2011-2012

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The Rain and the Dance

As he cried, she danced in the shower of his tears.

The Joker

The stage is set. The performers have performed. The audience have been through the adventure, the magic, the thrill. Yet it isnt enough. It can never be without another performance, the performance for which everybody is here.

After a short wait, the curtain is raised again, the performer you've been waiting for walks in. And without speaking a word, makes you smile at the least. And he begins, begins the show, the real show for you. You laugh, you laugh and you laugh.

With a smile on the face

With his actions full of laughing grace

And his intentions clear

He is gonna make you laugh oh dear

His performance is unmatched

He gives you a laugh undetached

He ends the show on a happy note

While he goes back with emotions afloat

The show is over

So is his smile

All he had to do

Was only for a while

Now he is by himself

All alone, and his mask on the shelf

He makes you laugh

When in a crowd

When by himself

In tears he's drowned

He walks in the rain

So that no one sees

That false is his laughter

And untrue his glee's

When the sun rises

Its another day

When he cheats himself with his mask

And keeps his emotions at bay

The show never stops,

Neither will he

He will still make you happy

Till his last breath flees

He will always make you laugh

Laughed upon

Laughed at

And everyone will always wonder

Can he ever be sad?

When he gets old or predictable,

He will be replaced

Even when he dies

No one cares as someone else will take his place!

The Phoenix

O high I'll rise

From all those lies

From all those cries

Just before it's sunrise

O high I'll rise

From the way you despise

From the way you surprise

I sure will rise

Even if I hafta wait for another sunrise

O high I'll rise

And fly in the skies

And all the pain will subside

Before i go dry

Yes I'll rise

From the ashes left behind

Oh yes I'll rise

When it's sunrise

Me, Myself and My Glass

As i sit here,

With my glass.

I wonder of the day that just passed.

There's so much to say,

There's so much to talk,

There's so much to feel,

It's all too dark.

Not a word exchanged, not a feeling escaped.

Not a moment passed by, not a sign of a cry.

As i sit here,

With my glass,

I wonder about the day that just passed.

I look myself in the eye

But i still cant see

I stare at my emotions, which i cant flee

I shrug my being, left behind

I rattle my head, all i have is an empty mind.

And as i sit here with my glass

It calls my name

The only thing that called for me....what a shame!

It screamed out loud to fill it up

I smiled back, cuz another would be a bottoms up :)

DON"T WRITE!

Don't write.
It's too powerful.
It might tell someone how you feel.
How you hurt.
What you don't understand.

Don't write.
It's too powerful.
It will show who you are on the inside to the outside.
It'll blow your cover,your nice reputation.

Don't write.
It's too powerful.
You might hurt someone's feelings.
People may not like your words.
They may attack you, or abandon you.

Don't write.
It's too powerful.
It might give others hope.
Let them know they're not alone.
It might change minds.
Change directions.
Change the world.
So, whatever you do,don't write.

a sensational poem by Jen Lee :)

Happy Birthday

Its the 6th birthday of urs I remember not celebrating with u. In fact i dun really remember any such birthday we celebrated together, cuz while u were here, everyday was a birthday in itself. After all u were the one because of whom i was born. Happy birthday dad.

I know u were never really fond of reading for except your Masaaledaar hindi novels and that my wishes wont really reach u, can only hope.

Some flashes of memory just hit me hard a while back. the earliest i can remember is probably those rides on ur scooter, and yeah u ditching me when i was 4 i guess and went to mumbai with mom n bhai and sent me to have cold drinks and ice creams with grandpa. And when u had some issues with uncle at home and u picked me n bhai n rushed outta the house in anger, me being barefooted. or when u gave like a big birthday bash when i turned 5 or 6. and how happy u were that i learned to ride a bicycle the first time i sat on it! and u taking me to dollops for ice cream when i insisted to go out of the hospital and have ice cream, just when i woke up after my surgery. I know u tuk me without the hospitals permission! or u teaching us how to fly kites. dun really remember u scolding us while we were young, your eyes were enough to scare us! i remember u being so happy when i had a drink for the first time...n ur mixed reactions when i got drunk for the first time! haha...that was funny. Also when i was admiited once, she came and was kissing me and u just entered the room but quietly walked away. this was the same time when u thought i tried commiting suicide...come on..that was just an overdose of my sleeping pills.
and yeah - u coming fro karol bagh to noida in like 15-20 minutes, leaving ur booze and cards when u got to know that ive been hit by a diwali rocket just next to the eye! damn .. u were a rash rider and a rash driver too at times!
and when u were admitted for some surgery u made me swear that i wud go for my soccer match n not stay with u in the hospital. and the best - when u got me a car when i was just 14 and i started driving it the same day - u asked without much surprise that when did i learn driving and i said - "this is the first time i am"! haha - that was the shocker!
and all th etimes u git like borees of crackers for diwali, and similar amount of dry fruits (ok that was ur business, n i almost ruined it by eating all ur dry fruits whenever i went to ur godown) ..n u scolded me cuz it wasnt good for me to have so much....but i revolted back by eating even more!

