contd

and like i said ...... i got more to add!
lemme get over with the day....cuz um sure theres more to come!

why im writing this down here....so that i dun back out of writing this time!

outts sight...not outta mind!

It was when the courier man told me that my courier will get delivered only on the 31^st that I realized that the end of a year can be of some significance! What better way to end this year with the person who kinda started it for me in the first place!

For the first time I actually looked back at the whole of it, remembered how BIG it has been yet how soon it is abut to end.

For the first time it makes me think, makes me write about it. Now that I think of summing it up in words, well a tuf deal for me…’the tuf taurian’ (felt so nice when I was once again referred to by this name after years).

A year in which I traveled the most, met the max number of people that left reasons to remember them all my life!

Begins like any other year, can’t remember anything significant bout it starting a diff way!

Then well, comes my first film (ad film), unfortunately being shot in Mumbai (not that I mind that time) instead of being shot in NY or Goa because of budget issues (my script mentioned NY, lol). Couldn’t go for the shoot though. No probs.

Then not long before I step at the Mumbai airport again (feb) for a recording with none other than SRK…a recording that BOTH of us would remember all our lives. He hates me for sure, lol, and he has reasons to…after all I was teaching him how to do what he excels at! But stepping in Mumbai after over 8 months that I left the place reminded me of my time spent there and also about how much I wanted to be there (just for trips).

My brothers accident (the famous or non famous, 24^th feb, India gate, drunken driving case, skoda car accident that KILLED 2 of our friends, my brother surviving – the co passenger)

A surprise call from a stranger that kinda changed the year for me. Barely talked to her over the net (just been like a few dayz, and that too a normal convo on and off), called after she got to know bout my brother…the very first time that we spoke! N then met and then I started seeing myself smiling, dunno after how much time!

And well then trips to Mumbai for work kept happening J

Trip to mussorie (this time not a bike but a car)

Someone returning from Mumbai for good (hopefully)

My little miracle chasing me throughout the year!!!!

My birthday (may), especially someone forgetting it, lol, but then celebrating it in a special way, the best I have ever had!

Biking trip to spiti. Couldn’t complete the whole circle though for the second time L

(delhi – chdgrh – manali – rohtang – lahaul & spiti (kaza) – tabo – naco - - - rampur – kinnor – narkanda – simla – chdgrh – delhi). Returned from spiti (even before we reached kaza)

Her birthday (july). Going for her birthday party just to see her happy (like she said) and that being the last time I ever saw her (till now).

Having my first photo shoot for a book cover, lol. Unfortunately it was put on the backpage with a reduced size, it being controversial.

Delhi blasts and having a close shave. She being in GK when they happened and of course talking to her after quite some time!

Finding a new friend in someone (it’s a big thing for a introverted pessimist) who could very well turn out to be just a colleague…or an x colleague! Nevertheless they cant avoid me feeling ignored!

Finding a new friend in someone….with whom I feel so comfortable…i.e. whenever we talk or meet (rarely we do). Nevertheless they can’t avoid me feeling ignored!

Going to Mumbai for shooting my film (ad) for the first time!

A trip to Ranthambore (my first to a national park).

A police case against me (my first, lol, nevertheless got sorted out)

Finally quitting JWT!

Biking trip to badrinath (via rishikesh and back via ranikhet, nainital) and an article that I have written about it to be published in a newspaper.

For the first time in 5 years….my so called miracle separating from me (and that too not in absolute light!)

And well….she wanting ‘the zoya factor’ and I sending it to her along with her autographed tissue, ha ha ha, which she will receive on the 31^st!

And above all……ending the year with a hope that the next year will bring me good luck…ending it on an optimistic note…big thing for a pessimist!

Woaaaah!!

Inspite of skipping a lot, I gotta list!!

new year .... 2009....what i am seeing in it is the big 9!! being my number. will bring me lots this time :))

still a day and a half to go......and um sure ill come back adding it a bit more :)

things would change from now on. they would for sure cuz i want them to this time!

best wishes to everyone :)

journey of a dream

how far can a dream travel?
as far as we want it to?
or it goes beyond??

why do we call the same dream a dream one day...and a nightmare the other?
what makes us more happy - a happy dream and waking up to reality? or a bad one and waking up to a better life?

why do dreams scare us? why do they make us smile?

what are dreams in the first place? what are they comprised of?

if dreams are made up of our lives and our thoughts....y do i see strangers there??

are dreams a reality that we cudnt accomplish....or a reality we want to?

how far can a dream travel? beyond us? beyond them? beyond everyone?
can it?

:) :( :) :(

where do we go when we just dont know?

and how do we re-light the flame when its cold?

why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?

and when will we learn to control?

:)

i just realized that its been like forever that i entered here!
my last post being on 1st of november, ha ha.

55 dayz - dunno wether um waking up from a dream - or just starting one now!

is waking up from one as bad as going into one??

dunno - still looking for answers .... but yeah ... very soon .... i wont leave myself with questions to haunt me!

the chapters are being written in full now.

um using full stops instead of commas.

no hanging ends, no maybe's, no entangled complications - pure facts dealt!

......

y do we stare what we just need to see?
or just touch what we need to caress?
or maybe hold what we need to let go?
or wish what we just can dream!

sepulchre

what? why? where? how?
only IF ...... only if i had the answers ....... only if i asked the questions ....... only if it was all heard ....... only if it all was a dream .............. the sepulchre wud have never existed!

not dark yet.....

I was born here and I'll die here against my will
I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can't even remember what it was
I came here to get away from
Don't even hear a murmur of a prayer
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

life@life

my life hs alwayz been about things i never did.....things i never said......things i never showed!
about things they never saw....things they never felt.....things they never heard.
theres so much more i could have been....theres so much more i should have been!

truth again

no wonder what u do for them......no matter how much love u give them.....no matter how much care u shower.......ull always get ignorance back from them.....ull alwayz be taken for granted......ull always find urself alone.....not just when u keep it all within silently......but even when when u shout out for them.
it will just be u......everyones the same....they just have different names!
u were and will always be....ur only friend!

I'll never find anyone to replace you

Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time

Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer

And all my friends said I was high

But everything we've ever known's here

I never wanted it to die

walk on!

i came face to face with the real world today!
came face to face with the selfish world!

not that i havent earlier....but today was special....just like alwayz :p ... ha ha


to start with...i will recall a dialogue from hancock.....something i modified and used....but unlike movies...i got a rude reply....maybe she misunderstood....maybe i used the wrong words....maybe....she just wants to push me away.....no matter what the reason is.....i think i have been and i am being! and i will :) ... wud just play my part ...will make sure i play it well ... no matter how much i get hurt .... after all it was her smile that made me smile for quite some time .... n if i use the right words at the right time ... maybe her smile would still bring a smile to me as long as i see her smile! so wanted to speak to her.......but.....as always......

