candidly replied..."no probs....i know his blood group....its RC +ve ...(for all those whu din get it RC= Royal Challenge = my x brand) .....its 2 p.m. so its easily available" ... the doctors cudnt believe what he said ....n were even more amazed how casually the dude was talking!

ha ha....but on a serious note.....what does this alcohol do after getting in the blood stream? lets not talk science cuz anyone can find it on google!

everyone has different experiences......some feel and sleep .....

some eat n puke...
some puke without eating....

some start with their non stop bakhchodi (sorry) ....

some keep a MAUN VRAT.....

some speak their heart out....

some read...

n some write

(there cud be as many things one does as there are individuals)

n better still....some start with a particular topic n drift away :P ..... lol :D serious wala serious note......does drinking change u? make u do things u dun wanna do? or makes u do things u want to but aint sure about when sober!
or brings out the buried u out,,,,cuz it needs to?
or is it that drinks take u over and prioritize fantasies over realities??

do u lose urself when drunk? or find urself??

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Sepulcher .... answers

now that so many have asked me why do i have "rotting" name from all the good names or titles i honoured living n non living things by....ha ha....i owe a reason!

the answer is simple i guess. i am one of the zillions out there, am ordinary, so i needed to have a name which is ordinary! which everyone can relate to. At first u wont agree with me. Right?
try n give it a thought.
what is a sepulcher?? so u know what it means!
now think again!!
aren't we all?

dun we all bury so much within? joys, pains, moments passed by.... ashez of memories that remain ... maybe some feelings which never found their way out....maybe tears that dried before gushing down our cheeks.....maybe words which needed to come out at a certain moment but din.......maybe those actions of feeling like hugging someone, kissing someone, slapping, kicking or shooting someone.... which eventually din happen.......maybe love, maybe name a few amongst the infinite!
dont we all have so much within ...... mostly dead now.......but lived once!

and dont we all keep filling ourselves with more....everytime....all the time?
dont we all bury so much within?

just remembered a piece of mine which i have here too....nevertheless for those who keep asking without actually reading or listening!!

As if I’m alive
A thought, not simplified
A moment, passed by
A dream, not visualized
A tear that’s dried
Wings stolen, feet tied
I don’t run, I just hide
All I have, remains inside

Made to live
Live my fears
Made to breathe
Breathe my sins
Made to smile
Smile my tears
Made to feel
Feel the pain
Made to see
See some dreams (that never come to life)

My silence screams
“What have I become?”

Hell realized
A mistake, not rectified
A sinner, not purified
A feeling, crucified
Pains humanized
A sepulcher
Sepulcher Personified

Sunday, February 1, 2009

You forgive me for liking you too much,
and i'll forgive you for not liking me enuf.
You forgive me for missing you so,
and i'll forgive you for being so cold.
You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
and i'll forgive you for not hearing it.
You forgive me for playing your games,
and i'll forgive you for toying wid my emotions.
You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
and i'll forgive you for not noticing.
You forgive me for raising you up so high,
and i'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.
You forgive me for wanting to be wid you,
and i'll forgive you for avoiding me.
You forgive me for being so pathetic,
and i'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
You forgive me for having hopes and dreamz,
and i'll forgive you for crushing them.
You forgive me for not being able to let go,
and i'll forgive you for never having latched on.


the Cancer of Me

i tried filtering myself down

i tried putting myself to the simplest of the simplest of me....n this is what i think i am!

i am like the white blood cells in you........ur protector.......or saviour.......

i develop myself as a a necesity..........maybe just because i need a home to live in......maybe cuz um a creeper looking for that wall to climb.......maybe cuz um so damn weak n need a support to hold on......maybe cuz i cannot survive alone n i need you!!

ill protect u, save u from everything..........ill be ur savior, ur healer.......all that u need.

ill make u want more n more of me...................n ill make u NEED me more n more of me.

everytime ur be there

everytime u need me ill be there all heart n soul.

n ill multiply.......ill multiply in u .......

then its like "rakshak bane bhakshak".......the saviour turning into a destroyer.......white blood cells multiplying itself.........................and becoming cancer!

u wudnt want me anymore.......u would just wanna get rid of me!!

then u hafta kill me before i kill u!!

have been many times in the past................over n over again!!

no -one ever looked on the other side.......

i can be cured too..................n not alwayz killed

looking for someone to cure me.....n not kill the already killed me!

the bestseler in the making

if minds cud speak or type themselves....everyone cud have had a bestseler...almost everyday in their lives!!!

those who can put their minds into words get the apreciation....what about those whu cant??

the smiling loser :)

the sepulcher smiled....yes it did....only to complete the circle

My shining star

the answer to urs :P

Up in the sky, a shining star
Seeming so distant, seeming afar
Throwing its aura down upon me
Its silhouette surrounds the sky bizarre

As it shines down on me
Spreading a light so heavenly
I look at it and smile
I just wanna be with it for a while

As I stare at it
Its white blind light,
Envelops me
All I see, is just a fantasy

I long for wings so that I could fly
Wanna reach out for it, wanna touch the sky
I jump out of the window, I wanna get closer
And fall on the ground, as always a loser

Broken and shattered, I face the reality
The star shines down, but not on me
I wanna run, I wanna flee
I wanna hide, the light hurts me
Just can’t escape, can’t break free.

The star still shines bright
It still scatters its heavenly light
Its distant, its afar
It smiles at me
It makes me live a fantasy

Sitting by the window staring into horizon
I wonder about my shining little star
My heart aches when it realizes the truth
It never needed me, we are too far.