crap - gift wrapped!

one of those times when u wanna write something ..... something ...... anything ..... and u stare at the screen and look at the keyboard....time n time again cuz u want ur every sentence to be more impactful than the previous one.

u write. u delete. u think. u write again. u delete again. u think more. everything thats there in ur mind shouts out loud but somewhere the coverter...the translator....has gone wrong n u cannot put it all down to words.

u feel a million things at the moment. all of a sudden u start believing in the healing power of love...but....cant write about it.....cuz uve never felt that way...n yeah even if u have.....its long forgotten for u to remember what it was like!

u dun wanna be dark all over again.....but wanna think and write something thats bright....something that brings a smile.....anything that makes u smile! U stop. U think. U write. U delete. U think more. back to the same cycle!

u spend 3 hours, not willing to give up!

aaaaah....finally time for drinks....makes u smile cuz u knw that words wud just flow in a while ...... feelings wud find their way ..... mind wud be clearer (or not so clear but ud care less)....but no.....u dun want a dark influence cuz it wud be when u r a few drinks down! the tru self is revealed.....what do u have within? a cheerful persona who wants to see others smile? make others happy? sheer crap!
wheres ur will to smile? wheres ur will to be happy? wheres ur will??

its turning a lil dark!
u still dun wanna give up.

u r a pessimist.....trying to be an optimist.....!!
optimism elevates the level....n u wanna drink.....cuz u know it wont affect u....u know ud be what u r....ud still end up writing what u wanted to. something thats not dark. something that makes u smile!

finally u have ur first sip :)) .... needless to say that ur fucked up already .... n what fucks u up even more is that nobody cares! makes u laugh ... the kinda laugh that doesnt disturb ur facial muscles! u think. n u think more. u write. n u delete again. is it time to have ur first drink in peace?? but peace cant follow with an unsuccessful attempt to write something when u really want to! especially when its something that was asked for! a super blog post - guess that was the term used. it can only be super when 'one' cud relate to it......by that i mean the 'one' who asked for it......n what that 'one' wud see is a blank page till now! n what that 'one' wud see is a loser who actually attempts writing something that was suposed to be a 'gift' .... asked for sarcastically (again the pessimist can only think that ways)! SORRY!

time for another drink and maybe words wud flow (if it goes on to another and another and another...) ....but that wud be cheating! so i just wanna wrap it up before that stage. i think again! (look at the usage ..... from "u" which was there to genaralize it ... it has come down to "me" to be specific ..... damn i so cannot wear a mask...even when i try hard! ... n that reminds me of something i really wanna write about - the masks people wear!) it doesnt really help.

but yeah a thought just flows.

y is it when u wanna gift someone something it never really meets the expectation......no matter how hard u try....no matter what u do! the gifted always wears a smile (or like i said "a mask") and u relieve urself of the responsibility to gift!

also just wonder.... whenever u think u havent gotten enough .... someone somewhere just tried .. maybe gave the best they cud.

its just a matter of perception ..... amongst the two....the one to gift .... n the one to receive it ..... that the rest follows!

finally i find a title for this..... n i change it to "CRAP - GIFT WRAPPED" from "CRAP"! ha ha!


(ill make up for the super blog post....really wud)