Wednesday, July 30, 2008

do i lie here? or do i lie??

so thats a question i m looking for an answer to!

i mean amongst millions other!!

shud i lie here in peace.....or lie and live in peace??

are u in the eyes yet??

u join a big organisation at a position thats the bottom most of the food chain - dude, either u work ur ass off and that too repeatedly, n even more, to bring out results that are far more that can be expected by you, raising the level of expectation everytime, n delivering even more over n over n over again to be in the eyes and to grow faster than others around u.

i know u cant be that damn good to be in the eyes of those who matter. but do u have the guts to be in teh eys for the wrong reasons?? its easier.
do the "prohibited" stuff and when cauht.....back it up with soem good work!

ud be in the eyes.......

got the guts??

need lessons??


Tuesday, July 29, 2008


so there i go again....
laying everything on the line for a stranger......exactly the way i have been doing all this while!
i dunno how much will i be hurt this time.......but isnt that something that destiny has chosen for me??
destiny.....i dun believe it....its making me believe itself!

strange a poem is coming to life!

all i wanna know...if it is....what stage um i in right now?
how much more will it take to get buried in that self made grave of mine.
when will i finally close my eyes and myself to the rest of them??

another time.
another pain.
another loss.

n i still smile!!

how i hate myself :)

Monday, July 28, 2008

back :)

when nothing seems right.....i land up here!
thankfully i have something to bank upon!

words have lost the essence, feelings have never mattered, love has alwayz gone down the drain, care has been taken for granted ......... and i as whoel have alwayz been ignored :)
makes me smile
and i smile my best smile when um in the greatest of pains!

my words have dried up. my soul has escaped.
so wanna write down so much.....but whn i sit in front of the idiot turns out everythings so damn personal to make it public.

but again....i need to out stuff......where?? with whom??

i rescue my just typind random stuff after getting a little high....on drinks .... or on emotions......i walk this lonely road.....lonely......cuz no one visits it....n thankfully so!

one day ... one fine day ill read all that iv written down here....n remember the old dayz :)

one fine day!

Monday, July 21, 2008


from poetry to writing random and simplified stuff.......
dunno what next!!!!!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

surrounded by angels!

what more can a human ask for when he is surounded by angels!
angels he can see....angels he can hear.......angels he can talk to!!

but thats when the worst nightmare come strue.....after promising that wonderful life.....angels just disapear!
even if u have that wonderful life with ya......u dun have the ones who promised u so!

o y not cherish the moments u r with them....when u see them.....hear to them....or just feel them!
i just felt one.......a stranger.....but her name tells me that she is one for me!!

the first time we had an interaction....not really but yeah quite so......brought a smile to my face.......she cannot be anything less than an agel for sure........not everyone bring a smile to me!!

thanks .... whoever u r!!



hell is just a phase of life......sweeter than heaven for sure!
makes u value life...n hapiness....n that ordinary life is so much better!

but time stands still.....moments dun seem to cruise.......i wait here in hell......just to learn...just to wait.....wait for an ordinary life that i cud live!

an ordinary mite just seem like heaven!!

luck raised hell
hell raised luck!

what do i do?

u hate lies. u hate pretentions. u hate fakeness. u hate hypocrisy!
well be ready to hate the world!
truth is bitter. i call it sweet. at least it doesnt leave its taste forever!

i wont presume about lies made to me....i wont comment about peole being pretentious....maybe thats only in my thoughts.......but how can i ignore facts??

my heart reaches out for her when i talk to myself........when i can see the transparent her in my aches even more when i place teh facts on the table!

heart vs mind is a great one like......agasi vs sampras ...... federer vs nadal..........tendulkar vs lara..........cena vs triple H...............austin vs teh rock...........but for sure much more comlicated than those......
u at least have a winner in those what u have is....a temporary one! with no clar signs of one winning over the other!

talking to myself to make things clear is something i have been doing for a long time....anticipating that a word with her help........but that doesnt happen....doesnt seem to happen.....i lose my words when i talk to her...that is when i get to!

one sweet coversation will clear it all......set it right.......but thats too mu to ask for!!

heart vs mind......i wud let them fight....and start a new life!!

god bless!!

even achiles cried!