"i wonder how bad my timing is..........but everytime!" .... she could never get what i meant ... n she wont :)

and what about an unanswered call (s) .... un replied message(s) .... till the time i had to explain that it wasnt for me but for her! n not the first time that i saw it!
cant blame her. only i am to. who am i to her? practically - NOONE! or to give myself some consolation...an internet friend....a phone friend maybe.....a friend..i doubt :)

but um still a fool to just close my eyes.....let it all go......dont get hurt....only to hurt myself even more!

i can see the end.....its near.....have given up before it actually gets over!

a quitter never wins! .... i had never quit before.....but did i win? maybe i expect too much!
dun wanna win no more. dun want anything anymore!
ill close my eyes comfortably....accept my defeat....wont complain....and ill just continue.....and worse still....i wud still smile! and wud still be the same!

may my soul never rest in peace! thats what i deserve for never learning!
maybe ill be a better human if i ever get a chance to be one again!

will it rain? i dont think so!

learnings

not having an ego has always done me bad.
ive learnt things later than i shud have......or i guess i make myself do it to hurt my ownself...to make myself learn things that are more important than that!

...continued...

he is starting to fill his heart with hatred......hatred for mankind.....
its not the kinda hatred teh world holds for others....its a fake one...so that he keeps himself away from them....and keep them away from himself!
he wants to spend time with his ownself....more than he has been all this while.....
he wud be history soon....but he wanted to do something that goes down in history along!

may his soul succeed

dunno....

i really dunno what to write!
dropped in so that i cud continue the crap ive been writing till now!

but yeah....so wanted to write this afternoon....wanted to write so so so much! held myself back...had to....was in office.....n by teh time i reached home...the feeling sank!

ignorance being the key! hatred being the outcome! faking being the result! and NOTHING being the truth! i will someday....one fine day!

amen

a silent story

yeah...i began penning it down.....just too much to post it here....
i realized....my silence speaks nothing! i used to think it does! they'll never know what my smallest of actions mean....they'll never know how much they say....they'l never realize all the times i let my words (unspoken....maybe in written) speak for a part of what i have within!
they'll never know it....n its only now that i know it!

so is it that they're blind? or acting blind? or so dumb to not get it!!

ill write it and it'l be gone sooner or later......
but my silent story will remain within me! the only one that does!
ill rewrite it...over n over again....in my mind....on my soul.....perhaps the only time i watched it all....smiled....and maybe would let it go......

the insomniac sleeps

anything to spend time with her. finally had one chance of doing it....and ended up doing that! maybe in the minutest of ways...neverthless did.
that little convo on the way utarofied all the gussa i had from the past day.
thot maybe wud losen up after getting a little high in a party....but well...that din seem possible.
a long fixing up of a puncture added to the night....ha ha...maybe i was destined to spend a few more moments with her....half n hour at the party wud have been a little better though.....but the puncture for sure was more memorable!
n then finally.....i speak up.....things i havent for a while....things i shudnt have....things i din know ho wto put forward.....neverthless i did.
i started off with things thinking that i wud let out all....but realized mid way that i wud hate myself if i did....so ended my topics abruptly. but whatever i let out...made me feelbetter at the end of the day.....and the best thing hapened (apart from the obvious one)....i slept....and i slept well! all thru da night. all thru da morning. i slept. (nothing for guessing what my dreams were comprised of).
thankz ... thanx to u
dunno when will i get to spend some time with ya again :(

miracles do happen

so far the biggest day....rather the heaviest for me :)

lost a friend (if that was friendship)...more than that!

was forgiven for my sins....maybe they were just words...neverthless read them clear - "i forgive u"

and yeah....forgiven twice...once when the day just began!!

and so much more.....just cant write it down.....

i miss her.....n i realized no wonder y i loved her so damn much :)

goodbye after 5 years, 3 months and 4 dayz she did came along.....maybe cuz she wanted it...

past is gone...no hang ups...ill be a better human tomorow for sure....tonight....i just wanna cry...just that its really hard to

listening to teh song - "jaane na kahan wo duniya hai

jaane na wo hai bhi ya nahi

jahaan meri zindagi mujhse

itni khafa nahi" .............since morning........humming along....asking myself....answering myself.....but today i have the right to....

thanks :)

n yeah....today adds up to 9 as well :)

miracles do happen!!!!!!!!!

:)

looking forward to be hurt again............
better to find some hapiness and to get hurt than to keep scratching those old wounds :)

or is it beter to keep to oneself.........dunno.....he has been like that for a long time now....he doesnt even know the answer to his questions....let life teach him in the best possible way :)

amen

past comes calling..

has been a little hard to know how to respond or to react when past comes calling...

How he waited for something from her minute after minute and just when she remembers her...his simple responses change into reactions only to kill it all away.
it was hard for him to get over those insults and that ignorance but even harder to get over his angel.
he just wanted to push her away...she is the one to make him do that in the first place.
he never lieks to explain his actions....neither will she ever understand.

"theres no one to take my blame
if they wanted to
theres nothing to keep me sane
and its all the same to u
theres no where to set my aim
so um everywhere
never come near me again
do u really think i need u?"

she never bothered to know how was he hanging along...what he was gng through....just those formalities.....and he wanted her to know he doesnt need them...and made sure that he threw the mesage across by acting wierdly all the times!!

how he wishes she doesnt pretends anymore and faces the facts....how he wants her to see where they stand.....rather where she stands and how is he crawling to walk again!

time to rest in peace

amen :)

..............

jaane na kahan wo duniya hai
jaane na wo hai bhi ya nahi
jahaan meri zindagi mujhse
itni khafa nahi


singing to the tunes of this song.....feels so good......
um still questioning....without a question mark....cuz i know my questions will never be answered! they arent meant to be!

too much to write.....too little time.......every blink of the eye gives me a thousand lines that can be written......so either i shud not blink them at all.....or shut them for once!

amen!

as full as i can be....as blank as i can be!
just wanted to remind me of myself.....so dropped in :)

past....can it ever be killed?

men the digit 9 has an old relation...right from the day i was born ...n will go on till the last moment i live....and it strikes again.....somehow, somewhere.....it alwayz does.

begining of september the 9th month...past comes face to face...not once....but over n over again....ur fears from which u somehow escaped hold u again........!!

thinking about past......ppl get over it...some kill it....some bury it and ppl do god knows how many things......but can it ever be killed? the moments gone for sure but what it brought to u hafat be carried ......carried all thru ur life.....u can coviniently forget it.....but something somewhere will throw it back at u...........!!
maybe all the extra ordinary ppl out there can kill it all......um ordinary.......just damn ordinary....i cant!

real vs fake

how do u tell fake from real...........or real from fake?
u can find the real faking urself......or the fake faking urself...............or when ur real how can u get real in carefully setting aside whats fake and whats real!

especially when u urself dont know what u feel.....how u feel......wether u r REAL within or not...

too much to be captured....too less a time

amen

inside out

they are all the same.......the only thing that changes is the name!

all da times

that ive cried

all this wasted

its all inside

and i feel

all this pain

stuffed it down

its back again!

and i lie

here in bed (in vain)

all alone

i cant mend

but i feel

tomorow ill be ok

(but um not)

cuz um on the outside

um looking in

i can see thru u

see ur true colours

inside ur ugly

ugly like me

i can see thru u

see to the real u!