this is classy - do u remember, when i was guess just 3 or maybe around 4 - u came home with ur moustache shaved off - i din open th egate saying that dad's not home, and when u continued ringing the bell i told mom that some CHAUKIDAAR aaya hai.

n then how can i forget u entertainig people inspite of all ur pains. i remember ur lohri stunt. and ur drunken nights especially after u knew i cud drive better than u inspite of being drunk (thats cuz mom din knw tht ive had lots). and instead of asking me not to take the car outstation when i was just 15 , u got me a fake license by the time i turned 16! i still use that one and had a problem once opening my bank account! well....n u getting Shubu's mama to Agra for his brothers marriage is something that his whole family still talks about! u din even know his family then! Shubu still misses drinking with u. n so does grandpa, n so does me.

and what about Bruno - u remember him na? when those two big dogs barked at u and our little superhero chased them to their home and when their owner shouted at u he bit him n tore his pyjamas. n u beating up neighbours once...and even a policeman on train when he misbehaved u when u were drinking in the train. u were such a badmash, and so short tempered. but everyone misses u anyways, all the people whom u think hated u! they tell me all the time that inspite the fact u were short tempered and were really bitter with words u were the truest of all. and a gem who helped everyone without them asking for it.

and what about the time i scolded u while i caught u red handed smoking inspite of u being diagnosed?

i also remember all the tears i saw dwelling in ur eyes, something i never did. i remember everything, every word u said in those last two months.

theres so much more. so much more. so much more. N i really wish there was much much more.

miss u dad. love u. never said that to u - but i did love u n still do.

btw......today i woke up late, mum asked me to have the prasad - i missed if there was any pooja, i doubt though, cuz no one ever lets emotions out in our family. i went to chachu's place for drinks and had exactly 3 drinks - like u had - those were for u. but now while im writing this, i prepared another one - i know u wud hate me for having drinks after dinner, but its ok, i can have just one, n i know u wudnt mind! gnite for now or else i mite just break again.

SRK - Frisked and detained for 2 hours - Reality? or a way to promote his flick - "My name is Khan"?

Yeah SRK has been in the news again, for one of the most unexpected things! And so was our president and a few other recognised names in the bollywood industry. No wonder an idea sparked in the minds and a movie on how Muslims become a part of religious, racial discrimination in other nations (and in ours as well, as claimed by Mr Kisser - Mr Emran Hashmi!)

Its a shame for sure. For the Nations top most (arguably) bollywood icon of present time.

But then what strikes me is how stars have been promoting their new films. They do more than just premier appearances or media talks. The more creative, the better.

Combining the two - well what comes to my mind is something that will bring down hatred on me from SRK fans.

His new flick - My Name is Khan is about discrimination of a Muslim in US .... something that he just witnessed....well....do i need to say the rest??

Not the first time he visited US, nor the first time he shot there. Moreover - he is a popular and maybe the most popular bollywood star (amongst males i guess) in US!!

All due respect to him, inspite of my little history with the baadshah :)

what say?

dunno....

Lost in a world
That scares me to death
Lost in my thoughts
I’m losing my breath
Lost inside
Without a ray of light
Lost in the darkness
Have lost my sight



Holding myself back
From what I can be
I hurt myself
Cuz I wanna break free
But this prison of thoughts
Built around me
Gives me a feeling
Which I can’t even feel


Crawling to glory
A GLORY lesser known
The silence,
Telling a story
A story still not known


Screaming, no one hears the call !!
Weeping, the tears don’t fall !!
Dreaming, the dream’z so real !!
Feeling, there’s nothing I feel !!