being an immortal is the greatest fear i can have!
to live forever.....n to see people u care for and leave for sure isnt a good sight!
even if ur a man of steel......or iron....or diamond.....or even titanium.......ull break after day....year after year......person after person! maybe one day it will stop bothering u ....... but it will repeat itself again!

achiles cried......yes he did....mayeb he is just mythologcal character who influeneces me a lot...enough to make me believe that he was / is a taurian! all the searches have gone down in vain to find more about him!
he was almost immortal.......and he cried too! and he cried when someone so dear left him!

dun superheroes cry? they do! everyone does!
but crying isnt the same to everyone!

someone cries in pain....someone in vain......and there are a few who cry when they are happy!
errr....i sound wierd.....but um being true!
teh tears of hapiness....not just because they make u cry......because u know that they would make u cry soon.......are another great fear i possess!
wierd.....thats what i may seem to be!

um just ordinary!
as ordinary as anyone of amongst these extra ordinary people........searching for my kind!


Sunday, July 13, 2008

a piece of him

He never felt a thing while he walked away the last time. He wasn’t sure whether that’s a good thing or bad. Some thought it’s a good thing, but deep within he knew it can’t be!
He knew longer days await him. But like everyone always says – he has been a fighter, not merely a warrior but a survivor as well. He would see through this with ease, not initially but over a period of time. What they didn’t know was, this time he doesn’t want to! He wants to keep scratching his own wounds, if others don’t do it, so that he still feels the same pain he did, or maybe even more. He wanted them to stay fresh forever and he had find ways to do it. This time he wasn’t vanishing because he wanted to feel the pain of being very much there but being treated as invisible, as someone who doesn’t exist, as someone not cared for. He loves this feeling so much.
He knows he is not one of those charming guys, but there has to be someone, maybe just one in the whole wide world who could love him! Who would love him. He smiles whenever he gets this feeling down his nerves. He smiles whenever in pain.

All of a sudden he had too much time in his hands and he didn’t know how to utilize it. Maybe he could sell some of it to someone without asking for a price. All he felt was wasted, ignored, hated! He wanted to fill himself with some of those feelings but was never able to.

He still feared that one thing he anticipated for the most. That one call. That one call of hers. How much he has been waiting for it. How much he wants her not to call!

Soon enough he started not finding all the comfort he used to with strangers. And with people of the past! He didn’t know what to talk to them. His conversations became shorter and shorter. His words were drying up soon. Good signs for him. He wants them to dry up completely. He wanted to be in the territory he loves the most. Silent. Silent without people asking him why he is, because no one would care to! And even if someone does, the answers wouldn’t flow out of him.

Inspite of all the mix responses he give, the truth remained – he was missing her.
Whenever he did and had a chance to read their last conversation, he did, only to feel more pain! Maybe she wasn’t herself when she said or wrote all that. Maybe she was in a bad bad bad mood. Maybe she had too much already going in her life that she took it all out on the person who was amongst the closest only to feel better, maybe it was a result of all the talks he used to give her, maybe he forced her to say all that, maybe a zillion of other reasons…………..the fact remains………..she never called him back, when she should have. She was the one to repeatedly say that misunderstandings should be cleared as n when they arise, and he always, like an obedient human, did that! But this time he waited for her. And well, maybe it was too late in the day to call and talk about things that have gone by. But he still wishes maybe once she did. For once she did. For once, when it would have mattered the most to him!


he was filled with anger. the angry yound buy who started controlling his anger once is facing the ripercusions. the anger has to evacuate him in some way or the other. the but the way was wrong! shouting at family members is something he never wanted to do but the supressed anger in him meets the reasons (for which he controlled himself earlier) to errupt out a part of him.
all this led to that hatred for himself to fill him up too!
anger + hatred - bad combo! especially if its for the ones u love, the ones u care for and above all for ur ownself!

he seems to be as calm as the pacific......maybe thats y they say "u cant judge a book by its cover" , "looks can be deceptive" and many other things.

maybe all he needed was to talk things out. would have helped him. but what was more important was talking it out the the right people! the right people never bothered. maybe not that they werent but never made any attempt to themselves. all they had were words.......and how he used to belive theose words and thought he was the luckiest of all to have them!!