:)

whiskey.....helps :)

having whiskey after i guess 3-4 dayz.....was on rum for the entire week - monday - wednesday ...the effect was the same neverthless.
back home early today.....siping on whiskey and just thinkng about dayz passed by....they had quite a few flavours.....some i wud never forget......barely a few that i shud.

on one hand thoughts......on the other - that smile n those eyes..... i can see them talking....so what if they arent to me. i can see them telling a story...so what if i assume so much.

that smile made me forget all my worries......wouldnt it be just great if i cud keep seeing it foreva!
those eyes make me think....make me smile......cant it just last foreva??

nothing does.....for except memories.....but if i cud get to spend some moments with them....i would cherish the memories foreva.....

thanx who ever u r........for those little moments which i remember every now n then. dunno will they ever come again!
ignorance is killing me.....n ths time i wud rather die.....
tk cr dum dum :)

bounded

limitations. actual or made up. what matters at the end is that i cant reach her. writing to reach you with the hope that ull read one day to reach out.....
ha ha ..... on second thoughts...... ud just reach out for something u wudnt know. nothing will ever reach you. not even remembrances. not even memories. not even thoughts.

empty

thinking too hard. thinking too long. what i dont know is what to think about.
knowing what to think about would hurt, actually would cuz the obvious aint all that sweet.
"i know it looks like im moving but im standing still
every nerve in my body is so vacant n numb
i cant even remember what i came here to get away from"

"i aint looking for anything in anyones eyes" but ........... those eyes .......... the most beautiful ive ever seen ....... not one of the most beautiful but actually the most beautiful!

she can make me smile.......but will the sepulchre ever smile?
will the sepulchre breathe again??

guess what!!

he wants to this time..........dun wanna think long.......dun wanna think hard............i want to.........i need to. I believe in GOD. GOD plz believe in me this time.

that smile....

fucked up. betrayed by fortunes. lonely. betrayed by self. the past few days were something he wud never forget. inspite of everything, that one smile, how it works for him to fake another one, neverthless he loves that smile.

never say die

i had it in my name....in my blood...in my veins....n to some extent i still do but maybe not for teh things that should matter the most!

was out for a fag and saw this litle kid (son of a dhobi, next to my usual sutta spot) trying to fly a kite...he tried and he tried....but couldnt. i also saw a 20-30 metre long string he had....even if he succeeded in flying the kite...his hapiness wouldnt have last all that long! neverthless he tried.
what hit my mind was when he said - "main uss neeli patang se pechhe ladaoonga!". i looked up to see a high flyin kite upto which only his ambitions could have reached, not his kite!
he tried and he tried.
when i walked upto him and said - "main udaoon?" ..... he simly looked at me as if i was some untouchable (ok he hates me cuz i used to scold him,lol).

things striked me. i had that never say die attitude. those ambitions of mine too flew high. is it that with time hat passes by those ambitions subside. or is it that one turns practical. or could be a zillion other things. but still i asked myself - "where are they?" for sure not lost! maybe supressed somewhere! supresed by all the unwanted stuff i have within. things that i shud get rid of. and i will. i promise myself that i will!
guess this is the first ever promise i've made to myself. immortalizing it by putting it up here!

how ive promised ppl for different things (rarely i do) and made sure i stick to it, cuz my words mean to me more than anything else :)

hope i keep my words this time too

amen :)

dreams VS reality

there are times when reality is like an illusion, maybe a self made one, and its hard to distinguish between dreams and reality........or maybe u just forget what exactly was a dream n what exactly was the reality.......the previous night!

geting high, night after night, u remember more ro less everything, but whats hard to remember is wether u dreamt about it or did it actually hapened!

call records and mesages help u to some extent for sure :)

dunno why i wanna escape the realities for some time and set myself as someone i wudnt wanna be.
maybe just cuz i need to

,./?><

how many special people change?

how many lives are living strange?

where were you while I was getting high....??

an extract....

morning after morning he woke up (he is controlling his insomnia well now!) with the same hollowness and emptiness. nuthing seemed to change. nothing ever will.

the previous night alwayz runs on his mind.....of how normally he tried to behave with THEM only to get a normal behaviour back......but it was only in the morning that he realised that how could he even expect anything outta them!

one choice he cannot make out is......whether he shud keep walking towards the wrong direction....or start walking backwards....away from the right one!

ignorance.....

hw this feeling ahs killed me in the past....
n how it does again........n again....n again!

they are all different humans.....know different things about me...know me diferently......have interacted them on different terms......but they all have one common trait...........they all ignore me :)
i wonder y the fuck do i still smile!

taking a call doesnt take all that effort....neither does calling back when ur not able to take a call......ormiss it due to reasons!
and how about replying back to mesages??

i still hold on to them.......cant believe this is me.....so cannot believe that!

but i guess now its time.......its time to believe the facts......its time to take things into consideration.....its time to keep things to urself......its time to be one of them.....its time.

i know i wont get a call from the ones who "MISSED" it.....still id wait....only to hurt myself again :)


"i hurt myself again
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing thats real"
"what have i become?
my sweetest friend..
everyone i know
goes away
in the end
n u cud have it all
my empire of dirt
i wud let u down
i would make u hurt"

"if i cud start again
a million miles away
i would keep to myself
i wud find a way"

n wud still smile :)

another day in paradise

when u suffer.....but see the one who gives that comfort to u....right by ur side.......are things equalized? or r u the loser to suffer? or are u a winner??
i dunno what u think u r.
i loved the time.
i saw myself talking. those words that were drying up fast.....some for sure were compensated in th etime we were together....for the longest of times that day!

just reminded me of all teh time swe actually were!