FROZEN, cant move at all
BROKEN, cant answer a call
SHATTERED, cant walk tall
TORMENTED, had my final fall

:)

College Admission

Where the Streets have no Name

They say –‘To go to Heaven, one must pass through Hell’. I believe it was quoted while they were on a trip like ours!

The torturous heat of Delhi coupled with the passion to ride made us find an escapade to a place where the Gods reside – Spiti Valley. Its ancient name ‘Dev Bhumi’, meaning ‘Land of Gods’ is no misnomer. The grandeur of the towering peaks, glaciers and vast valleys is so breathtaking that it was considered the abode of the Gods in ancient India. One can read and talk endlessly about this marvel but the only way one can actually feel it is by being there. I took leave from office for a minimum of 2 weeks and asked others to do so because I’ve always believed in the journey being bigger than the destination and wanted to enjoy every inch covered rather than hustling and rushing towards the destination. Our plan was to enter Spiti Valley via Manali and exit via Kinnaur. Moreover we wanted to enter Manali from the Simla-Theog-Jhalori Pass route instead of the Chandigarh-Ropar-Blilaspur-Mandi route as we had never seen the former earlier. So 5 of us, namely – Manu, Binay, Aman, Amarinder (Ammy) and I met at G. T. Karnal Road at 5 a.m. on the 14th of July and started rolling.


We wanted to cover as much distance as possible before the sun started blazing down on us. We stopped at Jhilmil (Karnal) for breakfast and then at the foothills near Kalka for lunch and headed towards Theog. On our way we decided to make a stop at Chail for the day. After having tea in our hotel we went for a walk and realized Ammy was limping. Wasn’t he supposed to if he would walk in his riding boots which were almost kissing his knees? Somehow he made it back to the hotel. We slept well and left for Manali the next morning. We had to reach Theog and then take a turn towards Jhalori pass. The roads were nice and we eased through the lush green landscapes. It was only at Jhalori Pass that we had to ride on a comparatively tough uphill road and the bikes weren’t going beyond the 2nd gear. It got even worse when we left Jhalori Pass as the downhill seemed even tougher and the roads were in very bad shape. All this while we had a few minor breakdowns in the bike like a broken clutch wire, a punctured tyre and jammed breaks but we managed all that by ourselves. Soon we hit Aut, crossed the amazing tunnel and reached Manali while it had started getting dark. Manali was jampacked and we couldn’t find a place to stay. Better still, it started raining heavily. Drenched, we all headed in different hotels to speed up the process of finding a room, which we eventually did late in the night, an expensive option, but had no choice at that time. We spent the next day in Manali, got our bikes checked, shopped for little stuff while it kept raining heavily throughout the day. Rain in Manali meant that Rohtang was getting covered in snow and so were the roads that lead us there. That was the day when we were bombed with Ammy’s intellectual questions including my personal favourite where he asked Aman, referring to his raincoat – “Is it waterproof dude?”

We left next morning and it felt like our trip had actually begun. The roads were slurry and our bikes started slipping and skidding every now and then. The conditions weren’t friendly for sure but we kept moving steadily till the time we hit a traffic jam just before Rohtang due to the heavy snow under which the whole place was covered. The riding conditions were really tough as the roads were covered with one feet of snow. Surprisingly that was the first time I ever experienced an AMS – Acute Mountain Sickness, which my other friends did too. While crawling through the traffic a personal competition between Aman and Ammy started – who would fall more times and Ammy won 5-3!

At Rohtang the traffic came to a standstill, and we witnessed something the other four had never before – snowfall. It was bliss. It soon changed into misery when the gentle snowfall changed into a rather hailstorm. We were stuck with no shelter. We tried to hide behind cars which didn’t help much as the temperature was freezing. We saw our feet getting covered with snow every now and then. Our feet and hands were frozen and we could barely move them. It was so fierce that we couldn’t even remove our helmets. It was quite an effort to unpack stuff from one bike to take out a Rum bottle which seemed like our best friend then and our only saving grace. Traffic started moving rather crawling again after almost 3 hours, luckily for us, army trucks were on our side and it was made to move first. Riding had gotten even tougher. We couldn’t see the road with visors down and couldn’t remove them due to the storm. Almost 2 feet snow had accumulated on the roads by then. The only way we could ride was by riding behind a heavy vehicle and moving along its tyre impressions. We covered the next 7-8 kms in over an hour and that’s when the road condition got a little better, but it was raining there and the roads, especially the curves were really slippery. Slowly we made it to Gramphoo and had the first meal of the day there.

