another day in paradise

when u suffer.....but see the one who gives that comfort to u....right by ur side.......are things equalized? or r u the loser to suffer? or are u a winner??
i dunno what u think u r.
i loved the time.
i saw myself talking. those words that were drying up fast.....some for sure were compensated in th etime we were together....for the longest of times that day!

just reminded me of all teh time swe actually were!

once when i waited for her........for long.......and then when i was about to leave .......all alone....i couldnt cuz if i did ...... she wud haev felt bad :(
i cud never let her feel that way

and then....when i asked fr a favour.....was too late fr her to do it.....i had goten it done earlier......but could i tell her that?? no ways....she would have felt bad :( n i would do everthing possible in my mortality to not to let her feel that way!
as it is....i just found a reason to be with her that day.....though for seconds..neverthless....i felt like speaking to her...n seeing her and i did! :) :)


but the memorable day......yeah well.....it was down to my dignity.......n i was about to give it all up and be myself.....but tat litle voice in me asked me not to do so!
i relaxed. and got to spend so much time with her.....even when she wasnt with me......i liked OUR time TOGETHER anyhow :)

but lets face the truths, realities and facts of life.
she still doesnt respond to me, calls or messages.......so i know nothing will ever head anywhere.

dunno wether i wud still find times and reasons to just see her or hear her.....or will i just subside....sink, drown, hide, run, vanish......the worst i dun want to knw!!

time for another drink and a fag :)

but yeah......thanks....who ever u r!

u give me ignorance to some extent......neverthless i like he time.....when we talk....or are together.... (i mean when um with u....) ...

thanks....
i know it will all disapear....in minutes...hours or days.......it shows.....but i wud keep thanking u forever for the memorable times.....especially that one :P

thanks again :)

just another day.....too many dayz in one!

just another day....lonely and lonesome.....yet so full of life....and full of spice...ha ha (ok i wanna sound happy)

begins with smilingly waiting for a call which u knw wud never come. morning....when u wanna keep ur dignity but u cannot bcz of ur incabilities.....n cursing urself for hours......hw ud those incabalities overcome you?? still hate myself for that. neverthless anything for the one u want to be with....though for minutes!

lazy day in office......even knowing that ud be full of work tomorow.

back to studio business. working whole night. working in the office again without having a bath!

who cares?? lol

but yeah what i care about is finding reasons for a little convo. or to see her. finding anything so that i cud see her for a while. talk to her for a bit even if its as short as a "HI" for the 10th time in the day!

those conversations (just 2!) just made me long for more!

right from killing ur dignity to be with her,,,,to asking for favours....all fabricated....with that smile......with a normal behaviour!

and what happens in between.....history trying to turn its pages backwards.....recieveing a mesage from someone u shudn have...n letting your heart out only to realise that she sent it bcz she wants to behave like a friend!!

kill it. i dun wanna thnk about it....cuz if i do......i wont be able to write more!!

lets talk about facts.

my eyes tried looking for her in office. they glimered when they did.
excuses to see her....to talk to her....to take favours.....anything for her....inspite of the fact that the favour she did was taken as a burden....neverthless she did it smilingly (without knowing it wasnt needed anymore!).

respect her a lot for what she did!

n respect "HER" for doing nuthing at all!!


all the thoughts i had in my mind a while back...just disapeared.....y?? because i thought ovr it a lot bfore writing then down :(
my incapability to access the net whenever i want is getting over me......neverthless i can.. :)


i miss her....

n even though i know that i wu dmiss her so much....im gng for it :(

u r special.....

dun just be special like others were in the past!! better still....be ordinary!!



i tried being like OTHERS today.....did help but din really!! hope i remmbr the day!!

amen!

darkness...when eyes are shut!

yeah....u see the darkness when u shut ur eyes....all i see is.....a light....the white blind light!
light that blinds me. flavours that make me go tasteless. feelings that make me go numb.

i wud rise above all soon

amen!

piece of him

his words were drying up. so were his eyes. n so were all the feelings that shudnt! his actions withdrew themselves before commencing. his eyes looked elsewhere before looking into someone else's. its time. its time for him to lie where he fantasizes the most. in his grave. resting like he would never come out. resting like no one knows he is.

but yeah he would have a reason to go down smiling :)
a conversation. a rare one. he couldnt believe himself that he could speak that damn much. for sure he likes talking to her. he likes her company. he likes the way she talks. he likes her eyes. he likes so much about her.

but deep within he knows the truth. its time. time to sink. time to rise above all. time to hide. time to hibernate. time to rest in peace. time to find serenity. time to find solace. time to crawl into the grave. time to fly worries away. time to live by killing himself.

he knows the truth.
he just wants to wait for some more time. he just wants to gather a lil more of those bits n pieces which make him smile :)
he wants to go down smiling. good heavens! he can think positive too!

ignorance...

never has a felling killed me as much as ignorance have!
i guess i can face the facts....n that too smilingly......have i even ever complained (for except when i am made to purposely)?
love me (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha), hate me, dislike me, bitch about me, make fun of me .... do just absolutely anything........dun ignore me! juz one thing i have been telling people......but yeah this ignorance comes to me over n over again.....n kills the already dead....torments the shatered pieces.....ignorance.....my heaven.....my hell!

a mere touch.....holding hands....

i held her hand and it was special.
i have held hands before giving me a magical or a a feelings of ecstasy.....but some how this was different.
earlier in one case it was a magical feeling, in one it was ecstatic .... n yeah one just made me happy ............... but this one......i din feel anything......all i felt was....to hold that hand again n again.....n guess this ws the most special touch ive had in years and will be for quite some time.

back to reality......maybe she doesnt even remember it.......maybe she has forgotten it conviniently.......maybe she gives a fuck about just holding hands.......but i aint complaining. she gave me a moment to remember and cherish for some time and i would :)

cuz in the end
i know my friend
all thats gonna b left
is ME :)

waiting for my happy ending
the kinda ending
that'll never arrive :)

destiny? truth? fate?

so it all has come down to this??

she would have never been able to know where um i? what um i doing? how um i? and whatever!!
i know she doesnt care! she never did! but what if one day she wakes up to find that one assole who has been bothering her is missing...... i needed to tell her!
how i hate myself to do so!

but yeah i had to!!

sorry to myself...

id be history soon :)

n i wont stop thinking about u .... even after that :)

amen!