once when i waited for her........for long.......and then when i was about to leave .......all alone....i couldnt cuz if i did ...... she wud haev felt bad :(
i cud never let her feel that way

and then....when i asked fr a favour.....was too late fr her to do it.....i had goten it done earlier......but could i tell her that?? no ways....she would have felt bad :( n i would do everthing possible in my mortality to not to let her feel that way!
as it is....i just found a reason to be with her that day.....though for seconds..neverthless....i felt like speaking to her...n seeing her and i did! :) :)


but the memorable day......yeah well.....it was down to my dignity.......n i was about to give it all up and be myself.....but tat litle voice in me asked me not to do so!
i relaxed. and got to spend so much time with her.....even when she wasnt with me......i liked OUR time TOGETHER anyhow :)

but lets face the truths, realities and facts of life.
she still doesnt respond to me, calls or messages.......so i know nothing will ever head anywhere.

dunno wether i wud still find times and reasons to just see her or hear her.....or will i just subside....sink, drown, hide, run, vanish......the worst i dun want to knw!!

time for another drink and a fag :)

but yeah......thanks....who ever u r!

u give me ignorance to some extent......neverthless i like he time.....when we talk....or are together.... (i mean when um with u....) ...

thanks....
i know it will all disapear....in minutes...hours or days.......it shows.....but i wud keep thanking u forever for the memorable times.....especially that one :P

thanks again :)

just another day.....too many dayz in one!

just another day....lonely and lonesome.....yet so full of life....and full of spice...ha ha (ok i wanna sound happy)

begins with smilingly waiting for a call which u knw wud never come. morning....when u wanna keep ur dignity but u cannot bcz of ur incabilities.....n cursing urself for hours......hw ud those incabalities overcome you?? still hate myself for that. neverthless anything for the one u want to be with....though for minutes!

lazy day in office......even knowing that ud be full of work tomorow.

back to studio business. working whole night. working in the office again without having a bath!

who cares?? lol

but yeah what i care about is finding reasons for a little convo. or to see her. finding anything so that i cud see her for a while. talk to her for a bit even if its as short as a "HI" for the 10th time in the day!

those conversations (just 2!) just made me long for more!

right from killing ur dignity to be with her,,,,to asking for favours....all fabricated....with that smile......with a normal behaviour!

and what happens in between.....history trying to turn its pages backwards.....recieveing a mesage from someone u shudn have...n letting your heart out only to realise that she sent it bcz she wants to behave like a friend!!

kill it. i dun wanna thnk about it....cuz if i do......i wont be able to write more!!

lets talk about facts.

my eyes tried looking for her in office. they glimered when they did.
excuses to see her....to talk to her....to take favours.....anything for her....inspite of the fact that the favour she did was taken as a burden....neverthless she did it smilingly (without knowing it wasnt needed anymore!).

respect her a lot for what she did!

n respect "HER" for doing nuthing at all!!


all the thoughts i had in my mind a while back...just disapeared.....y?? because i thought ovr it a lot bfore writing then down :(
my incapability to access the net whenever i want is getting over me......neverthless i can.. :)


i miss her....

n even though i know that i wu dmiss her so much....im gng for it :(

u r special.....

dun just be special like others were in the past!! better still....be ordinary!!



i tried being like OTHERS today.....did help but din really!! hope i remmbr the day!!

amen!

darkness...when eyes are shut!

yeah....u see the darkness when u shut ur eyes....all i see is.....a light....the white blind light!
light that blinds me. flavours that make me go tasteless. feelings that make me go numb.

i wud rise above all soon

amen!

piece of him

his words were drying up. so were his eyes. n so were all the feelings that shudnt! his actions withdrew themselves before commencing. his eyes looked elsewhere before looking into someone else's. its time. its time for him to lie where he fantasizes the most. in his grave. resting like he would never come out. resting like no one knows he is.

but yeah he would have a reason to go down smiling :)
a conversation. a rare one. he couldnt believe himself that he could speak that damn much. for sure he likes talking to her. he likes her company. he likes the way she talks. he likes her eyes. he likes so much about her.

but deep within he knows the truth. its time. time to sink. time to rise above all. time to hide. time to hibernate. time to rest in peace. time to find serenity. time to find solace. time to crawl into the grave. time to fly worries away. time to live by killing himself.

he knows the truth.
he just wants to wait for some more time. he just wants to gather a lil more of those bits n pieces which make him smile :)
he wants to go down smiling. good heavens! he can think positive too!

ignorance...

never has a felling killed me as much as ignorance have!
i guess i can face the facts....n that too smilingly......have i even ever complained (for except when i am made to purposely)?
love me (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha), hate me, dislike me, bitch about me, make fun of me .... do just absolutely anything........dun ignore me! juz one thing i have been telling people......but yeah this ignorance comes to me over n over again.....n kills the already dead....torments the shatered pieces.....ignorance.....my heaven.....my hell!

a mere touch.....holding hands....

i held her hand and it was special.
i have held hands before giving me a magical or a a feelings of ecstasy.....but some how this was different.
earlier in one case it was a magical feeling, in one it was ecstatic .... n yeah one just made me happy ............... but this one......i din feel anything......all i felt was....to hold that hand again n again.....n guess this ws the most special touch ive had in years and will be for quite some time.

back to reality......maybe she doesnt even remember it.......maybe she has forgotten it conviniently.......maybe she gives a fuck about just holding hands.......but i aint complaining. she gave me a moment to remember and cherish for some time and i would :)

cuz in the end
i know my friend
all thats gonna b left
is ME :)

waiting for my happy ending
the kinda ending
that'll never arrive :)

destiny? truth? fate?

so it all has come down to this??

she would have never been able to know where um i? what um i doing? how um i? and whatever!!
i know she doesnt care! she never did! but what if one day she wakes up to find that one assole who has been bothering her is missing...... i needed to tell her!
how i hate myself to do so!

but yeah i had to!!

sorry to myself...

id be history soon :)

n i wont stop thinking about u .... even after that :)

amen!

do i lie here? or do i lie??

so thats a question i m looking for an answer to!

i mean amongst millions other!!

shud i lie here in peace.....or lie and live in peace??

are u in the eyes yet??

u join a big organisation at a position thats the bottom most of the food chain - dude, either u work ur ass off and that too repeatedly, n even more, to bring out results that are far more that can be expected by you, raising the level of expectation everytime, n delivering even more over n over n over again to be in the eyes and to grow faster than others around u.

i know u cant be that damn good to be in the eyes of those who matter. but do u have the guts to be in teh eys for the wrong reasons?? its easier.
do the "prohibited" stuff and when cauht.....back it up with soem good work!

