The Master of Disguise :)

No mask He wears
No pretension He bears
No lie He speaks
No truth He tweaks

So many faces
But He bears none
The count of His expressions
Are numbered at ONE

He likes it straight
He likes it precise
Yet is
The Master of Disguise

Read on :)

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

SVIDANIYA

Saying goodbye has been the toughest thing for this "tuf taurian" all his life....so hard that I cudnt even say BYE at the end of any conversation. But these 2 dayz .... i had to say that to a few people....guess i am on some mission to make up for all the times i cud not! And even more interestingly .... in different wayz! 4 people and 4 diferent ways of saying it. N moreover, digging out 2 outta them, maybe just to say that! All sweet n nice. No arguments. Just thanking them for being there.

Y is it that even when u have no bitterness in between u hafta say that word....for good? Y is it so?

Or is it that u were made to say that long long ago....but u were scared to lose them.....so withdrew....delayed the inevitable.

They were once the ones who meant the most to u. They still could very well be.

But one word ends it all for me.

I made my choice....rather was asked to make it in the first place. No looking back now for except the good old memories.

Goodbye ppl ... u wont even know that um gone....cuz i was never even there in the first place ...... no one is gonna miss me.....everything i said and felt wud never mean a thing..........but that wont be the case with me.

well....should end it here...have a list to put an end to :)

I wanna be a Rockstar ~~~~

i havent really been drinking in a car while driving it for a long long time. But again these PASTA maniacs wanted to have Beer and Pasta at this new joint and well...somehow they just cant go without me....n i love them for that :) hahaha.

i so aint a beer person....i just love siping on whiskey...but well.....i joined them for the FEAST.....and well love me driving after i am high....cuz then they see
the 15-16 year old me when i used to take them for rides, without knowing them well - as i was the only one at that time having my own car! (but that drive comes only on a special request....i have sobered ever since i was 17...haha)......

it was one of those dayz when they wanted to have a wild drive around the city ... while zipping zapping through the traffic (they trust my driving more than i do!) ... but i din want to ... i wanted to enjoy my beer ....and al of a sudden this song played.....so not me....but i remembered my old time what i used to be....what i aspired...n what i still do (i felt this way that time!) .... the volume went high....so did the speed...n there i was...SINGING to Nickleback..... so not me...yet so so me!




I'm through with standing in line to clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me watchya want)

I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough for ten plus me

(Tell me watchya need)

I'll need a
Credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club at thirty-seven thousand feet

(Been there, done that)

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny as we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair and well,
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs so I can eat my meals for free

(I'll have the quesadilla, haha)

I'm gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to blow my money for me

(So how you gonna do it)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny as we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair
And we'll
Hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a Drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star

I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills from a pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip sync em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rock stars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny as we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
Every playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair
And we'll
Hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star
Hey hey I wanna be a rock star



I will never be a rockstar....but can at least sing it more often while those crazy drives for sure :)

i realised i gotto find that buried self ...... that buried lil guy soon :)

maybe the feeling would fade in just a while....but um glad i felt this way!!

i am having some positive influence i think!!

I WANNA BE A FUCKING ROCKSTAR :p

:)

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and rushed to the mirror cuz i really wanted to see myself that way...and i did. It was ecstatic. I tried to remember when was the last time that I saw myself this way while i was alone. There was a sense of happiness within. I tried hard to remember when did I last felt happy within, while being with myself, just myself. I touched my face, I felt my smile, it was for real. I touched the mirror, I asked it - "How do I look?", anxiously waiting for an answer, I felt something warm in my eyes. And the phone rang. Time of realization - nothing was real, it was all a dream! I opened my somewhat wet eyes to realize its my landline ringing with the 7:40 a.m. alarm! And like everyday I picked the receiver and kept it back but didnt bother shutting off that everyday alarm that has been set by someone (maybe even me) by mistake.

But unlike every other day, i did not go back to sleep but went to the mirror to look at myself. My eyes were still wet (no i wasn't crying). I touched my face and then the mirror and like instantly the guy in the mirror answered me - "Happiness is just a dream dude". I pondered over it for a few seconds and well yeah that made me smile :)

I went back to bed thinking of the night before yesterday, of all the feelings i had while driving back home after seeing someone. All those feelings engulfed me and pushed me back in time again and just like powerpoint slides - all the similar memories from the past stroked - and the guy in the mirror kept laughing at me.

I had kept behind a lot of things, I do look back at them but do not let them look back at me. I had even kept behind how i felt that night and that too in just a days time! But i guess i couldnt keep behind one feeling or desire i had within me. I thought I'd be happy this time, no matter how momentary that happiness turns out to be, I knew I will get it this time - and that too in a way that could be cherished for a long long long time to come. N then i thought of several other similar occasions when i felt the same way but....

i walked up to the Mirror again - looked at the guy straight in the eyes, smiled and told him - Yeah Happiness is just a dream :)