Fixing up

When u try ur best but u dont succeed,
When u get what u want but not what u need,
When u feel so tired but u cant sleep
Stuck in Reverse.....


18th of may begins, like every other 18th of May, unlike every other day though....the only diference being - geting born on this day 25 years back! wishes from expected and unexpected people - some bringing smiles ..... n a few expected wishes not coming along - making that smile go broader!

the facebook profile geting disabled permanently....which had quite a lotta contacts...and strangers too whom i liked to interact with.

waking up in the morning....and the song that kept geting played in the mind was - FIX YOU by COLDPLAY....searched my phone...din have that song there.....din have the time to put on the comp as had to rush to office..... a few more calls on the way....expected and unexpected....and one call from someone whom i cudnt place and she refused to give her identity either....and better still one call from someone i dont know!!
anywayz....reaching office.....listening to fix u...a lil bit work was all i did...headed back home...n by that time i knew celebrations are gonna happen at my place.....organising all made me sweat exactly the way i did during my bro's wedding functions.

all this while....kept waiting for a few expected calls which din come....but someone did come over....she was invited but din expect her to actually turn up! her visit ... guess it means....i hafta drain away all the hatred and ignorance i had stored within....which apparently piled up cuz of the ignorance i got! it was really nice to see her though :) ... but neither she had company there...nor enough time...but her short visit was very well appreciated. then th ebeer bath to set things up!! and the 4th change for me in the day. after seeing her off.....phew the party began th ebig way.....drinking drinking drinking.....and lots of other stuff! from a 4-5 people gathering....it turned out to be like a 30 people gathering. the clock ticked the last second of that day.....and it was the 19th.....n still no call from a few expected people!! ... ha ha .... the song played again...



N the tears come streaming down ur face
When u lose something u cant replcae
When u love someone and it goes to waste
Could it be worse??


hell no i wasnt sad!! ... but the song we wud never forget is when Unni sung - "zaher hai ki pyaar hai tera chumma" ... ha ha .... will make the 25th a memorable one!
everyone left one by one .... some who planned to stay back also left....at least 2 of them were surprised to see a new member at home!... yeah they din know about my brothers wedding.... one of them nearly cried too ....... guess my ignorance is a result of repeated "taking me for granted" by people.....lots n lots....not here!

it was time to sleep and till that time i never realised it was my birthday that just passed by!! without giving any further thought to things.....i slept.....purposely din go to the idiot box to write crap after geting drunk!

woke up to the same song again .....

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


was in the shower for quite some time....the tears din roll by .... waited and waited .... but they just dont!!

got ready...reached office...worked a bit.....planing to leave for the other office....but instead....thought of listening to the song that has been singing itself.....and have been listening to it over and over again now....even while writing this...........one of the rare...really really rare occasions when um writing during the day.....writing without geting high on alcohol....
guess the <25 years and >25 years brings about some diferences in a kid :P .... ha ha

i need to fix up things. a week left for my project at the other office.....need to wrap up some already piled up work of this office...which will take a week more of mine ........ a friend has taken a leave from office in june for our trip......n i think i hafta cancel my cricket tournament for the ride.....cuz i need to figure out a lot ..... as always ..... th eonly diference....um 25 + now...n my elder bro has gotten married....haha...cudnt think of a better reason :D


LIGHTS WILL GUIDE ME HOME
AND IGNITE MY SOUL
AND I WILL TRY
TO FIX ME

depends upon how long i take to write this....

i run and hide
i close my eyes
i sing a prayer
long for a lullaby

yes ive been off this place for a while now....n i dont even know intentionally or unintentionally....

the reason to tie myself up with work n other stuff was intentional....the reason to tie myself up with extra responsibilities was intentional ...... the reason to be off everything ws intentional ........ the only reason i dont know is why!

i mite sound weird...... but the past few weeks have been one of the most exciting weeks of my life......i did nothing diferent........work....friends.....and drinking....all usual stuff....but somehow everything seemed so nice.

yeah ive closed my eyes towards those who closed themselves on me.....from being the most popular guy......to being the most ignored ...... i faced it all with open eyes ..... but now ..... have shut them ...... its like ...... blinking for me now means opening them! i need to.....to see reality...to see the real world .... living real....but living fake.

had my comp not fucked up....i wud have been more sensible...with my words and feelings.....that is cuz i wud have had lesser drinks than what i have had now......

the drunkard is back in delivering crap.....fortunately read by one single soul..... and u know who u r :) ...

everytime i am driving or riding ..... so many thoughts cross my mind .... so many posts i post on an empty canvas that is full of thoughts ..... but somehow i cant type them down .... i cannot vent them out ..... maybe um scared to .... maybe i dont want to .... maybe they arent meant to!

all i made of myself in the past 6 years needs to be rectified.....and well...i guess...things are better......guess this is the best time i have had in the past 6 years when i have actually closed myself.....shut my eyes.....closed my mind from rest of the world ......

who am i ... what am i .... why am i ........i havent even bothered to peep into my bare existence .... or the answers i always looked for. i barely gave myself time to shed those tears ..... tears that will wash away those years (thnx to u that i actually heard the song again...n again...n again) .....

i try to run
i try to hide
i try to close my eyes
i try to control those tears....
and i forget
that they are gonna wash away those years


these eyes are gonna be shut for a little more while ..... n ill open them up again to the real life :)