ud be in the eyes.......

got the guts??

need lessons??

lol

again

so there i go again....
laying everything on the line for a stranger......exactly the way i have been doing all this while!
i dunno how much will i be hurt this time.......but isnt that something that destiny has chosen for me??
destiny.....i dun believe it....its making me believe itself!

strange still......how a poem is coming to life!

all i wanna know...if it is....what stage um i in right now?
how much more will it take to get buried in that self made grave of mine.
when will i finally close my eyes and myself to the rest of them??

another time.
another pain.
another loss.

n i still smile!!

how i hate myself :)

back :)

when nothing seems right.....i land up here!
thankfully i have something to bank upon!

words have lost the essence, feelings have never mattered, love has alwayz gone down the drain, care has been taken for granted ......... and i as whoel have alwayz been ignored :)
makes me smile
and i smile my best smile when um in the greatest of pains!


my words have dried up. my soul has escaped.
so wanna write down so much.....but whn i sit in front of the idiot box......it turns out everythings so damn personal to make it public.

but again....i need to speak....talk.....let out stuff......where?? with whom??

i rescue my ownself......by just typind random stuff after getting a little high....on drinks .... or on emotions......i walk this lonely road.....lonely......cuz no one visits it....n thankfully so!

one day ... one fine day ill read all that iv written down here....n remember the old dayz :)

one fine day!

journey

from poetry to writing random and simplified stuff.......
dunno what next!!!!!

surrounded by angels!

what more can a human ask for when he is surounded by angels!
angels he can see....angels he can hear.......angels he can talk to!!

but thats when the worst nightmare come strue.....after promising that wonderful life.....angels just disapear!
even if u have that wonderful life with ya......u dun have the ones who promised u so!

o y not cherish the moments u r with them....when u see them.....hear them.....talk to them....or just feel them!
i just felt one.......a stranger.....but her name tells me that she is one for me!!

the first time we had an interaction....not really but yeah quite so......brought a smile to my face.......she cannot be anything less than an agel for sure........not everyone bring a smile to me!!

thanks .... whoever u r!!

really....thanks!!

hell!

hell is just a phase of life......sweeter than heaven for sure!
makes u value life...n hapiness....n that ordinary life is so much better!

but time stands still.....moments dun seem to cruise.......i wait here in hell......just to learn...just to wait.....wait for an ordinary life that i cud live!

an ordinary mite just seem like heaven!!

luck raised hell
hell raised luck!

what do i do?

u hate lies. u hate pretentions. u hate fakeness. u hate hypocrisy!
well be ready to hate the world!
truth is bitter. i call it sweet. at least it doesnt leave its taste forever!

i wont presume about lies made to me....i wont comment about peole being pretentious....maybe thats only in my thoughts.......but how can i ignore facts??

my heart reaches out for her when i talk to myself........when i can see the transparent her in my eyes.........it aches even more when i place teh facts on the table!

heart vs mind is a great one like......agasi vs sampras ...... federer vs nadal..........tendulkar vs lara..........cena vs triple H...............austin vs teh rock...........but for sure much more comlicated than those......
u at least have a winner in those competitions........here what u have is....a temporary one! with no clar signs of one winning over the other!

talking to myself to make things clear is something i have been doing for a long time....anticipating that a word with her help........but that doesnt happen....doesnt seem to happen.....i lose my words when i talk to her...that is when i get to!

one sweet coversation will clear it all......set it right.......but thats too mu to ask for!!

heart vs mind......i wud let them fight....and start a new life!!

god bless!!

even achiles cried!

being an immortal is the greatest fear i can have!
to live forever.....n to see people u care for and leave for sure isnt a good sight!
even if ur a man of steel......or iron....or diamond.....or even titanium.......ull break down....day after day....year after year......person after person! maybe one day it will stop bothering u ....... but it will repeat itself again!

achiles cried......yes he did....mayeb he is just mythologcal character who influeneces me a lot...enough to make me believe that he was / is a taurian! all the searches have gone down in vain to find more about him!
he was almost immortal.......and he cried too! and he cried when someone so dear left him!

dun superheroes cry? they do! everyone does!
but crying isnt the same to everyone!

someone cries in pain....someone in vain......and there are a few who cry when they are happy!
errr....i sound wierd.....but um being true!
teh tears of hapiness....not just because they make u cry......because u know that they would make u cry soon.......are another great fear i possess!
wierd.....thats what i may seem to be!

um just ordinary!
as ordinary as anyone of u......living amongst these extra ordinary people........searching for my kind!

amen!

a piece of him

He never felt a thing while he walked away the last time. He wasn’t sure whether that’s a good thing or bad. Some thought it’s a good thing, but deep within he knew it can’t be!
He knew longer days await him. But like everyone always says – he has been a fighter, not merely a warrior but a survivor as well. He would see through this with ease, not initially but over a period of time. What they didn’t know was, this time he doesn’t want to! He wants to keep scratching his own wounds, if others don’t do it, so that he still feels the same pain he did, or maybe even more. He wanted them to stay fresh forever and he had find ways to do it. This time he wasn’t vanishing because he wanted to feel the pain of being very much there but being treated as invisible, as someone who doesn’t exist, as someone not cared for. He loves this feeling so much.
He knows he is not one of those charming guys, but there has to be someone, maybe just one in the whole wide world who could love him! Who would love him. He smiles whenever he gets this feeling down his nerves. He smiles whenever in pain.

All of a sudden he had too much time in his hands and he didn’t know how to utilize it. Maybe he could sell some of it to someone without asking for a price. All he felt was wasted, ignored, hated! He wanted to fill himself with some of those feelings but was never able to.

He still feared that one thing he anticipated for the most. That one call. That one call of hers. How much he has been waiting for it. How much he wants her not to call!


Soon enough he started not finding all the comfort he used to with strangers. And with people of the past! He didn’t know what to talk to them. His conversations became shorter and shorter. His words were drying up soon. Good signs for him. He wants them to dry up completely. He wanted to be in the territory he loves the most. Silent. Silent without people asking him why he is, because no one would care to! And even if someone does, the answers wouldn’t flow out of him.