he started finding his comfort in strangers. absolute strangers. and talked some of himself to them. yeah it did help him. but what mattered more to him were those hugs to calm him down. that touch to make him beleive that they were for real. those hands to hold his. he couldnt have all that with strngers he found over the internet!

he had died over n over again within. he knows he can do it again. but this time it was a little different for him. the chapter wasnt yet over. he has to find an ending to it. an ending he doesnt wanna write. he doesnt know whether to put this one without it.......or to make a definite ending......bear the consequences....hate himself......and let time heal the rest!
he doesnt know what to do!
he is hating himself already!

all he does it smile!

he gives his best of smiles in the greatest of pains!!
maybe thats y they say - he is alwayz smiling!!

and may he always does!


Saturday, July 12, 2008

dreams part 2

if dreams guide u to where u wanna be.....ud be nowhere!
a hard fact to digest!
u dun control ur dreams.....i mean not the ones u dream at night!
they scrae u, make u smile, make u laugh, make u cry, make y fret, make u die! make u believe, make u see, make u realise........but the truth is......just after u have spent moments in the real world......u leave those dreams behind and live the reality!!

i so dun wanna believe it....but some dreams are to stay!
they haunt ya night after night......they haunt ya with the hapiness that they bring in every night..........they haunt ya because when u wake up....u wake up in vacuum!
swoooooosh.....everythings gone!
u wanna dream more!
u wanna sleep more!
u just wanna live a life full of dreams.....cuz the real world can never give ya what u had moments back!!

dreams......they can make u happy........thay can kill u!

dreams........all that i have!
dreams......all that i cherish!
dreams......................................................all that u gave me!!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

a piece of his life

his love was as true as it was transparent.....and selfless!
it showed that he love her.......he never asked for anything else than to spend some precious moments with her. he never expected her to love him......or even like him.....or anything.
all that mattered to him was her smile. seeing her happy. all that mattered to him was HER!

he din do things to get things in return. he did it cuz he wanted to, cuz he knew it wud bring a smile to her, make her happy! if he had to drive fro hours only to see her smile for seconds.....he would do that and consider himself as the luckiest person on the planet to have seen her beautiful smile!

she tuk it all wrong. he kept all he had within.
of all the times he was hurt. n he will kep it within himself forever. he was good at that. he was happy to see her in his dreams.

what she din know was......he doesnt have much time! n he never told her. neither did he made common friends.....he feared she mite know it all!
sympathy was the last thing he ever wanted.

what wud hurt him forever. she would never know how much he loved her.
not even after he leaves.
but his love would stay....he would still dream of her....wether in heaven or hell.
he loves her. it shows!

one last goodbye!

How I needed you
How I grieve now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone

I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way

Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away

And my being
In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real

I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love

And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
Oh I wish,
I wish you could have stayed

a day of songs

well......songs....everyone manages to find one for the moment!
no matter what mood....circumstance....or where u r.....theres one made just for u!!
today while lazing around in office.........a few songs played......they were there in the list but i never really heard them in a long long time!!
but when they started........the feeling was WOW!
ight from limp bizkits faith to n syncs its gonna me too many were lined up according to the way i was feeling!!

and then finally last kiss by pearl jam

oh where oh where would my baby be
the lord tuk her away from me
shes gone to heaven so i gotto be good
so i can see my baby when i leave this world!!

guess i gotta be good.....wanna see her :)

the cancer of me!

i tried filtering myself downi tried putting myself to the simplest of the simplest of me....n this is what i think i am!i am like the white blood cells in you........ur protector.......or saviour.......i develop myself as a a necesity..........maybe just because i need a home to live in......maybe cuz um a creeper looking for that wall to climb.......maybe cuz um so damn weak n need a support to hold on......maybe cuz i cannot survive alone n i need you!!ill protect u, save u from everything..........ill be ur savior, ur healer.......all that u need.ill make u want more n more of me...................n ill make u NEED me more n more of me.everytime ur be thereeverytime u need me ill be there all heart n soul.n ill multiply.......ill multiply in u .......then its like "rakshak bane bhakshak".......the saviour turning into a destroyer.......white blood cells multiplying itself.........................and becoming cancer!u wudnt want me anymore.......u would just wanna get rid of me!!then u hafta kill me before i kill u!!have been many times in the past................over n over again!!no -one ever looked on the other side.......i can be cured too..................n not alwayz killedlooking for someone to cure me.....n not kill the already killed me!is there anyone out there?is there anyone in whom i can live, be cured and stay forever??is there anyone who can take me for what i am.....cure me n live with me....or die with me??are you?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

its a hard time figuring out wether the character of ur novel is turning out to be u?

or u r changing into th echaracter u reallly wanna write about!

facts supposrt both the sides of the coin.

an incident today reminded me of the past again.......or was it past living once again!

