Wednesday, June 10, 2009

........

Woke up with a heavy head....and eyes din wanna wake up to reality.....woke up with a feeling of loneliness - after a long time i woke up that way! woke up as if I've lost something .... woke up as if its a new begining ..... woke up like it wasnt me!
what a yesterday it was!

The first thing i do, always do ... is to pick my phone up and see the time ..... or to check for any msgs or calls and most importantly msgs i had sent the previous night ..... but i din have the courage to look at it...at least then. for except the bad dream i had...or should i say a few bad dreams i had at night ...... i remembered exactly what else had happened. i wasnt sure whether i had killed a long period of wait or had begun an endless wait for myself. whatever hapened shudnt have hapened for sure....or maybe shud have hapened long long ago .... or sometimes in the future ..... that was perhaps the worst of times ..... i dont know.....i dont know anything now .... kinda lost it!

after 3-4 months of staying away from everything.....n making myself believe that ill be a diferent person soon .... i slipped again.

and now this familiar smell of the mud...familiar sound of the raindrops.....familiar sight of it too!! when will my little miracle leave me?? just when i do not want to believe in them.....this little miracle chases me ..... right from the time when i once lied to hide my tears, way way way back ..... i never realised someone heard me ..... and gifted me....or cursed me with it!

i see so many people online...none i can talk to anymore......a phone full of numbers....none i can call........its back to just me again. guess in my quest of finding answers....i am writing them myself so that in the end when i do not find them...i do not blame anything else but ME!

starting again from that familiar territory scares me ...... cuz now i have a career in hands....a career that i have already put in the ditch...... I need to rise...but I do not see myself rising anytime soon now. I can so easily rectify yesterday, wash it all away ..... but that would be a lie and i cannot live with it for the rest of my life! n maybe whatever i rectify would again be faced soon ... cuz guess thats how things were suposed to end ... an ending that gave way to a not so good begining ... an ending that gave way for a never ending wait!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

may angels lead u in

converting youtube file from vixy....cant get any audio :((

a big thank u to all of u ..... all of u who r here, not here, were never there, will always be .... even when im not around :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdFOAMNs4vI


There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Better Man

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man video

Monday, June 8, 2009

the story begins :)

in quest of my answers....answers i never had.....even while those questions torture my non - existent , drunk, intolerable mind!

i found a way to simplify it all. how about putting every subject in my life as a chapter....with my questions....and to the answers i did find out....and the questions to which i am still looking to be answered! ... pardon me for grammatical mistakes :P
worse...i do not even want to correct it....just wanna go with the flow :P


its too tempting to put down chapter one right now...cuz without me starting it...i wont write the whole book!!.... but no. i want to be clear of what exactly i want! i kinda am now. i will try to be as truthful as possible. pardon me for my memory losses that i have had. pardon me for just telling the story from my side....but ill try and analyze it to my best possible level what might have been going on the other end as well. but i promise...i will be true. people might hate me and make perceptions about me....but do i care? lol. .... one reason y THEY dun like me cuz i never cared (they were so wrong!).

but i think i wud spare my friends from this....by that i mean...the handful i have. i love them....so what if i do not like them at times...i still love them :)

my quest begins.....quest for the answers i never found! maybe someday....some day..... some fucking day .... i find the answers....and turn out to be a better man!

amen

Friday, June 5, 2009

Strange are Strangers ... at least me!

It was only when i felt something warm at the corner of my eye, i pushed the lazy me outta bed at 4:30 a.m.....cuz i needed to talk....and what better place to :)
The only thing I dont know is WHY! or WHAT!

I am still as speechless....as mindless and as thoughtless as i was uptil a few hours ago.

Yesterday started as any other normal day...and ended the same way too...but something in between has been a part of me .... and wil be for some more time to come.

lets recall the day in brief....catching Haathi online and he asking me names of girls he can hit on (that was funny) and telling geting in tuch with his ex-love that very moment....and surprisingly my ex-flame coming online after ages...and a little convo with her online....of course she not bothering a bit to talk....and yeah a compliment that i looked good in my bro's wedding pics (of course i did :P )...what was surprising was she saw it on my bhabhi's profile....even she is added in her list...not me!! haha..was weird...especially after u know u have been separated for 6 years now...and how the hell she knows my bhabhi?? lol ... ok must have been through my brother with whom she has been in tuch via the internet.... but she is one topic i do not discuss with anyone...so lets end here.

spending some time online....trying to write something but somehow...just diverting mind into something else...coming across a blog which rattled me...enough not being able to write or comment anything in there......and of course handling a little work from home :)

a movie....a couple of relatives.....friends coming over in the evening ..... drinks ... dinner. Online chats...funny and weird ones.....especially when u take a couple of people off ur list for no reasons...or yeah minute reasons...lol...that was funny and um sure she still wonders why...hehehehe. But thats just me....at my best...at my worst...at par with myself when um drunk!! Just another day...time to sleep....its a good thing to sleep by 12 when u have an important early morning meeting in office....office which is 50 kms away!

but it was only when i hit the bed...things started hitting me...or should i say...something started hitting me hard. In the recent past I've ben trying to keep myself away from other people miseries...i try to spare them from the unwanted love and care that i shower on them...basically try not to make a fool of myself by being their mommy-daddy all the time.....but guess this time...i felt some pain....someone else's pain within me.... A pain i saw....cud never evaluate the extent though...a pain i felt...but of course me feeling it hardly matters....ana a pain i read today...a pain that has kept me up since the time i hit bed....a pain that reflected in that lil drop of tear that somehow escaped my eyes and pushed me outta bed!

she always seems so calm...so in control of self.....so into ur troubles...even while her personal life was breaking into pieces all this while. of course u cant expect an absolute stranger to open her book of life in fronta u .... but in a way she did .... she did open her blog :)

i do not know u....but i always tried striking a conversation without even knowing how to start talking about U! every post..post after post i knew its gonna happen...but i din know from where to start...what to say...how to be there (especially when i wasnt even needed)...so basically i tried making a fool of myself....but thanks to u that our convo's just stayed limited to me...or around some stupid ideas of promoting ur brand.

i have always been there for ppl to make them smile....cheer them up while i was burying down lots within...somehow seeing ppl around u happy gives u a hapiness beyond ur imagination...and thats where my hapiness lies in..has been for a long time now..in fact been the only hapiness ive known for all this while....but today i realised the kinda mortal i am....

it is rather weird to feel this way....the worst not being able to tell that i actually care (no matter how weird that sounds) .... but in a way i just did!! (wasnt intentional...i just realised i did!)

i so wanted to talk...actually talk wthout knowing what to..just wanted to talk.


and i still do not know what to say...what to write!!

hats off to the person u r....to the stregth u possess ..... to the beautiful soul u r .....
all wud be ok soon ..... n like once a wise person told me rather commented on my post ----- its only after the darkest night that lies the brightest morn!

so much more to say.....just do not know what to!

take care..... :)