........

Woke up with a heavy head....and eyes din wanna wake up to reality.....woke up with a feeling of loneliness - after a long time i woke up that way! woke up as if I've lost something .... woke up as if its a new begining ..... woke up like it wasnt me!
what a yesterday it was!

The first thing i do, always do ... is to pick my phone up and see the time ..... or to check for any msgs or calls and most importantly msgs i had sent the previous night ..... but i din have the courage to look at it...at least then. for except the bad dream i had...or should i say a few bad dreams i had at night ...... i remembered exactly what else had happened. i wasnt sure whether i had killed a long period of wait or had begun an endless wait for myself. whatever hapened shudnt have hapened for sure....or maybe shud have hapened long long ago .... or sometimes in the future ..... that was perhaps the worst of times ..... i dont know.....i dont know anything now .... kinda lost it!

after 3-4 months of staying away from everything.....n making myself believe that ill be a diferent person soon .... i slipped again.

and now this familiar smell of the mud...familiar sound of the raindrops.....familiar sight of it too!! when will my little miracle leave me?? just when i do not want to believe in them.....this little miracle chases me ..... right from the time when i once lied to hide my tears, way way way back ..... i never realised someone heard me ..... and gifted me....or cursed me with it!

i see so many people online...none i can talk to anymore......a phone full of numbers....none i can call........its back to just me again. guess in my quest of finding answers....i am writing them myself so that in the end when i do not find them...i do not blame anything else but ME!

starting again from that familiar territory scares me ...... cuz now i have a career in hands....a career that i have already put in the ditch...... I need to rise...but I do not see myself rising anytime soon now. I can so easily rectify yesterday, wash it all away ..... but that would be a lie and i cannot live with it for the rest of my life! n maybe whatever i rectify would again be faced soon ... cuz guess thats how things were suposed to end ... an ending that gave way to a not so good begining ... an ending that gave way for a never ending wait!