Inspite of all the mix responses he give, the truth remained – he was missing her.
Whenever he did and had a chance to read their last conversation, he did, only to feel more pain! Maybe she wasn’t herself when she said or wrote all that. Maybe she was in a bad bad bad mood. Maybe she had too much already going in her life that she took it all out on the person who was amongst the closest only to feel better, maybe it was a result of all the talks he used to give her, maybe he forced her to say all that, maybe a zillion of other reasons…………..the fact remains………..she never called him back, when she should have. She was the one to repeatedly say that misunderstandings should be cleared as n when they arise, and he always, like an obedient human, did that! But this time he waited for her. And well, maybe it was too late in the day to call and talk about things that have gone by. But he still wishes maybe once she did. For once she did. For once, when it would have mattered the most to him!

hjqwuiqbvwiq

he was filled with anger. the angry yound buy who started controlling his anger once is facing the ripercusions. the anger has to evacuate him in some way or the other. the but the way was wrong! shouting at family members is something he never wanted to do but the supressed anger in him meets the reasons (for which he controlled himself earlier) to errupt out a part of him.
all this led to that hatred for himself to fill him up too!
anger + hatred - bad combo! especially if its for the ones u love, the ones u care for and above all for ur ownself!

he seems to be as calm as the pacific......maybe thats y they say "u cant judge a book by its cover" , "looks can be deceptive" and many other things.

maybe all he needed was to talk things out. would have helped him. but what was more important was talking it out the the right people! the right people never bothered. maybe not that they werent but never made any attempt to themselves. all they had were words.......and how he used to belive theose words and thought he was the luckiest of all to have them!!

he started finding his comfort in strangers. absolute strangers. and talked some of himself to them. yeah it did help him. but what mattered more to him were those hugs to calm him down. that touch to make him beleive that they were for real. those hands to hold his. he couldnt have all that with strngers he found over the internet!

he had died over n over again within. he knows he can do it again. but this time it was a little different for him. the chapter wasnt yet over. he has to find an ending to it. an ending he doesnt wanna write. he doesnt know whether to put this one without it.......or to make a definite ending......bear the consequences....hate himself......and let time heal the rest!
he doesnt know what to do!
he is hating himself already!

all he does it smile!

he gives his best of smiles in the greatest of pains!!
maybe thats y they say - he is alwayz smiling!!

and may he always does!

AMEN

dreams part 2

if dreams guide u to where u wanna be.....ud be nowhere!
a hard fact to digest!
u dun control ur dreams.....i mean not the ones u dream at night!
they scrae u, make u smile, make u laugh, make u cry, make y fret, make u die! make u believe, make u see, make u realise........but the truth is......just after u have spent moments in the real world......u leave those dreams behind and live the reality!!


i so dun wanna believe it....but some dreams are to stay!
they haunt ya night after night......they haunt ya with the hapiness that they bring in every night..........they haunt ya because when u wake up....u wake up in vacuum!
swoooooosh.....everythings gone!
u wanna dream more!
u wanna sleep more!
u just wanna live a life full of dreams.....cuz the real world can never give ya what u had moments back!!

dreams......they can make u happy........thay can kill u!

dreams........all that i have!
dreams......all that i cherish!
dreams......................................................all that u gave me!!

a piece of his life

his love was as true as it was transparent.....and selfless!
it showed that he love her.......he never asked for anything else than to spend some precious moments with her. he never expected her to love him......or even like him.....or anything.
all that mattered to him was her smile. seeing her happy. all that mattered to him was HER!

he din do things to get things in return. he did it cuz he wanted to, cuz he knew it wud bring a smile to her, make her happy! if he had to drive fro hours only to see her smile for seconds.....he would do that and consider himself as the luckiest person on the planet to have seen her beautiful smile!

she tuk it all wrong. he kept all he had within.
of all the times he was hurt. n he will kep it within himself forever. he was good at that. he was happy to see her in his dreams.

what she din know was......he doesnt have much time! n he never told her. neither did he made common friends.....he feared she mite know it all!
sympathy was the last thing he ever wanted.

what wud hurt him forever. she would never know how much he loved her.
not even after he leaves.
but his love would stay....he would still dream of her....wether in heaven or hell.
he loves her. it shows!

one last goodbye!

How I needed you
How I grieve now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone

I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way

Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away

And my being
In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real

I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love

And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
Oh I wish,
I wish you could have stayed

a day of songs

well......songs....everyone manages to find one for the moment!
no matter what mood....circumstance....or where u r.....theres one made just for u!!
today while lazing around in office.........a few songs played......they were there in the list but i never really heard them in a long long time!!
but when they started........the feeling was WOW!
ight from limp bizkits faith to n syncs its gonna me be.....lol....somehow too many were lined up according to the way i was feeling!!

and then finally last kiss by pearl jam

oh where oh where would my baby be
the lord tuk her away from me
shes gone to heaven so i gotto be good
so i can see my baby when i leave this world!!

guess i gotta be good.....wanna see her :)

the cancer of me!

i tried filtering myself downi tried putting myself to the simplest of words.......to the simplest of me....n this is what i think i am!i am like the white blood cells in you........ur protector.......or saviour.......i develop myself as a need......as a necesity..........maybe just because i need a home to live in......maybe cuz um a creeper looking for that wall to climb.......maybe cuz um so damn weak n need a support to hold on......maybe cuz i cannot survive alone n i need you!!ill protect u, save u from everything..........ill be ur savior, ur healer.......all that u need.ill make u want more n more of me...................n ill make u NEED me more n more of me.everytime ur hurt...il be thereeverytime u need me ill be there all heart n soul.n ill multiply.......ill multiply in u .......then its like "rakshak bane bhakshak".......the saviour turning into a destroyer.......white blood cells multiplying itself.........................and becoming cancer!u wudnt want me anymore.......u would just wanna get rid of me!!then u hafta kill me before i kill u!!have been killed.......so many times in the past................over n over again!!no -one ever looked on the other side.......i can be cured too..................n not alwayz killedlooking for someone to cure me.....n not kill the already killed me!is there anyone out there?is there anyone in whom i can live, be cured and stay forever??is there anyone who can take me for what i am.....cure me n live with me....or die with me??are you?

its a hard time figuring out wether the character of ur novel is turning out to be u?

or u r changing into th echaracter u reallly wanna write about!

facts supposrt both the sides of the coin.

an incident today reminded me of the past again.......or was it past living once again!

5 dayz - and u coming face to face with 4 incidents that occured in the past......4 major ones.....!!

at this pace it will overpower me for sure!!

undefined.....

he loved her blindfoldedly and it showed!!
he wasnt the one to make big promises....or to get the stars or teh sun or the moon from the skies for her........he was practical.
neither did he promised big things.......he believed in doing rather than talking about it.
what a pity......he knew that it will all end up with him walkig in the rains........but he never cared.
what made his love special was.......that it was selfless.
if there was anything he ever asked for was her smile......for some precious moments (for him) to be spent together....for her hapiness.....
he was willing to walk the rest of his life in the rain for that.......
and that too hapily!!