From Gramphoo the straight road leads to Keylong and eventually Leh, but we had to turn right, cross Lahaul Valley and head towards Spiti. As we turned we waited for the most thrilling part of our ride – the offroads and the ‘Nalas’. Though we had gotten enough for the day already but the thrill of riding in those conditions is unbeatable. The roads ended soon and we were riding on sand, stones, pebbles and of course the slurry conditions continued and we waited for the first Nala on our way, the same Nala where Manu’s bike had broken down on our last ride. We eventually reached there but it was as good as not. The terrain is being constructed due to tourist movement in that area and the water was being drained from beneath the road with barely any above it. For a moment it seemed like that all the adventure and thrill had been stolen from us. The fear of bikes getting stalled in such extreme conditions is always there, but that’s the challenge that’s worth overcoming on one of India’s toughest yet the most beautiful terrains. After riding for a bit in really bad road conditions, appreciating nature’s beauty and its marvels and crossing some small Nalas and slurry patches, we decided to put a halt to our ride for the day at Chatru at a place which is a big constructed hall with a shutter, like our local shops have it here. At night the temperature was freezing there. After dinner and a little conversation with tourists there we hit the sack. At around 3 a.m. Ammy shot another question at me – “Saurabh I need to pee, kaise karoon?” In a flash the others fired back 3 different answers and we couldn’t stop giggling. What actually surprised me was that no one was sleeping and of course there were reasons for that too. Nevertheless I politely answered Ammy’s question – “Go out and pee.”

Next morning we witnessed an inch thick snow on the seats of our bikes. The temperature there was speaking for itself. It took quite some time to start our bikes and we were rolling again. We witnessed the worst possible roads then. I mean we witnessed no roads. It was just water, slurry patches, pebbles, flock of sheep every 5 kms or so and snow. Our average speed on that terrain was around 5 kms per hour. Words can barely define the road condition, and we had to cross all that to reach the valley of dreams. Well, we couldn’t change the road condition but what we could do was look at the breathtaking landscapes around that changed every few hours. Then there were patches where there was snow up to 20 feet on either side. Soon we crossed Batal and the Spiti region started.

The first thing was undoubtedly visiting Chandratal Lake, which is totally off the route for some 16 kms, 16 kms of pure serenity, including another big Nala which I was so anxious to cross. Fate stole it from us as the roads were blocked due to heavy snow and the only way was to trek for a good 7-8 kms which the majority wasn’t willing to. We made our next stop at Kunzum Pass 15,059 feet above sea level, did a Parikrana of the ‘temple’ there and moved on towards Losar. On our way we witnessed a beautiful meadow, which was off the way but we rode over it, parked our bikes and once again were amused by the beauty of everything we saw. All our fatigue vanished, ironically by jumping, shouting and rolling on the grass there! After all we were in Spiti Valley. We could see the landscapes painted by nature itself. In a while we started rolling again and stopped at Losar for security check and a brief lunch. That’s where the welcome board to Spiti Valley was put as the civilization starts from that village. There were proper constructed roads from there and what we witnessed while riding through the valley was something that could only be seen in dreams, in fact even better. Lush green grasslands, meandering streams, towering snow clad peaks, formidable mountains of different colours. The landscapes were such that for a moment I left my belief of the journey being bigger than the destination behind and got lost in the surroundings. The distance of 58 kms from Losar to Kaza could have been easily covered in an hour because of the beautiful roads but it took us over 3 hours as we couldn’t stop ourselves from stopping every few kms. And we can’t blame ourselves either. On our way a kid who was rearing sheep, stopped me and asked for the time and for chocolates if I had any. I did, and I gave him all of them. He spoke to me in English! We reached Kaza by evening and stayed there for the night.

