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he was filled with anger. the angry yound buy who started controlling his anger once is facing the ripercusions. the anger has to evacuate him in some way or the other. the but the way was wrong! shouting at family members is something he never wanted to do but the supressed anger in him meets the reasons (for which he controlled himself earlier) to errupt out a part of him.
all this led to that hatred for himself to fill him up too!
anger + hatred - bad combo! especially if its for the ones u love, the ones u care for and above all for ur ownself!

he seems to be as calm as the pacific......maybe thats y they say "u cant judge a book by its cover" , "looks can be deceptive" and many other things.

maybe all he needed was to talk things out. would have helped him. but what was more important was talking it out the the right people! the right people never bothered. maybe not that they werent but never made any attempt to themselves. all they had were words.......and how he used to belive theose words and thought he was the luckiest of all to have them!!

he started finding his comfort in strangers. absolute strangers. and talked some of himself to them. yeah it did help him. but what mattered more to him were those hugs to calm him down. that touch to make him beleive that they were for real. those hands to hold his. he couldnt have all that with strngers he found over the internet!

he had died over n over again within. he knows he can do it again. but this time it was a little different for him. the chapter wasnt yet over. he has to find an ending to it. an ending he doesnt wanna write. he doesnt know whether to put this one without it.......or to make a definite ending......bear the consequences....hate himself......and let time heal the rest!
he doesnt know what to do!
he is hating himself already!

all he does it smile!

he gives his best of smiles in the greatest of pains!!
maybe thats y they say - he is alwayz smiling!!

and may he always does!

AMEN