Tears don’t fall
Neither do they subside
It hurts to death
Keeping it all inside
No matter where you run
You will never be able to hide
One day you’ll lose it all
Love, hate, respect and pride!
When you’ll look around
With eyes that have dried
Even your shadow will tremble
To be by your side
The greatest of love has never lived
It has always died!!

Expect the worst and be prepared for the best!

Expect the worst and be prepared for the best!

No wonder people call me a pessimist and an introvert too. Maybe I’m right in saying that the prison that captivates me is that of my own. I do not contradict any statement made about me. Its just a matter of perception.

Expecting the worst doesn’t make me a different person, at least not for my ownself, maybe cuz that’s what I have been getting mostly. After all expectations should be a function of practicality to some extent!
But there’s a ray of silver lining in my dark world too.

Be prepared for the best!
Yeah. Sometimes it’s not so easy to digest the best things in life. In my case, HAPINESS!
When I have received a bit of it, I blew it over proportions, magnified it to the max, maybe pixilated it enough for it to blur and vanish eventually!

Yeah I was at fault. I should have prepared myself for the unexpected happiness to come my way. Maybe I’ll learn, soon enough.

ashez of a memory

21/11/2001 - “Saurabh, I need a guy who loves me and love is quite far away from u!”

how these words kept echoing in my head all thru the night!!

22/11/2001 – “love isn’t far away from me, im away from love!”

and um sure these words echoed in hers as well!!

And I was a different man from that day.
Maybe I found someone who loved me, maybe I found someone to love, maybe I was wrong!

3rd of june 2003 – the end of the beginning….or the beginning of an end! Those words started losing their meaning and so did everything.

I guess I was wrong….something that had never happened to me before…..my image of being purfct just shattered in front of my ownself!

She was right. Love went away from me. And has been ever since then!

dream...s

whatta dream i had.....
met total strangers........and um still wondering where have i met them!
i saw tears, felt kisses, hugs.......hands in hands.......and well........i was in between reality.

i dreamt in my dreams......all a reality.......but all just for a while!

woke up and slept again for the dream to continue....and it did!!

woke up again.....and slept for it to continue.....but it din.......but another one.....was no diiferent!

how strangers in ur dreams come n change a day for u......

they din end at a high note for me.......i saw someone cry.......and someone just leaving even when she din want to........but those dreams surely brought a cheer to me.

now only dreams bring that smile.......

thanks to my dreams.....am a happy person today :)

dream...s

whatta dream i had.....
met total strangers........and um still wondering where have i met them!
i saw tears, felt kisses, hugs.......hands in hands.......and well........i was in between reality.

i dreamt in my dreams......all a reality.......but all just for a while!

woke up and slept again for the dream to continue....and it did!!

woke up again.....and slept for it to continue.....but it din.......but another one.....was no diiferent!

how strangers in ur dreams come n change a day for u......

they din end at a high note for me.......i saw someone cry.......and someone just leaving even when she din want to........but those dreams surely brought a cheer to me.

now only dreams bring that smile.......

thanks to my dreams.....am a happy person today :)

the aftermaths

its nothing that i wasnt aware of.
a broken shoulder, a tired soul, money crunch, hating the civilization......and above all hating ur ownself because u know the reasons why u went there wasnt accomplished.....be it the destination.....or be it what u wanted to run away from!

now when i sit on my bike to ride till my office.....my shoulder doesnt supports the idea......it rebels....every now and then it sends me signals ..... begs me to stop.

everytime i get high, my soul asks me to sleep before i start thinking too much again.......or end up speaking myself out.

it will end soon.......all i wanna see.....how soon!

the ride diary

what would u call a ride wherein the landscape changes every few hours.......right from the plains, to the greenry to the mountains, to the green mountains, off roda rides, valleys, changing weather, dry mountains, no roads, lakes, waterfalls to a place where the density of population is 5 per square kilometer!!
biggest reserves of snow in the himalayas, landslides, no life adds a little more!!

standing alone admist nature, a few droplets falling by with the sun shining bright.....glaciers with engraved names and faces.....a mountain view of the valleys and the vallet view of the mountains.....rivers rising along, in the opposite direction.....the sound enuf to dissolve the roaring thunder of a fistful of bullets........woahhhh!!!

the riding diary will start soon!!
way to go.... :)

one WILD RIDE

yeah......witnessinga trailer of a mini landslide this time in the land of gods was enough to make it wild!
what adds more to a ride to heaven was that we din make it to our destination, again!

welcome to a land where there is no life, no help, absolutely nothing, yet so beautiful!

a non ride-able bike, a little help, no spares or tool kits and a landslide right when ur trying to collect bits n pieces to start the trip all over again!
2 lazy fellows, a lost bag that contained a little cash but more importantly pieces of writing that could never be written in this kinda civilization!

our trip was a failure again........but what we have colecetd from it is a victory.....that lies ahead!!

SPITI - a destination seen, yet not conquered!!!!

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now


And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do

I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an You're my wonderwall

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?

Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?


Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye


Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?


'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
Why-why-why-why-

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?

the story begins!!!

He took her death seriously. Way too seriously. Beyond the bounds of his imagination.
Has he gone crazy? Or is about to?

She had the looks of an angel or maybe was one sent to this cruel earth to cure the ugliness that prevailed within manipulative bodies. She had the brains to work out things whenever they went wrong. She somehow had the answers to questions that people ask themselves but never got hers or maybe never tried finding them out.
She knew him inside out. Somehow she knew everything.
She was there whenever he needed her. Every whisper of his was answered. She exactly said what he wanted to hear, did exactly the right things to make him smile and appeared out of nowhere when he needed her and all without even staying in touch for weeks or months.
A smile of hers was enough for him to keep smiling for hours or even days put together and what more, all she tried to do was make him smile, make him happy without asking for a thing.

He now anted to cut off from rest of the world in search for serenity, was seeking for solace or maybe wanted a break, maybe needed one!

Had too much within to let out but to whom? She was always a hidden chapter and a happy one in his book called “LIFE”. Barely a few knew about her existence. Some had an interaction over the net, some she contacted on her own whenever she wanted to find out about him or hi whereabouts because he had this habit of going into isolation or his hiding every now and then. Somehow she always knew when things weren’t going right for him and magically made an appearance out of nowhere. She was omnipresent. She was the angel of mercy for him.

Inspite of all he never made an effort to get any closer to her than to just stay in touch. Only he knows the reason why. Only he knows the reasons for so many other things he did, for except her off course.


Maybe he was right in taking things a little harshly. Maybe he was wrong ……...

angels wings ...... carry me away!

You say you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears

You say you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I’ve been dealt?
You’re so disillusioned this can’t be real
And you can’t stand now the way you feel

I don’t care about what they say
I won’t live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel’s wings won’t you carry me home?