Next morning was devoted completely to spirituality and expedition of the place and we visited Ki Monastery, the biggest monastery of Spiti Valley; Kibber village at 4205 meters, which the internet claims to be the world’s highest motorable village, but it isn’t anymore. We also visited the Kibber Gompa, the place where Aman closed in on the lead by falling again, the scores then read Ammy 5, Aman 4; and then Komic, Asia’s highest village and now the highest motorable village in the world, standing at some 4400metres. After that we started rolling towards Tabo but a bike had a minor breakdown, fortunately, and we stopped. On our right was a bridge that leads one to Pin Valley. I think we were destined to visit it.


The only thing 2 things I knew about Pin Valley were that it’s beautiful and that one can spot Snow Leopards there in winters. After entering, my first impression about the Pin Valley was that it is a hub of landslides. After every few meters of well built roads we used to hit a big patch of damaged roads and gravel. Nevertheless we cruised to Kungri Gompa, found a place to stay at Sagnam and rode uptil Mudh, a place where roads end. We were told that a new road will be constructed from there till Bhava Top, meaning that one could enter Kinnaur from there in just 27 kms! While going towards Mudh I had given a lift to a local and spoke to him about their lives there. It was touching. It was a perfect example of humans' constant victory against the forces of nature. While coming back from Mudh, Manu and I ripped our bikes on the rough terrain, to give Manu a little practice for his Raid ahead! We spent the night at the PWD of Sagnam and left next morning.

Tabo was the place where we first stopped for breakfast and visited the Tabo Monastery. Tabo Monastery was built around 996 AD, in a single night as the myth goes. Mystified, weren’t we? A true example of state of art, architecture and technology! We started rolling again and visited Gyu, where the Indian Army, in 1970’s, secured a Mummy, rather a skeleton of a Lama, dating around 500 years back. What adds to it is that its Hair and Nails still grow! Local monks claim that the man was a monk who mummified himself. He starved himself by eating only tree bark and nuts for years and then meditated for days. These holy activities allowed his corpse to stay untouched by any earthly decay. Science says the fasting caused his internal muscles and organs shrink, destroyed the bacteria in his intestines, with no microbe to eat away the corpse, it was preserved. After witnessing a natural wonder, the Army man showed us a mountain, just 7 kms from there, which belongs to China! I spoke to myself – “There must be a limit to the thrills we were witnessing”. We started rolling towards Nako. The roads to Nako were really nice with some breathtaking views of the mountains and valleys and the visible roads below. Soon we left the Valley of Dreams behind, only to enter yet another district, rich in geographical, geological and cultural treasures – Kinnaur. The heavenly region has taken both the influences from India and Tibet and became the ideal home for colorful Indo-Tibetan culture. We hit Maling Nala, but there wasn’t any water in it. At Nako we had lunch, visited Nako Lake and Monastery and started rolling again.


After a hard day’s ride we reached Sangla by night. Inspite of riding at night, thankfully no wild creature attacked us, as Manu claimed. We were in no hurry in the morning to leave as we wanted to explore all of Kinnaur’s attraction. We visited Chhitkul, Reckong Peo and decided to stay at the most beautiful place of all – Kalpa and were lucky to enjoy our stay in the Circuit House. With Kinner Kailash in the vicinity, I don’t find the need to elaborate on the scenic beauty. We went for chai & pakoras to the local bazaar and were greeted with warmth by the locals. Then we visited a Buddhist Temple nearby where the entire life story of Buddha was painted on the walls and also a Vishnu Temple adjacent to it.

We left early next morning and were greeted by the worst possible road conditions while leaving Kinnaur because of the Karcham – Wangtoo Hydroelectric Project. Somehow we managed to crawl through those kilometers and were halted again for 2 hours because of a blasting ahead. But as soon as one crosses Kinnaur, the roads are a treat. Since there was not much to see around and the weather had started getting hot, we started speeding, took a break for lunch and then stopped again only at Narkanda in the evening. We spent the night in Simla and started for Delhi next morning. As we crossed Dharampur, Ammy had a little accident and took the unbeatable lead of 6-4! We declared him the winner before Aman tried anything else to win. Battling the blazing sun and loo, we made it to Delhi by evening.

