inside out

they are all the same.......the only thing that changes is the name!

all da times

that ive cried

all this wasted

its all inside

and i feel

all this pain

stuffed it down

its back again!

and i lie

here in bed (in vain)

all alone

i cant mend

but i feel

tomorow ill be ok

(but um not)

cuz um on the outside

um looking in

i can see thru u

see ur true colours

inside ur ugly

ugly like me

i can see thru u

see to the real u!

:)

whiskey.....helps :)

having whiskey after i guess 3-4 dayz.....was on rum for the entire week - monday - wednesday ...the effect was the same neverthless.
back home early today.....siping on whiskey and just thinkng about dayz passed by....they had quite a few flavours.....some i wud never forget......barely a few that i shud.

on one hand thoughts......on the other - that smile n those eyes..... i can see them talking....so what if they arent to me. i can see them telling a story...so what if i assume so much.

that smile made me forget all my worries......wouldnt it be just great if i cud keep seeing it foreva!
those eyes make me think....make me smile......cant it just last foreva??

nothing does.....for except memories.....but if i cud get to spend some moments with them....i would cherish the memories foreva.....

thanx who ever u r........for those little moments which i remember every now n then. dunno will they ever come again!
ignorance is killing me.....n ths time i wud rather die.....
tk cr dum dum :)

bounded

limitations. actual or made up. what matters at the end is that i cant reach her. writing to reach you with the hope that ull read one day to reach out.....
ha ha ..... on second thoughts...... ud just reach out for something u wudnt know. nothing will ever reach you. not even remembrances. not even memories. not even thoughts.

empty

thinking too hard. thinking too long. what i dont know is what to think about.
knowing what to think about would hurt, actually would cuz the obvious aint all that sweet.
"i know it looks like im moving but im standing still
every nerve in my body is so vacant n numb
i cant even remember what i came here to get away from"

"i aint looking for anything in anyones eyes" but ........... those eyes .......... the most beautiful ive ever seen ....... not one of the most beautiful but actually the most beautiful!

she can make me smile.......but will the sepulchre ever smile?
will the sepulchre breathe again??

guess what!!

he wants to this time..........dun wanna think long.......dun wanna think hard............i want to.........i need to. I believe in GOD. GOD plz believe in me this time.

that smile....

fucked up. betrayed by fortunes. lonely. betrayed by self. the past few days were something he wud never forget. inspite of everything, that one smile, how it works for him to fake another one, neverthless he loves that smile.

never say die

i had it in my name....in my blood...in my veins....n to some extent i still do but maybe not for teh things that should matter the most!

was out for a fag and saw this litle kid (son of a dhobi, next to my usual sutta spot) trying to fly a kite...he tried and he tried....but couldnt. i also saw a 20-30 metre long string he had....even if he succeeded in flying the kite...his hapiness wouldnt have last all that long! neverthless he tried.
what hit my mind was when he said - "main uss neeli patang se pechhe ladaoonga!". i looked up to see a high flyin kite upto which only his ambitions could have reached, not his kite!
he tried and he tried.
when i walked upto him and said - "main udaoon?" ..... he simly looked at me as if i was some untouchable (ok he hates me cuz i used to scold him,lol).

things striked me. i had that never say die attitude. those ambitions of mine too flew high. is it that with time hat passes by those ambitions subside. or is it that one turns practical. or could be a zillion other things. but still i asked myself - "where are they?" for sure not lost! maybe supressed somewhere! supresed by all the unwanted stuff i have within. things that i shud get rid of. and i will. i promise myself that i will!
guess this is the first ever promise i've made to myself. immortalizing it by putting it up here!

how ive promised ppl for different things (rarely i do) and made sure i stick to it, cuz my words mean to me more than anything else :)

hope i keep my words this time too

amen :)

dreams VS reality

there are times when reality is like an illusion, maybe a self made one, and its hard to distinguish between dreams and reality........or maybe u just forget what exactly was a dream n what exactly was the reality.......the previous night!

geting high, night after night, u remember more ro less everything, but whats hard to remember is wether u dreamt about it or did it actually hapened!