And when you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now, let go of your tears some more


I triumphed in the face of adversity
And I became the man I never thought I’d be
And now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
I guess I’m not as tough as I thought I was

I don’t care about what they say
I wont live or die that way
Gonna wake up, it’s a brand new day
Angel’s wings gonna carry you away
Angel’s wings gonna carry me away
Angel’s wings gonna carry us away

You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure

All the things I’ve said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I’d write
Never meant that much to me.

You don't need to hear it
But I’m dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff

All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read them as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry


When I said that I don't care
It really means my engine's breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground


Picking up my pain
From door to door,
Shedding those tears
In the farthest shore,
Living the storyline
Burning overtime
Won't look into anyone's eyes anymore!!

IN LOVING MEMORY :)

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone

You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true

Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting

But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me


I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still
And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

just another time

dont fight a battle if theres nothing to win!

how i respect those words......so y is it that i cannot follow them?
or is it that i just fight to lose? y?

aint we all fighting our ownselves over something or the other?
but y do we fight? bcz we hope that in the end we get what we are battling for!
then y cant i do it? y is it so hard?
if i dont battle it out....i lose.......
if i do....i dun wanna win!

the chapters of sanity are long over........victories dont fascinate me anymore!
um a mere mortal......just a lil child.......crying out for attention.....yet alwayz trying to hide.
always trying to get those eyes on me......and when they do.....i look for places to hide.......and the hide outs are as visible as the person i am!

IF YOU LIVE ON YOUR OWN TERMS....THERE IS A PRICE YOU HAFTA PAY!
and only those who can.......can live on their own terms!
but whats the price one needs to pay for that?
sanity?
respect?
ego?
or even dignity?

what if u paid it all....n still cant live on ur terms? or is it that you dont want to? or is it that THEY dont let u?

what is it that keeps holding you back?
loved ones?
friends?
or the ones u want to be with.....even when u know u wont be able to!


the sooner u realize that u dun have the answers to certain questions.......
the sooner u realize that u cannot change certain things....
the sooner u can live in peace!

amen!

It was all a dream
A nightmare indeed
I knew it’ll soon be over
Ill soon be free
From he clutches that were
Holding me so tight
The clutches
I cudnt give a fight

But suddenly I knew
I wasn’t sleeping
I wasn’t dreaming
And realized
I wasn’t even breathing!!

I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain

If I wait for stormy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain


Raindrops falling from heaven
Could never take away my misery
But since we're not together
I'll "pray" for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling,
you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Since we're not together
I'll pray for stormy weather
to hide these tears
I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling,
you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Don’t Become A Part Of My Life

Don’t Care So Much For Me,
I May Get Used To It.
Don’t Come So Near To Me,
I May Not Be Able To Detach From It.

Don’t Put So Much Faith In Me,
I May Not Be Able To Handle It.
Don’t Touch Me The Way U Do,
I May Not Be Able To Get Over It.

Don’t Become A Part Of My Life,
Because Without You, I Won’t Be Able To Live It.
Don’t Make Me Fall For You,
I May Not Be Able To Fall Out Of It.

Don’t Come Into My Life,
If You Have To Leave One Day.
Don’t Give Me The Hope,
That It’s Forever U R Going To Stay.

Because Love Is An Emotion,
I Won’t Be Able To Hide.
When Love Isn’t Reciprocated With Love,
It Hurts Deep Down Inside.

Don’t Start Something,
That I Won’t Be Able To End.
Don’t Make Me Believe,
That You Can Be More Than A Friend.

Because At The End Of It All,
I Don’t Want To Hear You Say,
That,” I’M SORRY”,
“But I Never Felt The Same Way”.

Running away

On the solitary road of my life,
I move on.
Not looking behind,
Not knowing where i am,
Not caring where am headed to.
Am running away
From the unfading memories,
From the repeated moments,
From the unleashed feelings,

Am running away
From myself.

..........................

I was walking in the rain
With the sun shining bright on the other side
Somewhere in between
I saw an angel, an angel in disguise

Her aura entangled the human in me
N from the prison that captivates me
I wanted to break free

Together we just spent a while
But her presence around me
Made the sepulcher smile!

I smiled my way through my pains
Forgone were the days spent in vain
For the first time it felt I was sane
Till the time I realized things never change!

Ordinary I am and live an ordinary life
What I started to live was fantasy
Her unsaid words pushed me away
N I realized, my feelings were there to stay!

Angels are just a dream
I learnt the truth n just wanted to scream
A scream that’s unheard, unsaid, unrevealed
I scratched my wounds that just healed

I dreamt to breathe again
It was all a dream
I thought she’d understand
I think so much man!

Now that my silence screams….
It deafens me
Those unsaid words
Can just be seen!

it says too much!

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.

:)

Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear


'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said


So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way.
I smoke thewhole thing to my head
and feel it wash away

'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said


I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I WANT LOVE

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated


I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart


But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love


I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic


So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

Not Dark....YET

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day

It's too hot to sleep time is running away

Feel like my soul has turned into steel

I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal

There's not even room enough to be anywhere

It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain

Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain

She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind

She put down in writing what was in her mind

I just don't see why I should even care

It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well, I've been to all around in my dreams

I've followed the river and I got to the sea

I've been down on the bottom of a world full of lies

I ain't looking for nothing in anyone's eyes

Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear

It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

I was born here and I'll die here against my will

I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still

Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb

I can't even remember what it was I came here to get away from

Don't even hear a murmur of a prayer

It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

SAD SONG

Sing a sad songIn a lonely place

Try to put a word in for me

It's been so long Since I found this place

You better put in two or three

We as people, are just walking 'round

Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground

What we don't see

Well it can't be real

What we don't touch we cannot feel

Where we're living in this town

The sun is coming up and it's going down

But it's all just the same at the end of the day

And we cheat and we lie

Nobody says it's wrong

So we don't ask why

Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day

We're throwing it all away

We're throwing it all away at the end of the day

If you need it Something I can give

I know I'd help you if I can

If your honest and you say that you did

You know that I would give you my hand

Or a sad songIn a lonely place

I'll try to put a word in for you

Need a shoulder? well if that's the case

You know there's nothing I wouldn't do

Where we're living in this town

The sun is coming up and it's going down

But it's all just the same at the end of the day

When we cheat and we lie

Nobody says it's wrong

So we don't ask why

Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day

Don't throw it all away

Throwing it all away

You're throwing it all away at the end of the day

MY WAY

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.]
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times,
Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
AND DID IT MY WAY!!!