Now over a week that we have been back but I still can’t get over the enticing valleys, nestled by the Great Himalayas; places that are home to ancient civilisations untainted by modernity and raw physical beauty unmatched outside those mountains. Another visit for sure is on the cards.

........

Woke up with a heavy head....and eyes din wanna wake up to reality.....woke up with a feeling of loneliness - after a long time i woke up that way! woke up as if I've lost something .... woke up as if its a new begining ..... woke up like it wasnt me!
what a yesterday it was!

The first thing i do, always do ... is to pick my phone up and see the time ..... or to check for any msgs or calls and most importantly msgs i had sent the previous night ..... but i din have the courage to look at it...at least then. for except the bad dream i had...or should i say a few bad dreams i had at night ...... i remembered exactly what else had happened. i wasnt sure whether i had killed a long period of wait or had begun an endless wait for myself. whatever hapened shudnt have hapened for sure....or maybe shud have hapened long long ago .... or sometimes in the future ..... that was perhaps the worst of times ..... i dont know.....i dont know anything now .... kinda lost it!

after 3-4 months of staying away from everything.....n making myself believe that ill be a diferent person soon .... i slipped again.

and now this familiar smell of the mud...familiar sound of the raindrops.....familiar sight of it too!! when will my little miracle leave me?? just when i do not want to believe in them.....this little miracle chases me ..... right from the time when i once lied to hide my tears, way way way back ..... i never realised someone heard me ..... and gifted me....or cursed me with it!

i see so many people online...none i can talk to anymore......a phone full of numbers....none i can call........its back to just me again. guess in my quest of finding answers....i am writing them myself so that in the end when i do not find them...i do not blame anything else but ME!

starting again from that familiar territory scares me ...... cuz now i have a career in hands....a career that i have already put in the ditch...... I need to rise...but I do not see myself rising anytime soon now. I can so easily rectify yesterday, wash it all away ..... but that would be a lie and i cannot live with it for the rest of my life! n maybe whatever i rectify would again be faced soon ... cuz guess thats how things were suposed to end ... an ending that gave way to a not so good begining ... an ending that gave way for a never ending wait!

may angels lead u in

converting youtube file from vixy....cant get any audio :((

a big thank u to all of u ..... all of u who r here, not here, were never there, will always be .... even when im not around :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdFOAMNs4vI


There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Better Man

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

the story begins :)

in quest of my answers....answers i never had.....even while those questions torture my non - existent , drunk, intolerable mind!

i found a way to simplify it all. how about putting every subject in my life as a chapter....with my questions....and to the answers i did find out....and the questions to which i am still looking to be answered! ... pardon me for grammatical mistakes :P
worse...i do not even want to correct it....just wanna go with the flow :P


its too tempting to put down chapter one right now...cuz without me starting it...i wont write the whole book!!.... but no. i want to be clear of what exactly i want! i kinda am now. i will try to be as truthful as possible. pardon me for my memory losses that i have had. pardon me for just telling the story from my side....but ill try and analyze it to my best possible level what might have been going on the other end as well. but i promise...i will be true. people might hate me and make perceptions about me....but do i care? lol. .... one reason y THEY dun like me cuz i never cared (they were so wrong!).

but i think i wud spare my friends from this....by that i mean...the handful i have. i love them....so what if i do not like them at times...i still love them :)

my quest begins.....quest for the answers i never found! maybe someday....some day..... some fucking day .... i find the answers....and turn out to be a better man!

amen

Strange are Strangers ... at least me!

It was only when i felt something warm at the corner of my eye, i pushed the lazy me outta bed at 4:30 a.m.....cuz i needed to talk....and what better place to :)
The only thing I dont know is WHY! or WHAT!

I am still as speechless....as mindless and as thoughtless as i was uptil a few hours ago.