call records and mesages help u to some extent for sure :)

dunno why i wanna escape the realities for some time and set myself as someone i wudnt wanna be.
maybe just cuz i need to

,./?><

how many special people change?

how many lives are living strange?

where were you while I was getting high....??

an extract....

morning after morning he woke up (he is controlling his insomnia well now!) with the same hollowness and emptiness. nuthing seemed to change. nothing ever will.

the previous night alwayz runs on his mind.....of how normally he tried to behave with THEM only to get a normal behaviour back......but it was only in the morning that he realised that how could he even expect anything outta them!

one choice he cannot make out is......whether he shud keep walking towards the wrong direction....or start walking backwards....away from the right one!

ignorance.....

hw this feeling ahs killed me in the past....
n how it does again........n again....n again!

they are all different humans.....know different things about me...know me diferently......have interacted them on different terms......but they all have one common trait...........they all ignore me :)
i wonder y the fuck do i still smile!

taking a call doesnt take all that effort....neither does calling back when ur not able to take a call......ormiss it due to reasons!
and how about replying back to mesages??

i still hold on to them.......cant believe this is me.....so cannot believe that!

but i guess now its time.......its time to believe the facts......its time to take things into consideration.....its time to keep things to urself......its time to be one of them.....its time.

i know i wont get a call from the ones who "MISSED" it.....still id wait....only to hurt myself again :)


"i hurt myself again
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing thats real"
"what have i become?
my sweetest friend..
everyone i know
goes away
in the end
n u cud have it all
my empire of dirt
i wud let u down
i would make u hurt"

"if i cud start again
a million miles away
i would keep to myself
i wud find a way"

n wud still smile :)

another day in paradise

when u suffer.....but see the one who gives that comfort to u....right by ur side.......are things equalized? or r u the loser to suffer? or are u a winner??
i dunno what u think u r.
i loved the time.
i saw myself talking. those words that were drying up fast.....some for sure were compensated in th etime we were together....for the longest of times that day!

just reminded me of all teh time swe actually were!

once when i waited for her........for long.......and then when i was about to leave .......all alone....i couldnt cuz if i did ...... she wud haev felt bad :(
i cud never let her feel that way

and then....when i asked fr a favour.....was too late fr her to do it.....i had goten it done earlier......but could i tell her that?? no ways....she would have felt bad :( n i would do everthing possible in my mortality to not to let her feel that way!
as it is....i just found a reason to be with her that day.....though for seconds..neverthless....i felt like speaking to her...n seeing her and i did! :) :)


but the memorable day......yeah well.....it was down to my dignity.......n i was about to give it all up and be myself.....but tat litle voice in me asked me not to do so!
i relaxed. and got to spend so much time with her.....even when she wasnt with me......i liked OUR time TOGETHER anyhow :)

but lets face the truths, realities and facts of life.
she still doesnt respond to me, calls or messages.......so i know nothing will ever head anywhere.

dunno wether i wud still find times and reasons to just see her or hear her.....or will i just subside....sink, drown, hide, run, vanish......the worst i dun want to knw!!

time for another drink and a fag :)

but yeah......thanks....who ever u r!

u give me ignorance to some extent......neverthless i like he time.....when we talk....or are together.... (i mean when um with u....) ...

thanks....
i know it will all disapear....in minutes...hours or days.......it shows.....but i wud keep thanking u forever for the memorable times.....especially that one :P

thanks again :)

just another day.....too many dayz in one!

just another day....lonely and lonesome.....yet so full of life....and full of spice...ha ha (ok i wanna sound happy)

begins with smilingly waiting for a call which u knw wud never come. morning....when u wanna keep ur dignity but u cannot bcz of ur incabilities.....n cursing urself for hours......hw ud those incabalities overcome you?? still hate myself for that. neverthless anything for the one u want to be with....though for minutes!

lazy day in office......even knowing that ud be full of work tomorow.

back to studio business. working whole night. working in the office again without having a bath!