5 dayz - and u coming face to face with 4 incidents that occured in the past......4 major ones.....!!

at this pace it will overpower me for sure!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008


he loved her blindfoldedly and it showed!!
he wasnt the one to make big promises....or to get the stars or teh sun or the moon from the skies for her........he was practical.
neither did he promised big things.......he believed in doing rather than talking about it.
what a pity......he knew that it will all end up with him walkig in the rains........but he never cared.
what made his love special was.......that it was selfless.
if there was anything he ever asked for was her smile......for some precious moments (for him) to be spent together....for her hapiness.....
he was willing to walk the rest of his life in the rain for that.......
and that too hapily!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Tears don’t fall
Neither do they subside
It hurts to death
Keeping it all inside
No matter where you run
You will never be able to hide
One day you’ll lose it all
Love, hate, respect and pride!
When you’ll look around
With eyes that have dried
Even your shadow will tremble
To be by your side
The greatest of love has never lived
It has always died!!

Expect the worst and be prepared for the best!

Expect the worst and be prepared for the best!

No wonder people call me a pessimist and an introvert too. Maybe I’m right in saying that the prison that captivates me is that of my own. I do not contradict any statement made about me. Its just a matter of perception.

Expecting the worst doesn’t make me a different person, at least not for my ownself, maybe cuz that’s what I have been getting mostly. After all expectations should be a function of practicality to some extent!
But there’s a ray of silver lining in my dark world too.

Be prepared for the best!
Yeah. Sometimes it’s not so easy to digest the best things in life. In my case, HAPINESS!
When I have received a bit of it, I blew it over proportions, magnified it to the max, maybe pixilated it enough for it to blur and vanish eventually!

Yeah I was at fault. I should have prepared myself for the unexpected happiness to come my way. Maybe I’ll learn, soon enough.

ashez of a memory

21/11/2001 - “Saurabh, I need a guy who loves me and love is quite far away from u!”

how these words kept echoing in my head all thru the night!!

22/11/2001 – “love isn’t far away from me, im away from love!”

and um sure these words echoed in hers as well!!

And I was a different man from that day.
Maybe I found someone who loved me, maybe I found someone to love, maybe I was wrong!

3rd of june 2003 – the end of the beginning….or the beginning of an end! Those words started losing their meaning and so did everything.

I guess I was wrong….something that had never happened to me before… image of being purfct just shattered in front of my ownself!

She was right. Love went away from me. And has been ever since then!


whatta dream i had.....
met total strangers........and um still wondering where have i met them!
i saw tears, felt kisses, hugs.......hands in hands.......and well........i was in between reality.

i dreamt in my dreams......all a reality.......but all just for a while!

woke up and slept again for the dream to continue....and it did!!

woke up again.....and slept for it to continue.....but it din.......but another one.....was no diiferent!

how strangers in ur dreams come n change a day for u......

they din end at a high note for me.......i saw someone cry.......and someone just leaving even when she din want to........but those dreams surely brought a cheer to me.

now only dreams bring that smile.......

thanks to my a happy person today :)


whatta dream i had.....
met total strangers........and um still wondering where have i met them!
i saw tears, felt kisses, hugs.......hands in hands.......and well........i was in between reality.

i dreamt in my dreams......all a reality.......but all just for a while!

woke up and slept again for the dream to continue....and it did!!

woke up again.....and slept for it to continue.....but it din.......but another one.....was no diiferent!

how strangers in ur dreams come n change a day for u......

they din end at a high note for me.......i saw someone cry.......and someone just leaving even when she din want to........but those dreams surely brought a cheer to me.

now only dreams bring that smile.......

thanks to my a happy person today :)