Yesterday started as any other normal day...and ended the same way too...but something in between has been a part of me .... and wil be for some more time to come.

lets recall the day in brief....catching Haathi online and he asking me names of girls he can hit on (that was funny) and telling geting in tuch with his ex-love that very moment....and surprisingly my ex-flame coming online after ages...and a little convo with her online....of course she not bothering a bit to talk....and yeah a compliment that i looked good in my bro's wedding pics (of course i did :P )...what was surprising was she saw it on my bhabhi's profile....even she is added in her list...not me!! haha..was weird...especially after u know u have been separated for 6 years now...and how the hell she knows my bhabhi?? lol ... ok must have been through my brother with whom she has been in tuch via the internet.... but she is one topic i do not discuss with anyone...so lets end here.

spending some time online....trying to write something but somehow...just diverting mind into something else...coming across a blog which rattled me...enough not being able to write or comment anything in there......and of course handling a little work from home :)

a movie....a couple of relatives.....friends coming over in the evening ..... drinks ... dinner. Online chats...funny and weird ones.....especially when u take a couple of people off ur list for no reasons...or yeah minute reasons...lol...that was funny and um sure she still wonders why...hehehehe. But thats just me....at my best...at my worst...at par with myself when um drunk!! Just another day...time to sleep....its a good thing to sleep by 12 when u have an important early morning meeting in office....office which is 50 kms away!

but it was only when i hit the bed...things started hitting me...or should i say...something started hitting me hard. In the recent past I've ben trying to keep myself away from other people miseries...i try to spare them from the unwanted love and care that i shower on them...basically try not to make a fool of myself by being their mommy-daddy all the time.....but guess this time...i felt some pain....someone else's pain within me.... A pain i saw....cud never evaluate the extent though...a pain i felt...but of course me feeling it hardly matters....ana a pain i read today...a pain that has kept me up since the time i hit bed....a pain that reflected in that lil drop of tear that somehow escaped my eyes and pushed me outta bed!

she always seems so calm...so in control of self.....so into ur troubles...even while her personal life was breaking into pieces all this while. of course u cant expect an absolute stranger to open her book of life in fronta u .... but in a way she did .... she did open her blog :)

i do not know u....but i always tried striking a conversation without even knowing how to start talking about U! every post..post after post i knew its gonna happen...but i din know from where to start...what to say...how to be there (especially when i wasnt even needed)...so basically i tried making a fool of myself....but thanks to u that our convo's just stayed limited to me...or around some stupid ideas of promoting ur brand.

i have always been there for ppl to make them smile....cheer them up while i was burying down lots within...somehow seeing ppl around u happy gives u a hapiness beyond ur imagination...and thats where my hapiness lies in..has been for a long time now..in fact been the only hapiness ive known for all this while....but today i realised the kinda mortal i am....

it is rather weird to feel this way....the worst not being able to tell that i actually care (no matter how weird that sounds) .... but in a way i just did!! (wasnt intentional...i just realised i did!)

i so wanted to talk...actually talk wthout knowing what to..just wanted to talk.


and i still do not know what to say...what to write!!

hats off to the person u r....to the stregth u possess ..... to the beautiful soul u r .....
all wud be ok soon ..... n like once a wise person told me rather commented on my post ----- its only after the darkest night that lies the brightest morn!

so much more to say.....just do not know what to!

take care..... :)

Fixing up

When u try ur best but u dont succeed,
When u get what u want but not what u need,
When u feel so tired but u cant sleep
Stuck in Reverse.....


18th of may begins, like every other 18th of May, unlike every other day though....the only diference being - geting born on this day 25 years back! wishes from expected and unexpected people - some bringing smiles ..... n a few expected wishes not coming along - making that smile go broader!

the facebook profile geting disabled permanently....which had quite a lotta contacts...and strangers too whom i liked to interact with.

waking up in the morning....and the song that kept geting played in the mind was - FIX YOU by COLDPLAY....searched my phone...din have that song there.....din have the time to put on the comp as had to rush to office..... a few more calls on the way....expected and unexpected....and one call from someone whom i cudnt place and she refused to give her identity either....and better still one call from someone i dont know!!
anywayz....reaching office.....listening to fix u...a lil bit work was all i did...headed back home...n by that time i knew celebrations are gonna happen at my place.....organising all made me sweat exactly the way i did during my bro's wedding functions.

all this while....kept waiting for a few expected calls which din come....but someone did come over....she was invited but din expect her to actually turn up! her visit ... guess it means....i hafta drain away all the hatred and ignorance i had stored within....which apparently piled up cuz of the ignorance i got! it was really nice to see her though :) ... but neither she had company there...nor enough time...but her short visit was very well appreciated. then th ebeer bath to set things up!! and the 4th change for me in the day. after seeing her off.....phew the party began th ebig way.....drinking drinking drinking.....and lots of other stuff! from a 4-5 people gathering....it turned out to be like a 30 people gathering. the clock ticked the last second of that day.....and it was the 19th.....n still no call from a few expected people!! ... ha ha .... the song played again...