who cares?? lol

but yeah what i care about is finding reasons for a little convo. or to see her. finding anything so that i cud see her for a while. talk to her for a bit even if its as short as a "HI" for the 10th time in the day!

those conversations (just 2!) just made me long for more!

right from killing ur dignity to be with her,,,,to asking for favours....all fabricated....with that smile......with a normal behaviour!

and what happens in between.....history trying to turn its pages backwards.....recieveing a mesage from someone u shudn have...n letting your heart out only to realise that she sent it bcz she wants to behave like a friend!!

kill it. i dun wanna thnk about it....cuz if i do......i wont be able to write more!!

lets talk about facts.

my eyes tried looking for her in office. they glimered when they did.
excuses to see her....to talk to her....to take favours.....anything for her....inspite of the fact that the favour she did was taken as a burden....neverthless she did it smilingly (without knowing it wasnt needed anymore!).

respect her a lot for what she did!

n respect "HER" for doing nuthing at all!!


all the thoughts i had in my mind a while back...just disapeared.....y?? because i thought ovr it a lot bfore writing then down :(
my incapability to access the net whenever i want is getting over me......neverthless i can.. :)


i miss her....

n even though i know that i wu dmiss her so much....im gng for it :(

u r special.....

dun just be special like others were in the past!! better still....be ordinary!!



i tried being like OTHERS today.....did help but din really!! hope i remmbr the day!!

amen!

darkness...when eyes are shut!

yeah....u see the darkness when u shut ur eyes....all i see is.....a light....the white blind light!
light that blinds me. flavours that make me go tasteless. feelings that make me go numb.

i wud rise above all soon

amen!

piece of him

his words were drying up. so were his eyes. n so were all the feelings that shudnt! his actions withdrew themselves before commencing. his eyes looked elsewhere before looking into someone else's. its time. its time for him to lie where he fantasizes the most. in his grave. resting like he would never come out. resting like no one knows he is.

but yeah he would have a reason to go down smiling :)
a conversation. a rare one. he couldnt believe himself that he could speak that damn much. for sure he likes talking to her. he likes her company. he likes the way she talks. he likes her eyes. he likes so much about her.

but deep within he knows the truth. its time. time to sink. time to rise above all. time to hide. time to hibernate. time to rest in peace. time to find serenity. time to find solace. time to crawl into the grave. time to fly worries away. time to live by killing himself.

he knows the truth.
he just wants to wait for some more time. he just wants to gather a lil more of those bits n pieces which make him smile :)
he wants to go down smiling. good heavens! he can think positive too!

ignorance...

never has a felling killed me as much as ignorance have!
i guess i can face the facts....n that too smilingly......have i even ever complained (for except when i am made to purposely)?
love me (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha), hate me, dislike me, bitch about me, make fun of me .... do just absolutely anything........dun ignore me! juz one thing i have been telling people......but yeah this ignorance comes to me over n over again.....n kills the already dead....torments the shatered pieces.....ignorance.....my heaven.....my hell!

a mere touch.....holding hands....

i held her hand and it was special.
i have held hands before giving me a magical or a a feelings of ecstasy.....but some how this was different.
earlier in one case it was a magical feeling, in one it was ecstatic .... n yeah one just made me happy ............... but this one......i din feel anything......all i felt was....to hold that hand again n again.....n guess this ws the most special touch ive had in years and will be for quite some time.

back to reality......maybe she doesnt even remember it.......maybe she has forgotten it conviniently.......maybe she gives a fuck about just holding hands.......but i aint complaining. she gave me a moment to remember and cherish for some time and i would :)

cuz in the end
i know my friend
all thats gonna b left
is ME :)

waiting for my happy ending
the kinda ending
that'll never arrive :)

destiny? truth? fate?

so it all has come down to this??

she would have never been able to know where um i? what um i doing? how um i? and whatever!!
i know she doesnt care! she never did! but what if one day she wakes up to find that one assole who has been bothering her is missing...... i needed to tell her!
how i hate myself to do so!

but yeah i had to!!

sorry to myself...

id be history soon :)

n i wont stop thinking about u .... even after that :)

amen!