N the tears come streaming down ur face
When u lose something u cant replcae
When u love someone and it goes to waste
Could it be worse??


hell no i wasnt sad!! ... but the song we wud never forget is when Unni sung - "zaher hai ki pyaar hai tera chumma" ... ha ha .... will make the 25th a memorable one!
everyone left one by one .... some who planned to stay back also left....at least 2 of them were surprised to see a new member at home!... yeah they din know about my brothers wedding.... one of them nearly cried too ....... guess my ignorance is a result of repeated "taking me for granted" by people.....lots n lots....not here!

it was time to sleep and till that time i never realised it was my birthday that just passed by!! without giving any further thought to things.....i slept.....purposely din go to the idiot box to write crap after geting drunk!

woke up to the same song again .....

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


was in the shower for quite some time....the tears din roll by .... waited and waited .... but they just dont!!

got ready...reached office...worked a bit.....planing to leave for the other office....but instead....thought of listening to the song that has been singing itself.....and have been listening to it over and over again now....even while writing this...........one of the rare...really really rare occasions when um writing during the day.....writing without geting high on alcohol....
guess the <25 years and >25 years brings about some diferences in a kid :P .... ha ha

i need to fix up things. a week left for my project at the other office.....need to wrap up some already piled up work of this office...which will take a week more of mine ........ a friend has taken a leave from office in june for our trip......n i think i hafta cancel my cricket tournament for the ride.....cuz i need to figure out a lot ..... as always ..... th eonly diference....um 25 + now...n my elder bro has gotten married....haha...cudnt think of a better reason :D


LIGHTS WILL GUIDE ME HOME
AND IGNITE MY SOUL
AND I WILL TRY
TO FIX ME

depends upon how long i take to write this....

i run and hide
i close my eyes
i sing a prayer
long for a lullaby

yes ive been off this place for a while now....n i dont even know intentionally or unintentionally....

the reason to tie myself up with work n other stuff was intentional....the reason to tie myself up with extra responsibilities was intentional ...... the reason to be off everything ws intentional ........ the only reason i dont know is why!

i mite sound weird...... but the past few weeks have been one of the most exciting weeks of my life......i did nothing diferent........work....friends.....and drinking....all usual stuff....but somehow everything seemed so nice.

yeah ive closed my eyes towards those who closed themselves on me.....from being the most popular guy......to being the most ignored ...... i faced it all with open eyes ..... but now ..... have shut them ...... its like ...... blinking for me now means opening them! i need to.....to see reality...to see the real world .... living real....but living fake.

had my comp not fucked up....i wud have been more sensible...with my words and feelings.....that is cuz i wud have had lesser drinks than what i have had now......

the drunkard is back in delivering crap.....fortunately read by one single soul..... and u know who u r :) ...

everytime i am driving or riding ..... so many thoughts cross my mind .... so many posts i post on an empty canvas that is full of thoughts ..... but somehow i cant type them down .... i cannot vent them out ..... maybe um scared to .... maybe i dont want to .... maybe they arent meant to!

all i made of myself in the past 6 years needs to be rectified.....and well...i guess...things are better......guess this is the best time i have had in the past 6 years when i have actually closed myself.....shut my eyes.....closed my mind from rest of the world ......

who am i ... what am i .... why am i ........i havent even bothered to peep into my bare existence .... or the answers i always looked for. i barely gave myself time to shed those tears ..... tears that will wash away those years (thnx to u that i actually heard the song again...n again...n again) .....

i try to run
i try to hide
i try to close my eyes
i try to control those tears....
and i forget
that they are gonna wash away those years


these eyes are gonna be shut for a little more while ..... n ill open them up again to the real life :)

The Master of Disguise :)

No mask He wears
No pretension He bears
No lie He speaks
No truth He tweaks

So many faces
But He bears none
The count of His expressions
Are numbered at ONE

He likes it straight
He likes it precise
Yet is
The Master of Disguise